I actually tried googling "Why do I attract crazy people?"
Yep, nothing helpful.
Annoying. Amusing. A little creepy. But definitely NOT helpful.
I'm seriously open to suggestions here.
WHY do crazy people flock to me like magnets?
We aren't talking a little weird, or quirky, or strange.
I'm talking like 2 seconds away from a psychiatric hospital kind of crazy.
And it's not just guys I date. It's bosses, acquaintances, random people who feel the need to become strangely obsessed with me and then subsequently go nuts.
W.T.F.
My lifetime friends can confirm that this has been happening since I was about 14, so this is definitely a repeating pattern. And one I seriously need to break.
So I'm asking, sincerely, what is it about me that attracts this kind of crazy?
Aside from locking myself in a padded cell, I'm going to continue to have these problems.
So it needs to be fixed. Soon.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Advice You Don't Want But Probably Need
These are some of the things that people probably tried to tell me, but I didn't want to hear.
And you will probably not want to hear them either.
But let's just assume that I'm a little older, and a little wiser, and a have a little more life experience than your typical high school or college girl who is dating the man of her dreams and planning her wedding and names her kids. So I'm REALLY trying to help.
So take it or leave it. But if you leave it, file it away, because I promise you in 10 years I'll be right.
*If he cheated once, he'll do it again.
Yes, he's sorry. Yes, he promised. But guess what? He WILL do it again. He'll just try harder to not get caught.
*If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
He had a great girl (or at least he thought so at one point or they wouldn't be dating), and he cheated on her with you. So what happens when you piss him off or ask him to do the laundry or gain 5 pounds and seem less great? You think he'll continue to be faithful because he's committed to you? Yea....
*The way he treats his mom matters
Seriously. His mother is the woman that sets the bar for how he treats females. He will likely treat her the best of all the women in his life. So if he treats her badly, is rude or disrespectful, or downright mean, be careful. Chances are he will treat you worse than that.
*Don't sleep with a guy on the 1st date
I know he's cute. I know you've had a couple drinks. I know you think he may be the one. DON'T do it. Even the nice guys aren't going to turn you down if you are willing to give it up that easily. But they sure as hell won't respect you after that. So do yourself a favor and wait. It'll be just as good a few dates down the road, and you'll feel better about yourself. Oh, and are the chances of STDs really worth it after you've known someone for 2 hours? Don't do it. Just.Don't.
*If he won't claim you in public, you shouldn't waste your time
Secret relationships? Really? This isn't the CIA, and it's not cool. Even if he treats you well in private, if he won't claim you as his girlfriend and treat you well in front of his friends, then it's not a relationship, it's a convenience. You are being used. Period. So unless you are cool with just being a hookup and feeling like crap everytime he ignores you in public, move on.
*You will fall in love again, and you will forget him.
When you get your heart broken, it seems impossible to believe that you will ever move on or be happy again. The idea of not thinking about him every day doesn't seem real. But it WILL happen. It takes a while, but it will hurt less. And one day, you'll come across something that reminds you of him, and you'll be amazed that you've forgotten his middle name or his birthday or even what he looks like. You let go. And you forget. Even though you swear you won't.
*A few close friends are all you really need
In an age where everyone is obsessed with having 2,000 facebook friends, this can be really hard to believe. But it's true. Sure, it's nice to have a list of people to choose from when you want to hang out on a Friday night, but more important are those times when you really need someone to talk to, to pick you up at 3 AM, or to understand your extreme Twilight obsession and crazy family and love you anyway. Those people who seem so "popular" usually A. Don't have anyone they can really turn to when they need something and B. Are covering their insecurities by surrounding themselves with people. The best friendships have depth, and quality. Find a few of those and you can get through anything. Even lonely Friday nights and broken hearts :)
*You know those few close friends you have? Listen to them.
If you have those close friends who really know you and love you, you should pay attention when they tell you things like A. You're being a bitch unnecessarily B. That guy you're dating really isn't good for you C. That random trip to Cabo you can't afford but really want to do - do it. The point is that they know you. They want what's best for you. They aren't telling you things just to piss you off. So pay attention. You don't always have to do what they say, but take their opinions into account.
*Don't put off doing the things you want to
People think there will always be time "later" to do the things they want to do. But when you let moments pass you by, you're giving up the opportunity to do fabulous things now. So just do it. Skydive. Take a cross country road trip. Buy a motorcycle. Ride a bull. Bartend on the beach.Whatever it is, just do it. Living fully means embracing opportunities and taking chances. And those are the moments you'll cherish. So don't put it off, especially because of a relationship. Never EVER give up something you really want because of a guy, you will regret it. And resent him for it. Neither are good.
*It doesn't get easier, but you'll figure it out
There will always be people who try to make you feel bad or bring you down. You won't always win. Heartbreak still hurts. Life won't always go the way you want. Sometimes people are mean. Sometimes life sucks. But the great part about growing up is you learn to deal with it. You figure out how to handle disappointment and devastation. You learn to handle it with grace and move on with dignity. And you learn how to stand up for yourself. So while life doesn't get easier, you'll get tougher. And you'll be fine.
And you will probably not want to hear them either.
But let's just assume that I'm a little older, and a little wiser, and a have a little more life experience than your typical high school or college girl who is dating the man of her dreams and planning her wedding and names her kids. So I'm REALLY trying to help.
So take it or leave it. But if you leave it, file it away, because I promise you in 10 years I'll be right.
*If he cheated once, he'll do it again.
Yes, he's sorry. Yes, he promised. But guess what? He WILL do it again. He'll just try harder to not get caught.
*If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
He had a great girl (or at least he thought so at one point or they wouldn't be dating), and he cheated on her with you. So what happens when you piss him off or ask him to do the laundry or gain 5 pounds and seem less great? You think he'll continue to be faithful because he's committed to you? Yea....
*The way he treats his mom matters
Seriously. His mother is the woman that sets the bar for how he treats females. He will likely treat her the best of all the women in his life. So if he treats her badly, is rude or disrespectful, or downright mean, be careful. Chances are he will treat you worse than that.
*Don't sleep with a guy on the 1st date
I know he's cute. I know you've had a couple drinks. I know you think he may be the one. DON'T do it. Even the nice guys aren't going to turn you down if you are willing to give it up that easily. But they sure as hell won't respect you after that. So do yourself a favor and wait. It'll be just as good a few dates down the road, and you'll feel better about yourself. Oh, and are the chances of STDs really worth it after you've known someone for 2 hours? Don't do it. Just.Don't.
*If he won't claim you in public, you shouldn't waste your time
Secret relationships? Really? This isn't the CIA, and it's not cool. Even if he treats you well in private, if he won't claim you as his girlfriend and treat you well in front of his friends, then it's not a relationship, it's a convenience. You are being used. Period. So unless you are cool with just being a hookup and feeling like crap everytime he ignores you in public, move on.
*You will fall in love again, and you will forget him.
When you get your heart broken, it seems impossible to believe that you will ever move on or be happy again. The idea of not thinking about him every day doesn't seem real. But it WILL happen. It takes a while, but it will hurt less. And one day, you'll come across something that reminds you of him, and you'll be amazed that you've forgotten his middle name or his birthday or even what he looks like. You let go. And you forget. Even though you swear you won't.
*A few close friends are all you really need
In an age where everyone is obsessed with having 2,000 facebook friends, this can be really hard to believe. But it's true. Sure, it's nice to have a list of people to choose from when you want to hang out on a Friday night, but more important are those times when you really need someone to talk to, to pick you up at 3 AM, or to understand your extreme Twilight obsession and crazy family and love you anyway. Those people who seem so "popular" usually A. Don't have anyone they can really turn to when they need something and B. Are covering their insecurities by surrounding themselves with people. The best friendships have depth, and quality. Find a few of those and you can get through anything. Even lonely Friday nights and broken hearts :)
*You know those few close friends you have? Listen to them.
If you have those close friends who really know you and love you, you should pay attention when they tell you things like A. You're being a bitch unnecessarily B. That guy you're dating really isn't good for you C. That random trip to Cabo you can't afford but really want to do - do it. The point is that they know you. They want what's best for you. They aren't telling you things just to piss you off. So pay attention. You don't always have to do what they say, but take their opinions into account.
*Don't put off doing the things you want to
People think there will always be time "later" to do the things they want to do. But when you let moments pass you by, you're giving up the opportunity to do fabulous things now. So just do it. Skydive. Take a cross country road trip. Buy a motorcycle. Ride a bull. Bartend on the beach.Whatever it is, just do it. Living fully means embracing opportunities and taking chances. And those are the moments you'll cherish. So don't put it off, especially because of a relationship. Never EVER give up something you really want because of a guy, you will regret it. And resent him for it. Neither are good.
*It doesn't get easier, but you'll figure it out
There will always be people who try to make you feel bad or bring you down. You won't always win. Heartbreak still hurts. Life won't always go the way you want. Sometimes people are mean. Sometimes life sucks. But the great part about growing up is you learn to deal with it. You figure out how to handle disappointment and devastation. You learn to handle it with grace and move on with dignity. And you learn how to stand up for yourself. So while life doesn't get easier, you'll get tougher. And you'll be fine.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
30 Days of Detail - Definition of Love
People seem to think the definition of love is highly complicated.
I would disagree. My definition of love is quite simple:
I simply don't believe in it.
I know, I know, I'm too young to be so bitter and cynical and without hope.
Nope, not it.
I suppose I should clarify - I don't believe in the oogly googly, true love, marriage, spend your life full of passion for one person kind of love.
I think the Greeks had it right. They split the idea of love into 3 distinct pieces. Somewhere along the way, we decided to mesh them all into one thing, and I think THAT is where we went wrong. Because all "love" is not created equal. At all.
The first type of love is Eros. It is based on physical passion, intense desire, and lust. This I believe in, I just don't believe it can last. We've all felt that feeling. You know, the "I just have to have that". The problem, I think, is that many, many, many people believe that somehow this kind of love is enough to see you through 50 years of marriage, 3 kids, losing jobs, life crisis, and whatever else comes your way. Sorry, but I don't think so. Attraction is good, but it ends. I wouldn't base my life on that if I were you.
The second type of love is Philia. This is friendship, or brotherly, love. It encompasses fondness, appreciation, and loyalty. All good things. All important things. But again, not enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. I mean, I'm fond of Panera's Mozzarella Panini. I really, really appreciate it. And I'm loyal to it - I never get anything else when I go there. But that doesn't mean that I can eat nothing but Mozzarella Paninis for the rest of my life. I enjoy variety.
The third type of love is Agape. It's supposedly the perfect love that includes selflessness and self-sacrifice. It's loving someone without requiring anything of them or expecting them to love you back. This is a fabulous idea. It would be great if someone loved me completely and selflessly and without expecting anything back from me. But really, how many people do you know that could, and would, do that? I don't know any. The closest I've seen anyone come in between parents and children, but even then it could be argued there is definitely given and take, and plenty of failure. As far as a romantic relationship goes, I don't think this would even be plausible. I couldn't do it. I don't know anyone else who could either. People are naturally selfish. So therefore, by extension this wouldn't work. People love people expecting them to eventually return their affection. Otherwise, they give up. Or get committed to a mental institution or prison. Just sayin' - none of those sound like they work out.
So basically, what I'm saying is that I believe 2 people can be sexually attracted to one another, either for one night or for a while. People can care about their friends, be loyal to them, and care about their interests. For a little while, people can even love someone without getting anything in return.
But none of these add up to something I'd be willing to commit my entire life to. None of these convince me that there is a person in this world that I can't live without. None of them make me believe there is someone out there who can complete me and be my soul mate and whatever else the movies spew at us these days.
If you care about someone, great. If you want someone around on a daily basis, okay. If you feel like you can commit to that one person for the rest of your life, good for you. But lots of people make that commitment everyday, and over half of them break it. And even the ones that don't actually get divorced often end up having affairs, living in the spare bedroom, or being miserable for the "kids sake". Again, that doesn't interest me.
For love to really be love, it can't end. And it does, always. So therefore, it's not love.
I'm not saying I wouldn't love to be proven wrong. It would be amazing if I could say that I was wrong and that love, in all its beauty and passion and commitment and strength, really does exist. But I'm not holding my breath. And I'm okay with that. Because I have enough of the other things to keep me content.
I would disagree. My definition of love is quite simple:
I simply don't believe in it.
I know, I know, I'm too young to be so bitter and cynical and without hope.
Nope, not it.
I suppose I should clarify - I don't believe in the oogly googly, true love, marriage, spend your life full of passion for one person kind of love.
I think the Greeks had it right. They split the idea of love into 3 distinct pieces. Somewhere along the way, we decided to mesh them all into one thing, and I think THAT is where we went wrong. Because all "love" is not created equal. At all.
The first type of love is Eros. It is based on physical passion, intense desire, and lust. This I believe in, I just don't believe it can last. We've all felt that feeling. You know, the "I just have to have that". The problem, I think, is that many, many, many people believe that somehow this kind of love is enough to see you through 50 years of marriage, 3 kids, losing jobs, life crisis, and whatever else comes your way. Sorry, but I don't think so. Attraction is good, but it ends. I wouldn't base my life on that if I were you.
The second type of love is Philia. This is friendship, or brotherly, love. It encompasses fondness, appreciation, and loyalty. All good things. All important things. But again, not enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. I mean, I'm fond of Panera's Mozzarella Panini. I really, really appreciate it. And I'm loyal to it - I never get anything else when I go there. But that doesn't mean that I can eat nothing but Mozzarella Paninis for the rest of my life. I enjoy variety.
The third type of love is Agape. It's supposedly the perfect love that includes selflessness and self-sacrifice. It's loving someone without requiring anything of them or expecting them to love you back. This is a fabulous idea. It would be great if someone loved me completely and selflessly and without expecting anything back from me. But really, how many people do you know that could, and would, do that? I don't know any. The closest I've seen anyone come in between parents and children, but even then it could be argued there is definitely given and take, and plenty of failure. As far as a romantic relationship goes, I don't think this would even be plausible. I couldn't do it. I don't know anyone else who could either. People are naturally selfish. So therefore, by extension this wouldn't work. People love people expecting them to eventually return their affection. Otherwise, they give up. Or get committed to a mental institution or prison. Just sayin' - none of those sound like they work out.
So basically, what I'm saying is that I believe 2 people can be sexually attracted to one another, either for one night or for a while. People can care about their friends, be loyal to them, and care about their interests. For a little while, people can even love someone without getting anything in return.
But none of these add up to something I'd be willing to commit my entire life to. None of these convince me that there is a person in this world that I can't live without. None of them make me believe there is someone out there who can complete me and be my soul mate and whatever else the movies spew at us these days.
If you care about someone, great. If you want someone around on a daily basis, okay. If you feel like you can commit to that one person for the rest of your life, good for you. But lots of people make that commitment everyday, and over half of them break it. And even the ones that don't actually get divorced often end up having affairs, living in the spare bedroom, or being miserable for the "kids sake". Again, that doesn't interest me.
For love to really be love, it can't end. And it does, always. So therefore, it's not love.
I'm not saying I wouldn't love to be proven wrong. It would be amazing if I could say that I was wrong and that love, in all its beauty and passion and commitment and strength, really does exist. But I'm not holding my breath. And I'm okay with that. Because I have enough of the other things to keep me content.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Immaturity At It's Best
I HATE HER.
Can I just say that? Well, I already did, so I guess if you aren't okay with it then too.damn.bad.
I've never met her. I probably never will. She has lots of friends, seems to work hard, and is probably a very decent person.
But I don't care.
I HATE HER.
And that is a completely immature, irrational, and judgemental way of doing things. But that's exactly the way that I'm going about it.
Why do I hate her? Good question.
Because she is the ex's new girlfriend. Although "new" is probably not the right word, since they have been together for over a year.
And it's not like he left me for her. It's not like he broke my heart by leaving. It's not like he packed up and moved out overnight.
It was ME who did those things. Granted, it was for good reason. He was cruel and abusive. Life was a rollercoaster. And when I was with him, I was the worst possible version of myself. And despite his promises to change, he didn't . So, I left.
Then, something crazy happened. He DID change. Of course, I haven't spent tons of time with him since I ran off to Texas, but I have seen him and talked to him and been around him (within the 1st year after I left) and he was a very different person. The angry, controlling, mean person that I knew was pretty much gone. When I brought this up, he said it was because of me. That he had lost the most important thing in his life because of the person he was, so he wanted to be someone better, mostly in hopes of winning me back. Obviously, that didn't happen, despite his best efforts spanning well over a year.
So he moved on. To her.
And now they are having a baby together. And living in the house he and I bought together. And enjoying a normal, happy life.
And I despise her for that. And it's totally ridiculous.
I could have had him if I wanted to. Hell, I still could if I put a little effort into it. But I don't want to be with him. That's not the point.
The point is that once again the same thing has happened: I find a guy that is completely screwed up, I deal with all his shit for an extended period of time, help him get his life together, turn him into a decent human being, and then watch him live happily ever after with someone else.
It really sucks.
And currently the best way to deal with that is to hate her. Her - the girl I've never met, who is now carrying his child and living with him, enjoying the life that I could've had and chose to walk away from. Although, if I hadn't left, he probably wouldn't have changed, and would still be that seriously screwed up person. Who knows. (You're welcome, ex!)
I don't miss him. I don't want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. It would just be nice if someday I managed to get the guy who someone else has already fixed, and that I just get to enjoy. Because this fixing men thing is exhausting.
Can I just say that? Well, I already did, so I guess if you aren't okay with it then too.damn.bad.
I've never met her. I probably never will. She has lots of friends, seems to work hard, and is probably a very decent person.
But I don't care.
I HATE HER.
And that is a completely immature, irrational, and judgemental way of doing things. But that's exactly the way that I'm going about it.
Why do I hate her? Good question.
Because she is the ex's new girlfriend. Although "new" is probably not the right word, since they have been together for over a year.
And it's not like he left me for her. It's not like he broke my heart by leaving. It's not like he packed up and moved out overnight.
It was ME who did those things. Granted, it was for good reason. He was cruel and abusive. Life was a rollercoaster. And when I was with him, I was the worst possible version of myself. And despite his promises to change, he didn't . So, I left.
Then, something crazy happened. He DID change. Of course, I haven't spent tons of time with him since I ran off to Texas, but I have seen him and talked to him and been around him (within the 1st year after I left) and he was a very different person. The angry, controlling, mean person that I knew was pretty much gone. When I brought this up, he said it was because of me. That he had lost the most important thing in his life because of the person he was, so he wanted to be someone better, mostly in hopes of winning me back. Obviously, that didn't happen, despite his best efforts spanning well over a year.
So he moved on. To her.
And now they are having a baby together. And living in the house he and I bought together. And enjoying a normal, happy life.
And I despise her for that. And it's totally ridiculous.
I could have had him if I wanted to. Hell, I still could if I put a little effort into it. But I don't want to be with him. That's not the point.
The point is that once again the same thing has happened: I find a guy that is completely screwed up, I deal with all his shit for an extended period of time, help him get his life together, turn him into a decent human being, and then watch him live happily ever after with someone else.
It really sucks.
And currently the best way to deal with that is to hate her. Her - the girl I've never met, who is now carrying his child and living with him, enjoying the life that I could've had and chose to walk away from. Although, if I hadn't left, he probably wouldn't have changed, and would still be that seriously screwed up person. Who knows. (You're welcome, ex!)
I don't miss him. I don't want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. It would just be nice if someday I managed to get the guy who someone else has already fixed, and that I just get to enjoy. Because this fixing men thing is exhausting.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
If The World Ends Tomorrow...
There seems to be a lot of buzz about this world ending tomorrow (or technically, now, today) thing.
First off, I'd like to make a couple of points about this:
*Despite the dramatics, no one is actually claiming the world will end tomorrow. They are claiming that the Rapture will happen tomorrow. That means that Jesus takes all his followers to Heaven, and everyone else will be left on earth for another 7 years before it is finally destroyed. So while we might be down a few family and friends, the world will still be here.
*I'm not a Bible beater by any means, but I do have a little bit of knowledge about this Christianity thing. And I'm pretty sure it specifically says in the Bible that no one knows when Christ will return. So, in my humble opinion, if you believe any of the Bible, you need to believe all of the Bible, and therefore, that means that if you believe the Bible that the Rapture will someday happen, you have to concede to really not having any idea when this is gonna happen. So basically, this whole thing is kinda ridiculous.
It has, however, given many people, myself included, the opportunity to reflect a little bit about what it would be like if this really was it. If tomorrow really was the end.
It made me think about all I've accomplished, all I want to, and all I should have. Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty pissed if I worked my ass off for my degree only to have it for a week before it didn't matter anymore. That would suck. :)
Mostly though, it made me think about who and what is important to me. Do they know how important they are to me? Do those people know how much I love them? Do my boys know that they are my whole world, and they make my life worth living? Do my friends know how much I respect and appreciate them? Does my family realize that, despite our many differences, I will always hold them dear to my heart?
The truth is... I don't know if people know this. But I want them to. I want to live a life that, if my world was to end on a moments notice, I would be okay with. I don't want regrets. I don't want what-ifs. I don't want people to wonder where I stand.
A lot of the time, I live in tomorrows. I assume there will always be time later to do things, tell people things, or make things right. But that's not always true. There won't always be a tomorrow. You can't bank on that.
So instead, I really want to live each day completely, and be able to live without regrets at the end of each day. I want the people who matter to know it, the things I do to be impactful, and the life I live to be exactly what I want.
So at the time my world really does end, I can face it head on without any regrets for how I spent my last days.
And since the world is NOT going to end tomorrow, I can start doing this today!
First off, I'd like to make a couple of points about this:
*Despite the dramatics, no one is actually claiming the world will end tomorrow. They are claiming that the Rapture will happen tomorrow. That means that Jesus takes all his followers to Heaven, and everyone else will be left on earth for another 7 years before it is finally destroyed. So while we might be down a few family and friends, the world will still be here.
*I'm not a Bible beater by any means, but I do have a little bit of knowledge about this Christianity thing. And I'm pretty sure it specifically says in the Bible that no one knows when Christ will return. So, in my humble opinion, if you believe any of the Bible, you need to believe all of the Bible, and therefore, that means that if you believe the Bible that the Rapture will someday happen, you have to concede to really not having any idea when this is gonna happen. So basically, this whole thing is kinda ridiculous.
It has, however, given many people, myself included, the opportunity to reflect a little bit about what it would be like if this really was it. If tomorrow really was the end.
It made me think about all I've accomplished, all I want to, and all I should have. Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty pissed if I worked my ass off for my degree only to have it for a week before it didn't matter anymore. That would suck. :)
Mostly though, it made me think about who and what is important to me. Do they know how important they are to me? Do those people know how much I love them? Do my boys know that they are my whole world, and they make my life worth living? Do my friends know how much I respect and appreciate them? Does my family realize that, despite our many differences, I will always hold them dear to my heart?
The truth is... I don't know if people know this. But I want them to. I want to live a life that, if my world was to end on a moments notice, I would be okay with. I don't want regrets. I don't want what-ifs. I don't want people to wonder where I stand.
A lot of the time, I live in tomorrows. I assume there will always be time later to do things, tell people things, or make things right. But that's not always true. There won't always be a tomorrow. You can't bank on that.
So instead, I really want to live each day completely, and be able to live without regrets at the end of each day. I want the people who matter to know it, the things I do to be impactful, and the life I live to be exactly what I want.
So at the time my world really does end, I can face it head on without any regrets for how I spent my last days.
And since the world is NOT going to end tomorrow, I can start doing this today!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I've Figured Out Why I'm Crazy
I consider myself a fairly reasonable person.
And pretty smart. And logical.
For the most part, I think like a guy.
I analyze, look at the facts, and make decisions (usually) based on what makes the most logical sense.
Unless we are talking about relationships.
When it comes to relationships, apparently I am a total dummy.
So I've decided to step back and analyze the facts. And I've come to a completely logical conclusion -
Men make me CRAZY.
I go from my normal, logical, happy self to wanting to KILL someone in seconds flat around them.
Seriously.
It's like that huge magnet thing that completely disrupts the polarity of anything it gets near.
Men are my magnet. They make me NUTS.
I can be completely unemotional, totally analytical, and amazing intelligent, and then one of them shows up and it all flies out the window.
I REFUSE TO LET THEM MAKE ME CRAZY ANYMORE.
Great goal huh? Any ideas on a strategy that gets me there?
The truth is, though, I LIKE being levelheaded and calm and not all in emotional turmoil. It's waaaay easier.
So all these nutcases that come around me and make me crazy need to
GO AWAY!!!
And pretty smart. And logical.
For the most part, I think like a guy.
I analyze, look at the facts, and make decisions (usually) based on what makes the most logical sense.
Unless we are talking about relationships.
When it comes to relationships, apparently I am a total dummy.
So I've decided to step back and analyze the facts. And I've come to a completely logical conclusion -
Men make me CRAZY.
I go from my normal, logical, happy self to wanting to KILL someone in seconds flat around them.
Seriously.
It's like that huge magnet thing that completely disrupts the polarity of anything it gets near.
Men are my magnet. They make me NUTS.
I can be completely unemotional, totally analytical, and amazing intelligent, and then one of them shows up and it all flies out the window.
I REFUSE TO LET THEM MAKE ME CRAZY ANYMORE.
Great goal huh? Any ideas on a strategy that gets me there?
The truth is, though, I LIKE being levelheaded and calm and not all in emotional turmoil. It's waaaay easier.
So all these nutcases that come around me and make me crazy need to
GO AWAY!!!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I Suck At Relationships
Why, hello -
I have returned to the blogging world. I'm not dead. Or hurt. Or locked up. (All possibilites, knowing me.)
I'm laaazzy. Yep, it's true.
I get home from school, finish the LOADS of work I have to do for the next day, run a load of laundry, make dinner, get the boy in bed, and then I CRASH in the comfiness that is my temperpedic mattress topped bed and do NOTHING that requires brain cells.
Don't get me wrong - I love blogging. It's fun. It's happy.
I think it's kinda like every other relationship I have though.
Apparently, I suck at relationships.
Everyone tells me I don't contact them enough, pay enough attention, respond enough (or at all). Etc. Etc. Etc.
It's not that I don't care. I do. I really really do. I just have so many demands on my time and it gets overwhelming.
So I'm going to work on that - both in real life and my virtual blogging world.
I'm going to be more consistent. I'm going to try to suck less at relationships.
We shall see.
So, stay tuned for the better late than never blogs that include my birthday, my surprise visitor, and the latest crazy adventure that I've set out on!
But for now - it's bed time!
XOXO
I have returned to the blogging world. I'm not dead. Or hurt. Or locked up. (All possibilites, knowing me.)
I'm laaazzy. Yep, it's true.
I get home from school, finish the LOADS of work I have to do for the next day, run a load of laundry, make dinner, get the boy in bed, and then I CRASH in the comfiness that is my temperpedic mattress topped bed and do NOTHING that requires brain cells.
Don't get me wrong - I love blogging. It's fun. It's happy.
I think it's kinda like every other relationship I have though.
Apparently, I suck at relationships.
Everyone tells me I don't contact them enough, pay enough attention, respond enough (or at all). Etc. Etc. Etc.
It's not that I don't care. I do. I really really do. I just have so many demands on my time and it gets overwhelming.
So I'm going to work on that - both in real life and my virtual blogging world.
I'm going to be more consistent. I'm going to try to suck less at relationships.
We shall see.
So, stay tuned for the better late than never blogs that include my birthday, my surprise visitor, and the latest crazy adventure that I've set out on!
But for now - it's bed time!
XOXO
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Authentic Relationships
I'm so missing those people in my life who accept me exactly as I am. With all my mistakes and issues and quirks. The people who truly know me, and love me anyways.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly be guarded, and keeping everything at an arms length to keep myself safe. I so miss those people who I can just be myself around. The ones who have known me for years. The ones who understand me, who get me.
I don't have those people here. And I so wish I did. I miss having my friends to just talk to, relate with, and do life with. It's hard doing things alone.
And I had NO idea how hard it can be to find true friends. I guess that's because the true friends I have are the people who have been in my life for years, since I was a kid. As children, we simply were who we were. Open to ideas and possibilities and things that were different than us. We each simply were who we were, without pretense or understanding that our innate personalities needed to be changed. This made it easy for kids to connect and get to know each other, and true friendships were formed.
Now, as adults we all have to work so hard to be the "perfect" whatever - mom, wife, employee, etc. Instead of being real with people, we have to make sure we project the image we want everyone to see. We create idealized versions of ourselves that have very little bearing in reality. That lack of authenticity makes true relationships nearly impossible.
I want to be real. And authentic. And get to know other people who are the same way. I want lasting friendships with true friends.
I guess that's a process though. So for now, I am SO incredibly grateful to be heading home for Christmas to the people who really know and love me.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly be guarded, and keeping everything at an arms length to keep myself safe. I so miss those people who I can just be myself around. The ones who have known me for years. The ones who understand me, who get me.
I don't have those people here. And I so wish I did. I miss having my friends to just talk to, relate with, and do life with. It's hard doing things alone.
And I had NO idea how hard it can be to find true friends. I guess that's because the true friends I have are the people who have been in my life for years, since I was a kid. As children, we simply were who we were. Open to ideas and possibilities and things that were different than us. We each simply were who we were, without pretense or understanding that our innate personalities needed to be changed. This made it easy for kids to connect and get to know each other, and true friendships were formed.
Now, as adults we all have to work so hard to be the "perfect" whatever - mom, wife, employee, etc. Instead of being real with people, we have to make sure we project the image we want everyone to see. We create idealized versions of ourselves that have very little bearing in reality. That lack of authenticity makes true relationships nearly impossible.
I want to be real. And authentic. And get to know other people who are the same way. I want lasting friendships with true friends.
I guess that's a process though. So for now, I am SO incredibly grateful to be heading home for Christmas to the people who really know and love me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
No Man Can Ever Love You Like Jesus...
"No Man Can Ever Love You Like Jesus"
Those were the most profound words I have heard in a while. So simple, but so true. Those were the words that Pastor Ryan spoke today. After an entire sermon about "What Women Want".
As a woman, I long for intimacy and connection and security. I want to feel that connection on a verbal, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. I have spent SO much time looking for a man who could be ALL of those things. Who could give me all of those connections all the time.
WHEW.
Can you imagine trying to be all those things for one person? To be their "everything"? To be their sole source of intimacy and connection and security? That would be exhausting. Yet it's what I've expected.
And every man has failed. Shocking.
A man can't be my Jesus? Really? LOL. Of course not. I've just tried to make him that. And then been hurt and angry and disappointed when he has inevitably failed.
No man can fill those holes in my heart. No man can give me complete and total intimacy and security. No man can love me the way I long to be loved. Only Jesus.
If I search for Him to fill my heart and soul, then the rest will fall into place. I will no longer hold men to a standard that they can't possibly meet. Even the good ones. Even the ones who think they can.
It's about just letting go and letting God. And in that, there is perfect love. Perfect security. Perfect trust. And all I have to do is simply accept that. Today and always. And it will be enough.
Those were the most profound words I have heard in a while. So simple, but so true. Those were the words that Pastor Ryan spoke today. After an entire sermon about "What Women Want".
As a woman, I long for intimacy and connection and security. I want to feel that connection on a verbal, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. I have spent SO much time looking for a man who could be ALL of those things. Who could give me all of those connections all the time.
WHEW.
Can you imagine trying to be all those things for one person? To be their "everything"? To be their sole source of intimacy and connection and security? That would be exhausting. Yet it's what I've expected.
And every man has failed. Shocking.
A man can't be my Jesus? Really? LOL. Of course not. I've just tried to make him that. And then been hurt and angry and disappointed when he has inevitably failed.
No man can fill those holes in my heart. No man can give me complete and total intimacy and security. No man can love me the way I long to be loved. Only Jesus.
If I search for Him to fill my heart and soul, then the rest will fall into place. I will no longer hold men to a standard that they can't possibly meet. Even the good ones. Even the ones who think they can.
It's about just letting go and letting God. And in that, there is perfect love. Perfect security. Perfect trust. And all I have to do is simply accept that. Today and always. And it will be enough.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Endings Are Sad...
I've been fighting writing this one... I've known I needed to since way before I started a blog. In order to embark on a new beginning, there must first be an end. But the goodbye is the difficult part. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...
I have had many endings in my life. I've ended relationships, ended school, ended a marriage, ended a life in Colorado... My most painful ending thus far in my life has been the end of the first and only true love that I've ever known.
6 months ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was engaged to the man I wanted to spend my life with. For the first time, I had wholly and completely given my heart away. For years I believed that I was incapable of loving someone with everything that I am. Jon showed me that it is possible, and wonderful, and scary, and worth it every minute.
5 months ago, my life fell apart. I honestly believed it was over. The day that Jon left, I felt my entire existence go with him. I never thought that I would love someone enough that I would go with them. Not just a piece of me, but ME. Every dream, every hope, every part of what I thought made me the person that I am.
I begged Jon to come back. I begged God to make him. I cried myself to sleep every single night for months. I tried to get him back. Then I tried to replace him with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other men. And then, slowly...very slowly... I started to let go. I stopped saying "please" to God, and started saying "thank you".
I am learning gratitude. I am learning to be thankful for every moment I had with Jon. I'm learning to appreciate that he taught me how to love someone so fully and completely. Until I met Jon, I was so broken. He helped me to heal. He helped me to see that who I was isn't who I always have to be. He saw a better person than I was. And even when I proved him wrong by showing him the worst possible version of myself, he still believed. I'm thankful everyday that I was privelaged to love a man who loved me so much. I'm grateful for the time I spent in his arms, because for the first time in my life, I felt contentment, and grace, and true love. I thank God that when I saw my reflection in Jon's eyes, for the first time in my entire life, I saw a woman that was enough. A woman that was whole, and happy, and beautiful. I truly believe that God allowed Jon to come into my life to show me his own love for me. And he allowed him to leave my life as well. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...
So now the challenge has become not only to say goodbye, but to allow God to wrap me in HIS arms, and give me the peace and comfort and wholeness that I found when I was in Jon's. I made Jon my savior. I made him my everything. And I understand now that no human can meet those expectations. I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for him, because in my eyes he was my jesus.
I have to remind myself daily that God's perfect plan for me is not the same as my heart's desire. My heavenly Father longs to give me the desires of my heart, but I must learn to trust him and allow him to mold those desires into his will. I can give him my tears, and my hurts, and my broken heart. I know that he, in his own perfect timing, will take the pain. Because I've run from it for too long. And no matter how fast I run, pain can always run faster.
This ending still hurts. I still miss him, every single day. But I'm so thankful that my heart has been opened to love and I've had the opportunity to experience it. I'm also thankful for a Father that is bigger than my hurts. I've learned how to love. I've also learned to be loved, without condition and pretense. And now, I simply have to complete the goodbye. Until I let him go, I will never be free... fortunately I have a patient Father who is gently nudging, and slowly helping me to losen my grasp.
Beginnings are hard...Endings are usually sad... but it's the middle that counts the most.
I have had many endings in my life. I've ended relationships, ended school, ended a marriage, ended a life in Colorado... My most painful ending thus far in my life has been the end of the first and only true love that I've ever known.
6 months ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was engaged to the man I wanted to spend my life with. For the first time, I had wholly and completely given my heart away. For years I believed that I was incapable of loving someone with everything that I am. Jon showed me that it is possible, and wonderful, and scary, and worth it every minute.
5 months ago, my life fell apart. I honestly believed it was over. The day that Jon left, I felt my entire existence go with him. I never thought that I would love someone enough that I would go with them. Not just a piece of me, but ME. Every dream, every hope, every part of what I thought made me the person that I am.
I begged Jon to come back. I begged God to make him. I cried myself to sleep every single night for months. I tried to get him back. Then I tried to replace him with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other men. And then, slowly...very slowly... I started to let go. I stopped saying "please" to God, and started saying "thank you".
I am learning gratitude. I am learning to be thankful for every moment I had with Jon. I'm learning to appreciate that he taught me how to love someone so fully and completely. Until I met Jon, I was so broken. He helped me to heal. He helped me to see that who I was isn't who I always have to be. He saw a better person than I was. And even when I proved him wrong by showing him the worst possible version of myself, he still believed. I'm thankful everyday that I was privelaged to love a man who loved me so much. I'm grateful for the time I spent in his arms, because for the first time in my life, I felt contentment, and grace, and true love. I thank God that when I saw my reflection in Jon's eyes, for the first time in my entire life, I saw a woman that was enough. A woman that was whole, and happy, and beautiful. I truly believe that God allowed Jon to come into my life to show me his own love for me. And he allowed him to leave my life as well. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...
So now the challenge has become not only to say goodbye, but to allow God to wrap me in HIS arms, and give me the peace and comfort and wholeness that I found when I was in Jon's. I made Jon my savior. I made him my everything. And I understand now that no human can meet those expectations. I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for him, because in my eyes he was my jesus.
I have to remind myself daily that God's perfect plan for me is not the same as my heart's desire. My heavenly Father longs to give me the desires of my heart, but I must learn to trust him and allow him to mold those desires into his will. I can give him my tears, and my hurts, and my broken heart. I know that he, in his own perfect timing, will take the pain. Because I've run from it for too long. And no matter how fast I run, pain can always run faster.
This ending still hurts. I still miss him, every single day. But I'm so thankful that my heart has been opened to love and I've had the opportunity to experience it. I'm also thankful for a Father that is bigger than my hurts. I've learned how to love. I've also learned to be loved, without condition and pretense. And now, I simply have to complete the goodbye. Until I let him go, I will never be free... fortunately I have a patient Father who is gently nudging, and slowly helping me to losen my grasp.
Beginnings are hard...Endings are usually sad... but it's the middle that counts the most.
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