Friday, April 29, 2016

It Don't Hurt Like It Used To

This. Just this.

You go through hell. And you get better. A day at a time.

I'm living proof. You can live through the worst heartbreak of your life.

 It sucks. It shreds you. There are moments you don't think you can do it for another second.

But you can. And you will make it.

I am.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I Must Have Married A Sociopath

I don't even have to explain. This says it all. So completely clearly. So 100% accurately.

THIS was my life with my husband.

Apparently, I must have married a sociopath.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

You Live

It's been a few weeks since I've had the opportunity to sit down and write something meaningful.

But I see that as a positive step in a good direction.

I haven't had the chance because of work, family, busy schedules, and new adventures.

I haven't had the chance to write a blog post, because I've been too busy living.

My life is so incredibly different than I imagined it would be 2 months ago. I thought by now I would be moved to Raleigh, getting settled into a new job and a new home, dealing with a husband that was gone 4-5 days a week, and trying to meet new people and make new friends. It would've been hard, but I was willing to do all of that. Because I was deluded into thinking marriage actually meant something to the person I was committed to. Funny how you can be so wrong about things.

Instead, I'm single. I'm in the same house, same job, yet a totally different life.

I get to spend time with people who love and appreciate me whenever I want to. I have grown closer to old friends, and made some incredible new ones. I've had opportunities for incredible experiences with amazing people. I have so many things to look forward to, knowing that I get to do them with people who aren't going to lie to me, use me, and leave me.

Has every second been easy? Of course not. Divorce isn't easy. Finding out the person that you loved with everything you were absolutely did not give a fuck about you isn't easy. Having to find a whole new direction for you life, and then getting up every morning and reminding yourself that your reality is permanently changed isn't easy.

But you do it. And you smile. And you thank god for the people that walk beside you. And you find good in the bad, and enjoy the moments of happiness, and breathe in and breathe out, and survive.

And, if you're lucky, you end up in places and with people that would've never been possible had you stayed in the prior situation.

And you know you're going to be better than okay.

And you live.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Find What Makes Your Soul Sing

The last few weeks have been all about finding a new normal.

Running away and re-centering was Step 1. A tropical vacation with one of the greatest people in my life, tons of sun, free flowing booze, thousands of Spring Breakers, and just being able to leave all the shit behind was exactly what I needed in order to start remembering who I am.

Before I met Voldemorte (Yes, that's the name now - it's appropriate. Because he's evil incarnate, is set on destroying me, and shouldn't even be mentioned anymore in my life) I was a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I embraced a lot of things. My life was full and my interests were many.

I gave up a lot of "me" for the "us" future I planned with him. That's not necessary a completely bad thing, but there comes a point where it gets unhealthy. The problem was that his schedule was so erratic (or more accurately, as I know now, the time he actually deemed worthy of spending with me instead of with the many other people and things that also had his attention was very limited) and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I dropped my activities since they would interfere with our time together. My life basically became working, and then waiting for him to be home so we could enjoy life together. That's not me. It's not who I am.

I love skydiving. I love fast motorcycles. I love softball. I love karaoke. I love shooting guns. I love live music and big crowds. I love taking my truck through the mud. I love adventures and meeting new people and trying things that scare me and finding things that make my heart smile. I love friendships that be wild adventures or sitting in PJs talking until 4 am.

I gave this all up.

And I'm working on getting it all back. On getting me back. On finding my bliss.

Because I can't change the past. I can't change him. I can't change what happened. So you leave that behind you and you move forward. With new adventures, with new people, with new goals.

My outlook for the future has changed completely. Instead of planning a life of following my pilot husband around the country while he builds his dream, I get to keep building mine.

And I've been reminded that I have the most incredible friends in the entire world. Old friends and new ones that have appeared just when I needed them, these people have been here for me every second. They have let me scream and cry and cuss and break shit, and they've helped me clean up the mess. They've invited me out to events to distract me, and for holidays so I wouldn't be alone. They've been there to listen, to offer advice, to remind me of my worth, and to tell me I'm not crazy and my life isn't over. They've helped me see who I was really married to, not just the fantasy I had in my head. And they've helped to rebuild myself. I couldn't even imagine doing this without these amazing people in my life.

I'm blessed to have true friends.

And I almost feel sorry for "he who shall not be named", because he burned so many bridges with his friends with his bullshit and his lies and his actions. He's had to resort to messaging old friends of his former exes to find someone to hang out. That's pretty pathetic. But, it's what happens when you have no integrity and manipulate everyone in your life. I do hope he finds some people in his life that are willing to be true friends, and be there for him, and also be honest with him about how he got where he is today.

But I guess none of that is really my problem anymore is it? I have exactly who and what I need in my life. And that's enough. It's better than enough.

It's my road to an incredible, bright, happy future with the people who truly love and value me and deserve my time and my love.

Find what makes your soul sing, and then pursue it with all your heart!