Thursday, March 24, 2016

Necessary Endings

So, apparently someone is PISSED that I decided to put the truth out there for all to see.

Yea, if I was a piece of shit human being, I wouldn't like it either. But guess what, sometimes the truth hurts.

Speaking of truth, and hurting, let's talk about what finally got me to my ending point.

Obviously, I wasn't there before. I love my husband, I wanted to work it out, I made excuses for his behavior, I tried literally everything I could possible think of, ranging from normal to insane, to try to make our marriage work. I cried. I begged. I took blame where I shouldn't have. I put up with shit no woman should EVER have to. I WANTED my marriage, no matter how toxic it was to me.

And then, Friday happened. And that was it.

My husband called me at work on Thursday morning, telling me that he was in town and wanted to see me (which was completely random and unexpected - but I was thrilled). I'd had plans for MONTHS to see Florida Georgia Line that night, which is my ALL TIME, most favorite band in the world, and he knew that. So he told me he didn't want me to miss it for him, because I would hold it against him. I repeatedly told him that it was more important to me to see him than to go to the concert, but I couldn't get him to commit to actually see me, even though there were plenty of interspersed "I love you"s in our conversation. He did this all day, which led to me literally laying in my bed sobbing at 6 PM, because all I wanted was him and he was playing his usual game of reel me in with lies and "I love you"s, and then as soon as he has me where he wants me, completely disappear and drop me again. Literally block my texts and calls, and ignore me totally, without explanation. It's sick. It's painful. And I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. Seriously. Fucking shoot me in the chest, but don't fuck with my emotions that way.

So, I decided on Friday it was time to make a line in the sand.

I sent my husband a message, via both e-mail and text, because I never know what he has blocked, that said basically 2 things - 1. I was off work for the day because a water line had broken, and I would love to spend the day with him and talk to him, but that I realized more than likely that request would be ignored. and 2. That if I didn't hear from him, I would be at a certain bar at 6:20 Friday night, and would wait until 6:45. If he showed, we could talk. If he didn't, that was my sign that he didn't love me, didn't want this to work, and was done, and I would accept that and be done as well, because I couldn't keep playing his games. I didn't think I'd hear from him, or that he'd show up.

What I didn't expect is what he did next. Although, looking back, I probably should have. I should have considered the cruelest, most vindictive, terrible thing one person could do to another in this situation, and then prepare for that. But I didn't, because for some unknown and illogical reason, I still had faith that this man would come through for me, despite all evidence to the absolute contrary.

So I hear from him around 10 AM. He says he wants to talk, and will do his best to be there at 6:20, but that he has to drive out to Austin to test fly an airplane, so it would probably be a little later. I told him if he was actually going to show up, that I would work around his schedule. So we decided on 8 PM instead. All day, he sent me messages telling me he loved me, was excited to see me, and giving me intermittent updates on his "trip to Austin". At 7:30 he texted to say he was close to the lakehouse, where his car supposedly was, but that it would be 8:20 before he made it down to our meeting spot. Again, I said that was fine as long as he wasn't standing me up again. His exact response? "I WILL NOT."

About 5 minutes later, I got a text from a friend, who informed that he had seen my husband spending the day at the Airshow in Conroe. Things QUICKLY started to make so much more sense. He was lying to me again. Of course. But why? At this point, my head was SCREAMING at me that I had my answer, but my heart refused to accept it.

So at 8:15, when I was almost to the spot we were meeting, he sent another text saying it was going to be later and he would call me to explain in a few minutes. 20 minutes later, he called. The story he gave me was that "somehow" his dad had run into an airshow guy AND one of my husband's buddies from flight school (who freaking lives in Florida and would have absolutely NO reason to be randomly in Houston, btw) and so last minute they decided to take the limo down to dinner together.

It wasn't even a well put together lie. It was total and complete bullshit. And he knew it. And I knew it. And I called him on it. His response to me? Again, exact words: "I wouldn't have to lie to you, but I can't just drop everything in my life when you decide to come back around."

Let that sink in. When I decide to come back around.

Me. The one who never left. The one who has been begging for this man's time and attention while he's been running all over the country. Me. The one who has dropped literally everything in my life to do anything possible to save my marriage. The one who was willing to pack up and move across the country for him while I couldn't get him to drive across town for me.

But he can't "drop everything" when I decide to come back around.

Again, I know. This should have been my "That's it" moment. But again, my heart is stupid.

So I let him blame me for his lies, again. I let him keep me on the hook, again. And I agreed to wait while they "stopped by a friends house in the limo", and would call me when they were headed that way. His plan, or so he said, was to meet me while everyone else was having dinner across the street.

So, I waited at the spot we agreed on. Again. For over an hour. At this point, he's decided to just ignore my texts again completely. I called my sister, who very wisely told me that I needed to get up, walk away and be done. But I didn't. Instead, I kept waiting. Kept hoping. And kept looking like an idiot.

Finally, at 10 PM, I decided it was time to take action.

I walked across the street to where he said the guys were going to be having dinner. As soon as I walked in, I saw him and his buddy sitting with 2 girls having dinner.

Yep. Really. On a fucking double date with 2 girls while his wife is waiting across the street.

That was it. I fucking lost it.

I walked up to the table, where he had his back to me, and said "Hi, I'm the wife".

It was pretty chaotic after that. His buddy was trying to diffuse the situation, my husband was literally frozen in place not saying a word, and one of the girls was trying to give me some line about "woman to woman, I swear I didn't know". I basically had the entire patio's attention when I told him we could either do this right there or he could follow me to a more private setting. He still didn't move or say a word until his friend (who apparently has slightly more brains than my husband) told him he'd better go.

So we walked about 20 feet away, still with the rapt attention of the entire restaurant I'm sure, and I let him have it. I'm pretty sure, but not positive, that I was screaming at him. But I'm definitely sure he deserved it.

After about a minute of me asking him how the fuck he thought what he was doing to me was ok, he looked at me and finally spoke for the first time. And he said "I'm not doing this with you if you're going to act like this". And he walked off.

I didn't follow him. There was no point. I wanted an answer, and damn it, I got it. In the most shitty, cowardly, disgusting way possible.

I went home, and took a baseball bat to every wedding picture we had. I screamed. I cried. My sister seriously thought I had lost my mind. But I got it out. All of it.

And I'm finally done.

That's what it took. And it sucks.

It sucks that my husband is such a narcissistic coward that he would continue to play these games with my heart, It sucks that I let him blame me for so much for so long, when he is clearly so incredibly fucked up. It sucks I had to literally feel my heart break into thousands of pieces, just like those stupid wedding pictures.

But I'm done.

I'm standing up for me now. My life. My happiness. And the truth.

I've completely blocked him out of my life so that he cannot get ahold of me and continue his games. I'm moving forward with the divorce. And I'm protecting myself.

Because he never did. And never will.

I grieve for the person I thought he was. But that was a lie. The person he really is I want nothing to do with, ever again.

One day, he will love someone the way I loved him. Totally, completely, heart and soul.

And I hope that person does exactly to him what he did to me.

I let him do it, for too long. But not anymore. I have the control now, because I have made the necessary ending. It's done. It's over.

And life has already gotten so much better.

Removing toxic people from your life leaves room for happiness and love and good people. And that's exactly what is happening.

This had to end, because it was time for a new beginning.

Beginnings are incredible. And full of hope.

And so am I.

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