Sunday, June 20, 2010

Freedom and Other Things...

You know the moment when you feel the most free? It's the moment when you finally just let go. Suddenly, all the stress and frustration and anger just melts away and you can simply accept things for what they are and move forward.

I did this today.

It feels sooooooooo good.

I've been putting so much time and energy and effort into something that was an uphill battle. I've been fighting a fight that I am probably never going to win. I have been wearing myself out and making myself physically sick trying to make things work out. But they just aren't.

Today, though, it hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS is my life. THIS is what I have to enjoy. I have today. I probably have tomorrow, but you never know.

I keep telling myself that if I just meet the next goal, then I will be happy. If I just get my degree, get a better job, marry an amazing man, etc. etc. etc. THEN I will be happy. But it's not about then, it's about NOW. Today.

I have a beautiful life. It's complicated, it's messy, and it's not always easy. But nothing worth having is. It is beautiful. I have a roof over my head, 2 boys who adore me, and I'm fulfilling my dream of going back to school. No, I don't have a job. But things are working themselves out for now. And when they don't, I'll figure it out. I always land on my feet.

It's not about making a mad dash to the end and missing everything along the way. This is a journey. My journey. I don't want to look back and only remember the blur. I want to remember the days, the moments, the memories that make it all worth it. I want to find my happiness right now. Not in a degree or a job or a man. But in the here and now.

Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.

I plan to spend way more time living that way. And the first step in doing that was to just let go. So today I did.

I feel free.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Bitch List...

So you may just want to skip this post... because I'm telling you now it's not nice or happy or full of roses. Sorry. For those of you that can hang... enjoy.

I can not STAND men who act like children. I can not stand laziness, sloth, lack of ambition, childishness, and immaturity. A couple hints for men who want to attract women worth keeping -

1) Have a damn job. Living off mommy and daddy is NOT attractive. No matter how much money they throw at you. It's repulsive actually. And says a whole lot about your integrity and work ethics.

2) Eat your F-ing vegetables. Sorry, I'm not your mother and this is not a restaurant. If you want your mother's cooking, and sympathy, then go back to living with HER.

3) On that note - if a woman feels like she has to be your mother, there is no way in hell she is going to want to go to bed with you. Mother and sex goddess are 2 entirely different people. You can't have both. You can have someone to mother you, feel sorry for you, clean up after you, and take care of you, OR you can have a chick that can rock your world and be your equal. Choose wisely.

4) STOP overcompensating. It's not attractive. We already know.

5) What's worse than a man's faults? A man who DENIES those faults or makes excuses for them or gets pissed off when you point them out. Seriously, don't get mad at ME because YOU failed 3 semesters of college or lived with your parents through most of your twenties or didn't have a girlfriend until you were 21 or have to beg your college professors to give you the grade you want. I'm just saying... Facts are facts.

6) The words "You have no idea what I went through back when _____________ (fill in the blank)" say to women "I'm pathetic and make excuses for my actions cuz I'm not man enough to own them".

People who are lazy, indifferent, and really don't give a fuck piss me off. Kids who show up in class and do nothing but get through it are close to the top of my shit list right now. People who's parents put them through college and ALL they have to do is show up and do their best, yet they blow it off and waste the opportunity annoy me. Because the rest of us get to actually work our asses off to be there, and are grateful for the chance. So stop being ignorant and realize that there is more to life than 6 packs, tanning, and video games.

Oh, and people - LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT. How long are you going to leech off our your family? At what point do you realize that self sufficiency really is worth the hard work and sacrifice? I am grateful everyday that my parents forced me to grow up and take care of myself and figure out my own shit. I don't have a crutch. I don't have a fallback plan. I don't have a get to run home when things get hard. Instead, I get to do it by myself. And it's been hard. Reallly hard sometimes. But it's worth it. Because the sense of accomplishment is amazing. I have something to be proud of. Anything I have, it's because I've worked for it. Anything that I do, it's me. Can you say that? NOPE. Independence is worth it. Try it. Or continue to suck your family dry. Whatever works for you I guess.

Ok, that's all. I'm off to a hot bath and studying...

Monday, June 14, 2010

Just Had to Share...

So you know the "crazy, insane, work too many hours for not enough pay with a psycho Frenchman who thinks it is his personal obligation to tear every human being around him to shreds" job that I quit a few weeks ago?

Wellll.... Before I quit, they hired someone else and I spent 4 days training him. Showing him the ins and out of the approximately 5,393,204 things that I do for the company. I think all the work scared the hell out of him, but I really did try to paint it in the most positive light possible (Read - I didn't tell him about the crappy hours, crazy responsibilities, or psycho boss. I knew he would figure it out on his own soon enough.)

Today, however, I got a text from one of my former employees. Dude quit. He didn't even make it a MONTH. And he was making $10,000 more than me a year. He couldn't deal with the insanity. And there is lots of insanity!

Ha! For once I got to see Karma in action. And I have to admit, it was niiiice!

Honeymoon Math

So, anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty much a live and let live kinda person. Sure, I have opinions on everything, and will happily give them if asked, but the truth is that for the most part I really don't care how other people choose to live their lives. It's WHATEVER. :)

However, the exception to that comes when people make a life mission out of telling other people how to live their lives, and then don't even follow their own damn advice.

Then, I get pissed.

Let me tell you a little story...

Let's jump back about 9 years... to when I was 17 years old...

There was this girl, we're going to call her KK, who thought she was God's gift to, well, everything. You know the type - head of the youth group, all about prayer in schools, head of the "True Love Waits" movement in the city, etc. etc. etc. Again, I would have no problem with ANY of this except that she was SHOVING it down everyone elses throat. Gag me. Literally.

As soon as she graduated, she and her "true love waits" boyfriend got married. I think that lasted all of a year before they cheated on each other and ended up divorced.

At this point, she jumped BACK into the church/God/shoving what she believes down other people's throats thing. She ended up becoming the leader of the youth group we all used to go to, and seemed to really be into the life style.

(Side note - most of this I know because of mutual friends - this next part I know because she requested me as a friend on Facebook about a year ago, and what can I say? I was curious. So I accepted.)

So, KK is super youth minister chick, fighter of all things evil, and a huge advocate of this "True Love Waits" thing. (Which is a no sex before marriage initiative, FYI)

She meets this guy, called DD, who is also a youth pastor, and they are all lovey dovey for like 6 months. Then all of the sudden, BAM, her status is single. No clue what happened, but trust me, I was wondering.

6 weeks or so after the random singleness, she posts a facebook thing "I'm gonna be Mrs. DD - he proposed!" Everyone is like "Huh? Thought you were single?" She explains he realized how much he loved her and they are getting married, in less than 2 months.

So they get married at the end of April. Run off to their Hawaii honeymoon and whatevs. Yay, happily ever after. End of story. Right? Nope.

2 days ago there is a new status "Getting ultrasound pics of baby DD".  So I'm like, ok, cool, they wasted no time, whatevs.

Until she mentions that her due date is early October.

Am I the only one who can do math here? HELLO. People can quit with the "guess we knew what you were doing on your honeymoon" crap cuz guess what? Homegirl was already 3 months prego when they got married. This explains a LOT.

Does anyone see my point here? I could care less that someone got pregnant outside of marriage and decided to have a shotgun wedding and pass it off as a honeymoon baby. Seriously. To each her own. I did it for God sake, I'm not one to judge.

What really pisses me off is that she literally spends every day of her life preaching to kids about NOT having sex before marriage. About waiting. About God.

Can we say hypocrite?

If you are going to shove something down others people's throat, I really don't think it's too much to ask that you at least live that way. Otherwise, do you REALLY expect anyone to listen to you?

And the best part? Her new status... "I thank God for those who don't judge me for my shortcomings, because I'm willing to admit them and they make me a better Christian". Good. Fucking. Lord.

THIS is my problem with Christianity in a nutshell. I like your Christ, can't STAND your Christians.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I AM Alive...

I know, it's hard to believe considering that I have disappeared for a MONTH.

But this blog isn't RIP yet!

Soooo much has happened, and it has been completely insane.

The short recap -

*Cancun was AMAZING - it included parasailing, cliff jumping, snorkeling, lots of hot days and fun nights. Loved it! Unfortunately, my camera got stolen on our last day there, so pictures are pretty much nonexistent.

*I quit my job 2 days before I left for Cancun. You have NO idea how AMAZING that felt. No more crazy boss. No more 11 hour days. No more workplace drama. Love it. The only downside is I'm now basically without an income. But eh, details.

*I moved from Houston 10 days ago. Moving, ps, SUCKS. Packing and organizing and loading and driving. Multiple times over. I'm still working on the unpacking part, but at least the house looks okay. All the boxes are in the garage and I bring them in one at a time as time allows. I also somehow fit a garage sale into the mix before I left, so I got rid of a bunch of stuff as well.

*School started last Monday. I'm officially a full time student again. It's good. And bad. Of course I'm super stressed about the financial piece of it, but I'm doing this to better myself and my life. 1 week and 3 tests in, I'm still hanging in there!

*J is in Colorado with my mom, and occasionally visiting his dad, for 3 weeks. I miss him like CRAZY, but at least the timing is good because I only have 1 munchkin to deal with during this transitition. At some point, K is going to visit for a week also, and then I'll have them both back.

Sooo... those are the highlights of my world these days. I promise that I will get back into the swing of things and share real "blogworthy" events and details soon. I have lots! I'm just currently drowning in the world of school and moving and getting organized and dealing with the newest total life change. It's what I do!