Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's a Shit Day...

I woke up in a TERRIBLE fucking mood this morning.

Don't get me wrong. I will never be a morning person. Ever. People that jump out of bed like Mary fucking Poppins with a smile on their face need to be throat punched, in my opinion. I'm like "Calm the fuck down until I've had coffee and adderall and the clock says at LEAST 9 am. Or maybe 10, just to be safe". But most of the time I can at least maintain some semblance of control over myself, even when it's earlier than I'd like to be awake.

But today I woke up actually pissed off. For absolutely no reason. Just woke up in a shit mood.

And it's gotten progressively worse.

My 5:30 workout with my trainer usually helps alleviate stress and gets the day off to a good start. Today? Nope. Even she called me out on being a total bitch. Deserved. Totally deserved.

Coffee isn't fixing my problem. Adderall isn't fixing my problem. Damn it, I even tried EATING something, thinking maybe my blood sugar was fucked up or my antibiotics were fucking with me.

Nothing is working. I'm still stabby as fuck. Like, people are going out of their way to avoid me. And I don't even remotely blame them.

I can't pinpoint my bitch mode on any one thing. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and overwhelmed. There's a lot happening in life right now, not the least of which is as follows:

I miss the hell out of my boys. One is with his dad, the other is at camp. I just want them home and with me.

I miss my marriage. Not the current, fucked up, destroy me relationship I have now, but the incredible man I married 3 years ago. He was my biggest supporter and my favorite person. I miss that, desperately.

I'm over judgemental people. If that's you... fuck off.

I'm being forced to start figuring out some serious life changes, even though I'm not ready to be making these decisions.

I'm just BLAH. And I need to snap the fuck out of it.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Friday, June 17, 2016

I Hate You, I Love You

In case you're wondering where my life is at the moment. This pretty much sums it up. 

I tried, again. I thought maybe, just maaaaybe, he meant it when he said he realized he lost the best thing in his life. That maybe he was sincere when he said he'd fight for me, and step up, and be a man, and do whatever it took to keep me.
He didn't.
What he meant was he wanted to go back to the exact.same.shit. He wanted me to take another ride onthe crazy merry-go-round. Except this time he wants to live his own life in his own place in another state, and come home maybe 1 night a week to play house. But in the meantime, he wants me to do all the things I did before (pay for/take care of the entire household, do all the wifey things, etc) AND he wants me to sit at home like a puppy waiting from him to call me for 3 minutes at a time whenever he can pull himself away from whatever his current entertainment is.
So yea, I'm still an idiot. And I still give someone who will never deserve it WAY too much credit.
Sometimes, all you can do it forget about what you want, realize what the fuck you need, and run as fast as you can away from the thing that is destroying you.
I'll post more later, because right now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces from the latest destruction. Just because you know it's coming doesn't make it suck less.
Eventually you learn, or you die. Either one sounds infinitely better than the current situation.  

Friday, June 3, 2016

My Husband Hates Who I Am

I've discovered something incredibly interesting as of late.

This probably shouldn't be much of a revelation, but to me, it really is.

I've learned that fundamentally, my husband hates who I am as a person.

I'm not entirely sure how I didn't catch this before. Cuz it kinda seems like one of those things that should come up before you wife someone up.

However, it's still the truth. My delay in figuring it out doesn't make it less accurate.

My husband hates that I'm outgoing and social and open and free. He hates that I enjoy big crowds, loud bars, crazy parties, and being surrounded by people. He hates that I'm passionate, about everything that matters to me. He hates that I'm a control freak with ADD. He hates that I spend hours on meticulous details, and then throw it all out the window at the last second to just go with whatever feels right at the moment. He hates that I don't know exactly what I want next, but I'm always pursuing something, never ready to settle for what I have. He hates that I expect so much from myself and those around me instead of allowing mediocrity. He hates that I'm better at walking away from something in the moment, and then figuring it out with music and writing, instead of battling it out then and there. He hates that "finding myself" means a motorcycle and biker rallies one day, church on Sunday, and pasties and music festivals the next. He hates that I will NEVER be the girl who can sit at home and wait for something - if I want something, I go get it. He hates that I can love and hate something in the same day, or sometimes the same minute. He hates that my emotions come in waves, and can crash into whatever is in the way.

This list could go on, and on, and on.

I've spent the better part of the last year hearing about ALL of the things he hates so much about me and how they aren't ok. And it's not stuff like "you leave wet towels on the floor" (which I'm totally guilty of, by the way) or "You don't ever want to have sex with me" (which would be a legit issue we should work on). Nope. Instead he's been chipping away at the core of who I am. Telling me how not ok who I am is. And I've been believing him. And trying to change it.

But here's the thing -

All those things that he hates so much? It's what makes me, ME.

And I'm starting to like that girl.