Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Temper Tantrum Tuesday

WARNING - Do NOT read this blog unless you are prepared to listen to a full out temper tantrum. I promise that as soon as I'm done writing this, I will go directly to time out to collect myself. But for this moment, it's full emotional meltdown. Consider yourself warned.

WTF God?!? Seriously. That's exactly where I'm at right now. I'm out of patience, out of ideas, and frankly, out of "give a shit".

I'm stressed. Tired. Frustrated. On a permanent PMS trip. Annoyed. Irritated. And done.

I've HAD it with my kids. With the disrespect. With the backtalk. With the defiance. With doing it ALONE. You know, last time I checked, I didn't create these 2 boys by myself. Yet, amazingly, I'm raising them completely on my own. So that brings me to the question -

Where the FUCK are their fathers, and WHY aren't they helping?!?!

Oh that's right... because they are losers, deadbeats, and worthless excuses for human beings who have never taken reponsibility for anything a day in their lives. Pathetic.

I am sick of being the only responsible one. Of doing everything all the time. Of never getting to do what I want because I'm the only one here to do what my boys need. I'm tired of all responsibility and no freedom.

I am tired of working 50 hours a week with a boss who drives me INSANE just to make ends meet. Of constantly sacrificing and going without so that they can have what they want. Oh, and the next time I spend 3 hours at Chuck E Cheese and then immediately afterwards get told by my 5 year old "You never do anything for us" I SWEAR I am going to slap someone.

I am so completely tired of nothing I do ever being good enough. Especially for my family. I am 25 years old. At what point do they stop judging and start accepting?

Oh yea, probably never. Hasn't happened yet. Graduating as valedictorian didn't do it. Getting my college degree while raising 2 boys and bartending at night didn't do it. Moving 1000 miles from home to get away from an abusive relationship and becoming competely self sufficient didn't do it.

So, just out of curiousity, what the FUCK will?!?

All I'm looking for here is a little direction. A little help. A little encouragement. And a little bit of a break.

They say that God will meet you where you are. Well, HERE I AM. And guess what? God isn't showing up. At least not in any tangible way that gives me any clue where he is or what I'm supposed to do.

I know that there is a God. I also know that he is big enough to handle my anger. And trust me, I'm angry. Seriously pissed off. So I hope he's ready to take it.

I'm tired of being alone. Tired of being single. Tired of raising kids by myself. Tired of being exhausted all the time. Tired of putting my dreams on hold. Tired of waiting.

It's not fair. And I'm mad.

I know I'm being selfish. I know I'm being immature. And I know I'm being ridiculous. But I just needed to get it out.

So now I'm going to go directly to time out and pull myself together. And tomorrow will be another day. Hopefully a better one. And one without any temper tantrums - at least on my part.

1 comment:

  1. ok you just might become one of my favorite bloggers b/c of this post. WHY? B/c you are REAL. You say what you feel & are completely honest with God. No Holier-than-thou attitude or fake words. I love that!! & I am the same way. I've said some of the same words to God & He did nothing but love me & show me the way (in His time - not necessarily in mine). You are right, He IS big enough to handle our anger, no matter what!

    I am praying for you! The things you are going thru are not fair & it does suck! Anyone can see that! & we all throw our tantrums. I hope that you are encouraged soon!

    P.S. i wouldn't have even put myself in time out. :)