Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Let's Play A Game

So, I've been informed that there are a number of people who have been following my blog who are actually a part of everything that has been unfolding over the last few months.

I find that to be incredibly interesting.

I mean, I knew that my blog traffic has increased significantly over the past couple of months, but I didn't realize I had an adoring audience of people who were intimately involved in the story.

So first, welcome!

I'm so glad that my life is entertaining enough that you have decided to take the time out of your day to comb through my posts and read my words. I'm flattered.

Secondly, I've decided we should play a game.

A game called - "Who Is This Message For?"

The rules are simple. I write a message below, and those of you reading can determine if it's for you.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not subtle. So this should be easy.

You ready? Here we go:

Message #1

You are a broken, insignificant person who's only way to feel important is by tearing other people down. I think it's incredibly sad that you refuse to believe in true love and commitment, and instead convince yourself and your children that women are only out to use you and you must protect yourself at all costs. It must be a terribly isolating way to live, and I wonder what happened to break your heart so badly that you are forever jaded. Because of this negative, manipulative, narcissistic outlook, the only reason people tolerate or engage you at all anymore is because of what you can offer them materially, otherwise they want nothing to do with you. So enjoy your money, your (paid for) women, and your ridiculous flagrant displays of self-appointed importance, because that is all you will ever have. You will still die lonely and by yourself, because you've never taken the time to invest in authentic relationships, so when you have nothing left to offer, those people who "love" you so much right now will disappear.

Message #2

You're kind of a badass, and kind of a dumbass. The simple fact that you were willing to intimately engage with someone who is married, and who you were going to represent, makes me seriously question your morals and your sanity. But I get it, the boy is charming as fuck, and he has a type: Strong, successful, independent women. That's us. I can't hate on that. And I respect the hell out of you for the reasons you broke it off - it made me smile more than it probably should have. You're welcome, by the way. I just saved you from everything you've read. No hard feelings. Just stay away from me if we end up in the same bar one night. And everything you did? I did first.

Message #3

You absolutely disgust me at the highest level. You're an dirty, attention-seeking, whore who clearly couldn't make her own marriage work, and yet decided that participating in the destruction of someone else's was acceptable. As a woman, and ESPECIALLY as a woman who knows the pain of recent separation and divorce, you should be ashamed of yourself. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, and truly thought you were a better person than that. Clearly, I was VERY wrong. Sorry that you are incapable of hanging onto a relationship and can't even manage to keep your child's father in his life. But being a backstabbing slut certainly isn't going to help that, and desperately clinging to other people's husbands under the veil of "friendship" just makes you pathetic. Go find a baby daddy elsewhere, figure how not to be a desperate, manipulative bitch, and don't ever contact us again. Cuz bitch, you lose. On every level. Move along.

Message #4

I've never met you, but we have so much in common. Mostly because we've been through hell with the same man. It's nice having someone who gets it, who's been there, and who can understand the crazy I've been dealing with in ways that no one else can. I respect you for doing it as long as you did, and I respect you for getting off the merry-go-round. I wish you nothing but good and happiness, and am grateful you reached out to me to let me know I'm not the only one. XOXO

Message #5

Mind your own damn business. If you aren't going to be impartial, and are just going to write everything off as "crazy", then at least have the common sense to stay the fuck out of it instead of participating. Writing dating profiles? Blowing up wedding cakes? Really?! Y'all should be way too mature for that. It's disappointing. Fortunately, I no longer have to be a part of the lakehouse drama, so ultimately you are irrelevant. But it still sucks to know that adults would participate in teenage games. It's too bad - because I had no issue with any of you.

Message #6

I love you. Always have. Always will. Wherever life takes us from here, that doesn't change. You broke my heart - that isn't a secret - but it doesn't change how I feel. Sometimes life throws us things we don't want and don't know how to deal with, but you learn and you grow and you figure it out as you go. And sometimes things break you so completely you have no choice but to start over and build from the ground up. That was you. That was us. The good was fairy-tale amazing, the bad was the stuff nightmares are made of. Some call it crazy - and they are probably right. But if it isn't crazy, passionate, burn your soul to the ground, can't-live-without-it kind of love, is it even worth it? Even knowing what I do now, I wouldn't go back and change it. I'd still say yes to that beer. Still say yes to coming over 6 months later. And still say yes to everything from that moment to this one. It's been one hell of a ride.

So there you have it.

Like I said, not real subtle. But hey, you came to MY blog, so I get to say whatever I like. Love it, or leave it. Either way works just fine for me.

Hope you enjoyed the game. I definitely did.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Choose Wisely

So, here's the thing I've discovered over the past few months of heartbreak, divorce proceedings, craziness, loss, adventure, learning, growing, and becoming:

The heart wants what it wants.

No matter how bad of an idea it may be. No matter how much it may hurt. No matter that logic and reason and everyone with any sense advises against it.

The heart is stupid. It is also powerful. And full of hope.

You can't force it to want, or not want, something. You can't sway it with facts. You really can't do shit about it except either follow it or wait it out.

Either way, it could hurt.

Either way, it could end badly.

Either way, you may not end up where you want to be.

Ultimately, life is a gamble. Love is a gamble. Relationships are a gamble.

No one can guarantee how anything is going to turn out.

So the best you can do is try to figure out the path that will make you the most complete, and then follow it with everything that you have.

No one can tell you what that is. People can give advice, and support, and help you navigate. But ultimately only YOU are response for living YOUR life.

So choose wisely.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Peter Pan

I wasn't aware that my husband knew Kelsea Ballerini.

Clearly though, he must.

Because this song was written about him. 100%.

Don't believe me? Just take an gander at these lyrics:

The smile, the charm, the words, the spark,
Everything, you had it

I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy,
I let you have it
You said I was your only,
I never thought you'd leave me lonely
You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man,

Peter Pan

Seriously, right? Written for him.

My husband used to joke that he could either be a pilot or grow up. Not both. It was endearing at the time, until I realized he actually believed that, and planned to live accordingly.

When there was something he didn't want to deal with - he would LITERALLY fly away. He would pick up a last minute trip and just disappear. For hours, days, however long he felt it was necessary to sufficiently punish me and make me give in to whatever he wanted.

Anyway, back to my point.

Either there are multiple sociopathic pilots in the world (Which, based on the pilots I know, is VERY possible) or this song writer had a thing with my husband.

Either way - you should check this song out. And then thank god that this song isn't your life.

Cuz believe me, and Kelsea, it SUCKS.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

New Adventures... Hard Choices...

So, when my husband left/lied/cheated/destroyed me (take your pick, it's all accurate) I was completely convinced that my life was over. Permanently. That I would never smile again. Laugh again. Know happiness or love, ever again.

I was dramatic. And I was wrong.

At the time, it felt 100% real though. And my instinct was to run away, because that's what I do best. When things get too hard, I take off and don't look back. I always have. That's how I ended up moving across the US multiple times. It's also how I ended up travelling around Europe, spending a crazy weekend in Cabo, St Patty's Day in NYC, etc. etc. etc. Basically, I leave a lot.

So, naturally, my first thought when my world crumbled was "RUN". Far and fast. And permanently. I immediately started looking for options - jobs, houses, etc. - in St Louis, Colorado, California, Austin, anywhere but here. I was ready to drop everything and just go, because it seemed so much less painful than staying and facing this.

But here's the thing - I have a life here. I have stability here. I have a house. A job. And, most importantly, I have family.

Not biological family - in that sense, I am very much on my own in Texas. But friends who have become my family with their love, support, and "never give up on me" way of life.

These are people who have been in my life since long before I ever met my husband. These are the people who have watched me grow up, supported my goals, and been by my side through the good and bad, to celebrate the fun times and to help me pick up the pieces when my world crumbles.

And I decided I'm not running from that. Instead, I'm embracing that.

My husband has taken SO damn much from me with his sociopathic lies and manipulation. I'm not going to let him take my security. My stability. My friends. My LIFE.

I realized pretty quickly how raw I was as a result of all of this. And because of that, making any big life decisions from a point of devastation was a terrible idea. So, I put myself in a 6 month "time out".

From the day he left, I'm not making any major changes for 6 months. No moving, no running, no tattooing my entire body or joining a nunnery. Because anything I do will likely be from a place of hurt, of anger, of fear, or of revenge. And none of those are good things to base huge life changes on.

Instead, I'm focusing on making myself better. On physically, mentally, and emotionally improving myself. My current world revolves around the things, people, and experiences that heal my heart and fill my soul. That make me feel stronger, happier, more stable, and loved.

The best part is that it's working. I have amazing people in my life and, as a result, have the opportunity to be a part of incredible experiences. I'm taking care of ME. There is so much positive. So much good. So much healing.

I realize that no matter what, I will always be okay. This would've been the thing to break me, if anything was ever going to.

But it didn't. I'm still here. I'm still breathing. And more than that, I'm thriving. Because I get to do the things that are good for me, instead of sacrificing my needs so that someone else can follow their dreams, which ultimately didn't include me anyway.

The 6 months is going by quickly. I have a lot of events and activities planned that allow me to focus on friends and happiness and continue to build my physical, mental, and emotional strength. Before I know it, I will be out of "time out" and then I can start to decide what comes next with a clear head and an open heart.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know what my future holds. But I know the people that will be by my side as I figure it all out. I know there will be love and adventure and excitement and hard work. I know I will fall again, and I will get up. I will fail, and I will succeed.

And I know that nothing and no one can break me.

Because he didn't.