Wednesday, January 27, 2010
But then... Real life happened. And I ended up in Houston, Texas. Alone. And lost. Not geographically lost (although sometimes I am that too around here - it's a BIG city) but lost as in I have no idea what to do with my life.
I've been viewing this as a negative thing. I've seen it as my failure. I thought I had lost everything. And I had.
Buuuuut... This is a good thing. Because I am free to do anything.
I can start today and make my life whatever I want it to be.
What if I want to move? Or go to school? Or discover a new city? Or start a new job?
I can. It's a beautiful thing.
The truth is that I'm really not sure what it is that I want to do. But my options are almost unlimited.
I love that.
I'll let you know what I decide to do... the world is my playground, and I intend to have a wonderful time!
Monday, January 25, 2010
It was NOT me who opened my refrigerator today and discovered that I haven't been shopping in weeks. This is what I found...
Eggs? Nope. Milk? Nonexistent. Veggies? Yea right.
However, this is what I DON'T have in my fridge -
1 giant bottle of Patron Silver A girl's gotta have her margaritas
A fridge pack of Dr Pepper Not even diet - shame on me
A birthday cake with REAL icing I ate a HUGE piece with a icing rose
A white chocolate raspberry brulee cheesecake WOW
Chocolate, in about 15 different forms I work for a specialty foods company - what do you expect
Wine x 4 bottles Mmmmhhhhhmmmm... new found love for wine is obvious
Beer Still a little country in all this sophistication
Toffee Totally my weakness - Even in the picture, it's screaming "EAT ME"
Peanut Butter Pie From Friday's - So can't help it.
Wow. I am not ASHAMED of my hormonal, binge drinking college student fridge. I think some serious grocery shopping needs to happen.
I also did NOT turn my birthday into an entire weekend celebration. I did not completely freak out about turning 26. And I certainly did NOT stay in bed until noon on my birthday sleeping off the wild night before.
Oh - and GUESS what?!?! I am NOT going to New York City to see Michael Bublé in March!
Ok, YES I AM. And I am SO excited!!!!
Getting old isn't so bad :) Life is beautiful!
Friday, January 22, 2010
I despise cockroaches. Hate. Loath. Detest.
Where do these things come from?!?
There have been 2 of these damn things in my house in the last 2 days. Including one in my shower.
They don't have this crap in Colorado. Just Sayin'...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The original plan was to take my motorcycle out for a couple of hours and enjoy the fresh air.
Unfortunately the weather had difference plans. Damn rain. Riding in rain sucks.
So, I went to Plan B. I slept. For 3 hours. Amazing.
I know I'm getting old when I spend the only afternoon I've had off in months napping.
I'm so cool. And totally okay with that!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
KK has been in his room SCREAMING for the last hour and a half. I have tried EVERYTHING, and am at my wits end. He doesn't want to go to sleep, and doesn't want to be in his room. I just don't get it. He has been an angel about going to bed for the last 3 years, and then all of the sudden every freaking night is a WAR. I can't freaking take it. He's exhausted, I'm exhausted, JC is exhausted, and the next morning is not pretty.
I have done everything. I'm made deals, bribed, been firm, laid with him, talked to him. NOTHING works. What is going on? I don't get it. After he screamed for 2 hours the other night, I agreed to let him leave his door open if he promised to go directly to sleep. 45 minutes later I found him in his brother's room watching a movie. So WHAT am I supposed to do? Seriously, I'm open to suggestions.
Ok - next - my job is pissing me off-fa-fa. (Yay Jeff Dunham. If you don't that - google it.)
Anyways, seriously. I am the Accounting and HR Manager for a Gourmet Foods Distribution company. That sounds super exciting and important, right? Nope. The title is pretty, but that's about all that it has going for it. I am way overworked and waaaay underpaid. I work at least 45-50 hours a week, and have totally turned the Accounting and HR department around, but see no reward for it. It's so frustrating. There is lots of screaming and yelling and nitpicking and bitching, but very little positive reinforcement, and no monetary incentive. Ugh. I'm trying to get up the balls to ask for a raise, but I suck at that.
And I hate sleeping alone. Humans are not meant to sleep alone. Lonely is no bueno.
Oh, and people are crazy. Just sayin'...
Ok - time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it...
I have 2 little boys who adore me. They are all I have the majority of the time. KK depends on me. I love that.
I have a job. That's more than over 10% of Americans can say. I make well over miniumum wage, and am able to provide for my boys. Plus, it's gonna look awesome on my resume when I go to get another job.
Sleeping alone still sucks though.
Friday, January 15, 2010
My cravings really screw me sometimes.
But mmmmmhmmmmm, I can safely say I make the best apple pie ever. Trust me. It's ah-maz-ing. And I've never used a recipe, I just kinda developed over the years of being the designated pie maker for Thanksgiving and Christmas. How I got this responsibility, I'm not sure. But I solidified it for eternity with my awesome apple pie.
So here is my best attempt at my Apple Pie Recipe. Keep in mind I usually add things until it tastes perfect to me, so measurements may need + or -. (Good luck with the - part, that could be hard once you've added it lol).
The secret to my pie is the crust. Don't cheat. Don't use Pillsbury. It will take 5 minutes to make the crusts, and it is SO worth it. Trust me. So do it... do it now...
1 1/8 cup flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. sugar
1 stick butter - cold - VERY cold - like put it in the freezer for an hour before you use it
3 tbsp. ice cold water (or possibly a little more)
In a KitchenAid (my fave, super easy), or in a large bowl, or in a Cuisinart, combine the flour, salt, and sugar. Cut up the stick of butter and add it to the mixture. Mix it up until crumbly. Add cold water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until it starts to form a crumbly ball. Then STOP mixing.
Use your hands and mash it into a ball. There will still be chunks of butter. This is good. We WANT those. After you make it into a ball (the nicer a ball you make it, the easier it will be to roll it out smoothly later) put it in a bag and stick it in the fridge.
Then repeat this entire process and make another ball of dough. And put it in the fridge.
I usually do this the night before I'm going to make the pie.
Perfect Apple Pie
You will need -
6 Granny Smith apples - peeled, cored, and sliced
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/4 cup tapioca
4 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp allspice
3/4 cup water
2 tbsp. butter (use the REAL stuff - not margarine)
Mix everything but the apples and butter together in a large bowl and let it sit for about 15 minutes. (This is the time I use to peel and cut the apples.) Add the apples to the sugar mixture and stir well. The apples will be coated with yummyness!
Roll out bottom crust and put in 9 inch pie plate. (There will be chunks of butter in the crust when you roll it out - this is a GOOD thing - try not to melt them) Pour apple mixture into the pie crust and top with butter slices. Roll out the top crust and enclose the apples in the pie.
Cut slices in the crust and sprinkle with sugar. (You can also brush egg whites across the top to make it super shiny and pretty, but that's only if you're trying to impress a mother-in-law or one up a co-worker or something)
Take it out, let it cool a little bit, and enjoy it. Some people are into the a la mode thing. I'm so not. Ice cream totally ruins the amazingness of pie. In my opinion. But do what you want. Just don't flake out (pun intended) on the crust.
Hmm.. this recipe thing is easy. Maybe I'll do it more often :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
WTF God?!? Seriously. That's exactly where I'm at right now. I'm out of patience, out of ideas, and frankly, out of "give a shit".
I'm stressed. Tired. Frustrated. On a permanent PMS trip. Annoyed. Irritated. And done.
I've HAD it with my kids. With the disrespect. With the backtalk. With the defiance. With doing it ALONE. You know, last time I checked, I didn't create these 2 boys by myself. Yet, amazingly, I'm raising them completely on my own. So that brings me to the question -
Where the FUCK are their fathers, and WHY aren't they helping?!?!
Oh that's right... because they are losers, deadbeats, and worthless excuses for human beings who have never taken reponsibility for anything a day in their lives. Pathetic.
I am sick of being the only responsible one. Of doing everything all the time. Of never getting to do what I want because I'm the only one here to do what my boys need. I'm tired of all responsibility and no freedom.
I am tired of working 50 hours a week with a boss who drives me INSANE just to make ends meet. Of constantly sacrificing and going without so that they can have what they want. Oh, and the next time I spend 3 hours at Chuck E Cheese and then immediately afterwards get told by my 5 year old "You never do anything for us" I SWEAR I am going to slap someone.
I am so completely tired of nothing I do ever being good enough. Especially for my family. I am 25 years old. At what point do they stop judging and start accepting?
Oh yea, probably never. Hasn't happened yet. Graduating as valedictorian didn't do it. Getting my college degree while raising 2 boys and bartending at night didn't do it. Moving 1000 miles from home to get away from an abusive relationship and becoming competely self sufficient didn't do it.
So, just out of curiousity, what the FUCK will?!?
All I'm looking for here is a little direction. A little help. A little encouragement. And a little bit of a break.
They say that God will meet you where you are. Well, HERE I AM. And guess what? God isn't showing up. At least not in any tangible way that gives me any clue where he is or what I'm supposed to do.
I know that there is a God. I also know that he is big enough to handle my anger. And trust me, I'm angry. Seriously pissed off. So I hope he's ready to take it.
I'm tired of being alone. Tired of being single. Tired of raising kids by myself. Tired of being exhausted all the time. Tired of putting my dreams on hold. Tired of waiting.
It's not fair. And I'm mad.
I know I'm being selfish. I know I'm being immature. And I know I'm being ridiculous. But I just needed to get it out.
So now I'm going to go directly to time out and pull myself together. And tomorrow will be another day. Hopefully a better one. And one without any temper tantrums - at least on my part.
Monday, January 11, 2010
For starters, this is what I am currently having for dinner...
Yep, that is exactly what it looks like. Blueberries and cream and a glass of sparkling wine. Actually, it's my second glass of wine this evening.
I'm thinking I might need to start counting calories in wine by the bottle. It might be more efficient for me lol. Although, my 1000 calorie a day diet is gonna take a hit. I have given up my first love though - so you have to cut me a little slack :)
It's just been one of those days. I worked 12 hours. I dealt with a pain in the ass daycare. I got some icky medical info. I tried really hard to follow my diet, and only sorta succeeded. It's just been super hectic, and my head is still spinning...
I have no idea where I'm headed, what I'm doing, what my plans are. I do know I'm alone in Houston, Texas. I know I have lots of options, but no direction. That's a seriously difficult place to be. Because the life choices that I have to make require me to be all in. Whatever I decide to do, I have to be 100% invested. This isn't a try before you buy kinda deal.
Some of the things I'm kickin' around at the moment...
*Getting an MBA from University of Texas
*Just up and randomly moving back home to Colorado, Heck, I moved here on a whim.
*Getting married. (Yes, I'm currently single)
*Law school. Yea, seriously.
*Moving somewhere tropical and bartending in a cabana on the beach.
Ok, the last one is less serious than the other 4. But no lies, I'm considering them all. Like I said, plenty of ideas. No direction. Ugh. I have some opinions on this issue, but that's a blog I'm still working on. Look for it shortly.
In the meantime, I'll even take minipurpose. Minor direction. Something inspiring.
For the moment though, I do have to show off my boys' and my latest mini adventure...
Yes, we are building a model car and a model airplane. Yes, that is an exacto knife. No, I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing. But it seems to be working, and the boys love it. Tomorrow we're going to figure out how to put wheels on the plane (trust me, I'm open to suggestions here) and we're going to paint. I'm sure there will be pictures.
Well, I'm off to finish my wine, hop in the shower, and enjoy a little CSI before I crash. This was probably the most A.D.D. blog I have written thus far. But I'll expand on all of it later... promise.
I guess the good news is that while the 1st call cost me $50, the 2nd call was free. I'm pretty sure I either got the "this dumb blonde is going to be a great customer" discount or the "I feel bad charging a total retard for stupidity she obviously can't help" discount. Not sure which.
Oh, and it also wasn't me who even after that fiasco still hasn't made a spare. Awesome.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
...fixed a flat tire well enough to get it to the tire shop and have it repaired.
...figured out how to get the license plates on my truck, and did it alone.
...got 2 kids packed, through security, and on an airplane for 2 1/2 hours by myself.
...I cleaned, vacuumed, and washed my truck AND checked the fluid levels.
...I figured out what was wrong with my washing machine and fixed it all by myself.
...somehow figured out to fit Christmas into my budget.
...made some life changing decisions that have nothing to do with a man.
...hooked up my computer, internet, and printer.
...locked my keys in the truck, twice, and took care of it alone.
...changed every burnt out light bulb in the house.
...took out the trash and brought the trashcans back in the house in a timely manner (for those of you who know me, this might just be my biggest accomplishment to date lol).
So basically, I don't need a man. As a matter of fact, I don't need anyone. Just sayin'...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I am thankful for...
...the Texas Longhorns. I was a fan since waaay before I moved to Houston, but it's fun to be in a town where pretty much everybody adores them. I'll be SUPER thankful if they win tonight, too!
...my ability to fix things all by myself. My washing machine decided to completely stop working today, and I was so unhappy. I don't know a dang thing about washing machine repair, and I certainly don't have the money to pay someone to come fix it, so I was less than thrilled. But once I got over my little pity party (ok, to be honest, after I actually kicked the washing machine several times and then got over my pity party) I decided to see what I could do about fixing it. So I googled "washing machine troubleshooting" and got some ideas about what might be wrong. I then found a screw driver, figured out how to turn the water and electricity to the washer off, and set to it. Within 10 minutes, I had it in pieces and discovered what the problem was. 10 minutes after that, I was able to ghetto rig it enough that I can wash clothes, and ordered the part online to replace the broken one. Yay for me. It's a super good feeling. I am more competent than I give myself credit for.
... a brain. I really like being intelligent. I like solving problems. I like challenges. The last few days I've been working on taxes and payroll and all sorts of really interesting things at work. I like working hard and finding new solutions. It gives me a sense of self worth, and like I'm really doing something. It also makes those 11 hour workdays go much faster and smoother.
...the ability of people to grow and change and become who they want to be. Life is not stagnant. It is always moving and flowing and changing. And the people in it are constantly reinventing themselves. Who a person was is not who they have to be. Everyone has an option, and a choice, and an opportunity. Even me.
... living in the land of the free. I think so often I take that privilege forgranted. I sometimes forget the price that was paid to make that possible. I am sooooo grateful for all the servicemen and women who make it possible for me to raise my babies in this great country.
Soldier comments and graphics
Life is beautiful. Even when it's hard.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Why do people make resolutions at the first of the year? What makes them think that the turning of the calender will somehow give them the motivation to do things differently?
I've never really been a New Years Resolutions kinda girl. I'm more of the all or nothing at whatever point I decide to do it type. My blessing and curse is that I do NOTHING in moderation. If I'm in, I'm all in. If I'm not, there is nothing you can say or do to convince me otherwise.
Obviously this has ended badly for me on multiple occasions. But at least it makes me feel like I live intentionally. Everything I do has passion and purpose and drive. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I crash and burn. But it's always an experience.
HOWEVER, if there is one thing that I've learned over the past year, it's that most of the things I do haven't worked. So maybe it is time for something new.
So on that note - I'm going to try to create, and complete, a list of New Years resolutions. And posting them here will make me accountable. So feel free to bug me about whether or not I'm sticking to it...
So I'll keep you updated, and let you know how it all works out. But there is one thing that I know for sure... Life and people rarely give second chances. So your best bet is to not screw up the first one.