Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thankful Thursday

This is going to be a short one, because I am incredibly nauseous and really tired.

But I just had to take a minute to say how very thankful I am for my two precious little boys.

For their health, their resilience, their love, their personalities, their spirits, their rebellions, their good days and bad. I am so blessed to get to hold them in my arms every day and give them hugs and kisses, share their joys and hurts, and do my best to raise them to be confidant, strong young men. They challenge me, push me, and teach me - especially about love, commitment, and priorities. They have made me infinitely a better person, and I pray every day that I can teach them a little bit too along the way.

JC is my oldest. He  is now a 7 year old first grader. He is my philosopher. He thinks very deeply and is always concerned about the feelings of others. I love the way that he dissects things in his mind, and makes very astute observations. He is artistic and emotional and unconventional, and completely okay with that. He doesn't mind being a little bit different and doing things in his own ways. I admire those qualities, because it is so hard to not get sucked in by the pressure to follow the crowd. JC also has an amazing knowledge of and hunger for the Bible. He loves Jesus so much, and his little prayers warm my heart. He is the epitome of what it is to have "faith like a child". I need to be taking lessons from him. JC will grow up to be in a career field that helps people. A doctor. A missionary. A teacher. I'm so excited to see what is in store for him.

KK is my baby. Born as a premie, and he hasn't stopped being in a hurry and doing things his own way yet. This is my rough and tumble, cowboys and indians, All-American boy. He may be little, but his "I'll show you" attitude certainly makes up for his size. KK always has to learn the hard way and has absolutely no fear. (NO idea where he gets that) He has amazing athletic ability, and is also very advanced for his age in reading and math. He loves music, and lately has taken to stealing my ipod. He is all go ALL the time, so the few moments I get to snuggle with him, I cherish very much. I have no idea what he is going to end up doing later in life, but I'm sure it will be fast paced and dirty. Like a motocross rider or something. God help me.

I just wanted to say how much I adore my boys. I don't say it enough. Especially to them. I want to remember how fast time goes, and take the moments to appreciate their unique qualities and abilities and personalities. I am so blessed to have the privilege of raising them, and sometimes I forget that. I pray that I will remember how lucky I really am and not take a single moment for granted.

Now I'm going to sneak into each of their rooms, run my hand against their warm cheeks, and give them kisses while they dream...
Good night

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Temper Tantrum Tuesday

It always seems to be on Tuesdays that these things come about. Maybe it’s because I named it “Temper Tantrum Tuesdays” and therefore it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I should name them “Calm, Wonderful, Quick to fly by without any problems Tuesdays” and I’ll see better results. :)

However, this week I am not the one throwing temper tantrums. It’s everyone else that needs to be sent to time out. For a loooong time. Until they are ready to grow up, act maturely, stop bitching, and most of all leave me the hell out of it!

Who falls in this category? A sister, a child, a man (LOL, I seriously just laughed out loud on that - A man? Probably all men. But I’m referring to a specific one at this moment), a co-worker, a boss, and the jerk who I LET cut me off in traffic this morning and who didn’t give so much as a wave.

I’m not going to go into details on all of them, but I would like to touch on a few key points.
Namely, the sister. Let me preface this by saying this is the sister I don’t talk to. Ever. Normally I don’t share with the world why that is, but since this is MY blog and I’m completely honest in it, I think I will, if only to make the rest of this make sense…

We don’t talk because she slept with my guy. On Christmas Day. While I was asleep in the other room. Nice. And then she called me to bail him out of jail the next day. But that’s a whole different story.

The point here is that we aren’t exactly close. We see each other once a year at Christmas, and we get along well enough for that short time, but that is as deep as our relationship goes. That’s honestly as deep as I care for it to go with someone who has repeatedly acted in the ways she has.

So fast forward to 2 weeks ago… I get a random phone call from my sister. Which is odd. Because she never calls, unless of course she needs something, but that has gotten more rare since the answer is usually “no”. So I call her back and in the 2 minute discussion I find out that a) she is getting married March 7th (Yes, this March 7th- Less than a month from the time I get this news) and b) she demands that I be a bridesmaid because she doesn’t have a whole lot of other options since she acts the same ways in her other relationships as she does in ours. She didn’t say that last part, of course. She just said “You are a bridesmaid and we’re getting dresses from David’s Bridal”. That’s it.

So I decided to be the bigger person and refrain from all the comments floating through my head (none of which were nice – I’m working on that). Instead, I simply told her congratulations and I’d find a way to make it to the wedding. I then booked a flight, found someone to watch the boys, and made plans to take off work to be there for her wedding.

Fast forward a week. I get a text from my sister, saying that “we need to talk”. Ok. I assume it’s probably about dresses or shoes or god knows what wedding related. So I call her. The conversation goes like this-

SIS: ‘Hello?’
ME: ‘Hey, what’s up?’SIS: ‘I just wanted to talk to you and let you know that there are RULES for this wedding.’
ME: ‘Um, ok… like?’SIS: ‘Your ex is not allowed at MY wedding’.
ME: ‘HUH?!?’

*Note –at this point I am completely confused because for one we’ve been split up for over 2 years, and two I would never consider bringing a guy SHE slept with to her wedding. Might make for some awkward moments during the “you may now kiss the bride” speech, plus I’d prefer she not sleep with him again, so keeping them apart it definitely preferential.

SIS: ‘He is not allowed at the reception. Or the ceremony. Or in the car in the parking lot. Or anywhere near my wedding. I will not have my special day ruined because of him…’ And blah, blah, blah, and on and on and on…
ME: ‘Why would you even think I would bring him to your wedding? I’m not completely stupid, sister.’SIS: ‘Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah’ and on and on and on about how she’ll have restraining orders put out and all sorts of craziness.
ME: ‘K. Whatever. Got it.’SIS: Ok, honestly I can’t remember what she said specifically at this point because it was all running together about how she refused to let him anywhere near the wedding and she hated him and didn’t want her wedding ruined and on and on and on. I had had enough.
ME: ‘Yea, I probably wouldn’t want a guy I fucked at my wedding either’

*Note – Yes, I realize that wasn’t very nice. But really, enough is enough. It’s not like I had RSVPed him to come to the wedding with me, or even hinted in any way that I was going to invite him. I even acknowledged what she said and tried to just let it go at that. But she just. Kept. Pushing.


SIS: ‘That was highly uncalled for, and if you make another comment like that I’m going to have you removed from the wedding party’.
ME: ‘Sister, I didn’t even get asked to be in your wedding. I got told. ‘SIS: ‘So you don’t want to be in my wedding?’
ME: ‘Honestly, sister, I think it would be best if you ask someone that you talk to more than once a year. I’m more than willing to come to the wedding, and be there to help if you need something, and be a part of your day, but I’m just not sure it’s the best idea for anyone for me to be in it’

What happened next was some combination of her yelling and crying and hanging up on me. Followed by a ridiculous phone call from her fiancĂ© stating that since he was paying for the wedding, that everyone had to follow his rules, and I was uninvited to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and would only be allowed at the wedding if I apologized and how I’m the worst sister in the world for making my sister feel that way.

Notes –
A) These 2 have the most volatile relationship I’ve ever seen. They’ve both gone to jail for domestic violence on one another, there are been restraining orders put out, he has left her in a city 200 miles from home, and I can’t even count the number of times she would call me sobbing on one line while he called me screaming and calling her a psychotic lunatic on the other.

B) My sister isn’t exactly known for telling the truth, so I can only imagine the story she fed him to piss him off to that extent. I’m pretty sure she failed to mention the whole Christmas Day with my ex part. Just guessing.

C) They are really stuck on this rules thing. Married life should be interesting for them.

Anyway, my sister has proceeded to give everyone a very unpleasant version of those events to family and friends and pretty much anyone else who will listen. It’s ridiculous. So far, I’ve chosen to just let people think what they want instead of explaining myself because I really don’t think it’s any of their business and I don’t want to out my sister as a whore 2 weeks before her wedding. That seems a little tacky. But really, I’ve had just about enough.

Am I wrong? Should I have just sucked it up and been in her wedding? What would you do?

*Final Note – My family has no idea I have this blog, so I am free to write as I please. And no one who will be at her wedding knows either. So I’m not “outing” her on here, just for the record.

PS- That fact that I just felt the need to defend myself in that "Final Note" tells me that this is really getting to me. UGH.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Not Me Monday

Ever thrown everything in a closet just as the doorbell rang in order to present a clean house to guests? Or let laundry pile so high that you need a forklift to move it? For those of us who would never do these things, MckMama has created Not Me Monday. Read mine, and then jump over to her blog to enjoy other "Not Me's"! Happy Reading...

It is not me who is currently writing a blog instead of completing my entrance essays for the University of Texas. I would never procrastinate on something that is so important to my future. And it's certainly not me who is thinking "I can do them this weekend", knowing that they have to be turned in by March 1st, which is Monday. That leaves lots of time for editing and revising, especially since it's so crucial that it's perfect. Nice.

It is also not me who has been ridiculously sick for a week now, but who refuses to stay home from work because I just can't afford it. You have to love not getting PTO until after a YEAR of working for the company. So instead I get to drag my super sick butt to work everyday and be incredibly non-productive for a week at a time, when one day of total rest and recuperation could probably fix the issue and I'd be back to normal. Gotta love corporate America.

Finally, it is certainly not me who left the boys with a babysitter for a couple hours to go shoot my gun at the indoor shooting range. It's also not me who is an ah-maz-ing shot. Burglars and crazy exes beware :) Just sayin'... Although my ears are still ringing, and my hand is still bleeding from the gun shots. Totally worth it!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thankful Thursdays...

I've been slacking... I know... Life is CRAZY. But here it is - my short list of what I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for...

... caffeine. Especially of the Starbucks variety. I'm not sure if it's the triple shot of expresso, the caramelly deliciousness, or just the fact that I know it should wake me up that gives me the adrenaline jolt I crave so strongly. But I heart it. A lot.

... lift kits and sexy wheels. I KNOW that's shallow, but I'm super excited about how dang good my truck is going to look after this weekend. *I'll post pictures* If I have to drive an hour to work and an hour home everyday, I might as well be doing it in a vehicle I love to drive, right? Just don't ask about gas mileage. It's not pretty.

... creativity. I have none. No joke. But I do get to benefit from the creativity of others. Gorgeous artwork, beautiful music, fun little projects that add life and character to my home and my world. You have to appreciate it when people put a piece of themselves out into the world to be judged and critiqued and enjoyed.

... self-help programs. Like the one I'm currently doing. Gasp. I know. Me? Yep. I realize that I am eternally screwed up and would like to do something about it so that a) I can live a happier and more productive life and b) I don't pass on all my crap to my boys. Life is hard enough. I'd like to give them the best chance possible. So I am thankful for a place where I can go and sort through things without being judged. -More on this later -

... Chick Fil A. I can't help it. It's SO yummy. Especially the original chicken sandwich with extra pickles. Covered it honey and hot sauce. OH so good. And no, I'm not pregnant.

What are you thankful for today?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Not Me Monday!

For all of us who DON'T do things that are silly, embarrassing, irresponsible, or just plain ridiculous, MckMama has created Not Me Monday. Read mine, and then jump over to MckMama's blog to enjoy more things that we as women would NEVER do :)

I did NOT buy cupcakes from the store for my son's Valentine's Day party at daycare. I would NEVER pass up the opportunity to spend quality mother/son time baking and decorating cupcakes for hours just to have a clean kitchen and a decent's night sleep.

I also did NOT seriously consider taking the day off today, in the name of mental health. I would never fathom creating a tale to my boss about a sick child or non-working vehicle in order to avoid another 10 hour day of insanity and get a little R&R. Or worse, I would NEVER tell him what I really think - If it's good enough for the schools and banks to be closed, it should CERTAINLY be good enough for our little 30 person distribution operation to have a day off. What can I say? He's French. Apparently President's Day doesn't count!

Finally, I did NOT get home today to find my garage door up, and then proceed to stalk through my house with a loaded gun Mission Impossible style to make sure that no one was hiding in a closet or shower. I've known for a few days that someone in my neighborhood likely has their garage door coded the same as mine, so mine opens when their's does. And of course that stopped me from creeping through the house with my finger on the trigger of a 40 cal gun that I probably have no business owning anyway, hoping I didn't actually run into someone because I have NO idea what I would've done next. Shot them? Not likely. Dropped the gun and ended up shooting myself? Probably. But the theme music in my head and adrenaline pumping through my veins was pretty great :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

White Flag

That's it. I'm done. Putting up the white flag. Throwing in the towel.

I give up.

After spending the last 15 years of my life trying desperately to connect with my family, to build relationship, to feel loved and accepted, I have finally realized something -

It's not going to happen.

No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do. No matter how badly I want it.

It's simply not going to happen. Ever.

We will never be the family that enjoys closeness and sharing and understanding. We will never be the family that picks each other up when we fall and encourages each other to follow our dreams.

Our entire household was always built on guilt and shame and making others feel so bad that they did what you wanted, or at least quit fighting for what they wanted.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. It's too exhausting. It's too painful.

It's emotionally unhealthy for me to keep trying. It really is. Being around my family makes me crazy. Seriously insane. And I hate it. It is a toxic relationship, and one that I have to get out of before I go down with the ship.

I love my parents. I love my sisters. Very much. But we have never had a bond or a closeness that families have. We have never been able to depend on one another. We've never been able to help each other pursue our dreams. Our relationships are based on conditional love and guilting others into giving them what they want. It's about constant rememberances of past failures and future grievances. It's about making the other person feel bad enough that they give in or give up.

Yet, I still feel guilty for walking away. The same guilt and shame that has been instilled in me since I was a young child is still there. I feel like I'm abandoning them. Not to mention that I'm terrified of being alone. Without my family I am - alone.

But that HAS to be better than living in a world where nothing I do will ever be good enough. It has to be an improvement over being constantly judged by people who are impossible to please. To feel like a failure because you can't live up to some unnamed expectations from the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. I assure you, the love is very conditional. I just haven't for the life of me been able to figure out what the conditions are. God knows I've tried.

So it's time to let go. It's time to stop being party to this insanity. It's time to say "Enough is enough".

I'm not talking about a family who simply can't get along from time to time. I'm talking about a family with serious deep seeded issues that have destroyed us as individuals as well as a unit - but that we managed to hide so well that often we could even convince ourselves of the lies.

I just can't do it anymore. I will never be healthy or sane while trying to live this way.

So, I quit.

They win.

I am walking away. Alone. On a journey to a life free of the guilt and shame and judgement I know so well.

I know there is more to life than this. And I hope someday, they will too.

I am...

...Applying to the University of Texas. I want to be a Longhorn.

If things go the way I hope, I'll start in June.

Wish me luck. Getting accepted is nearly IMPOSSIBLE.

But if everything goes my way...

Law School, HERE I COME!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Seriously Messed Up World We Live In...

Only in America is it possible for a woman to become a babymaking factory and then profit off of it. It is absolutely ridiculous that people can make babies, get on welfare, get PAID for those babies, and then sit at home with their rent paid, food on their table, and full access to free medical care while those of us who choose to be productive members of society get to struggle to pay bills, take care of kids, and make ends meet.

I don't see anyone rushing to MY rescue when the monthly bills outweigh my income. No one brings me a free meal when money is tight. I can't take my kids to any doctor I please whenever they have the sniffles because the state will pick up the tab. It is STUPID that those people who CHOOSE to leech off of the government and the taxpayers have it easier than those of us who get up and work our asses off every day.

I'm a single mom with 2 kids. I don't get child support. I had my oldest son when I was 18 years old. I was a "juvenile delinquent" (I use that term very loosely, all things considered, but I did spend over 2 years in the system, so it applies) and a "ward of the state".

I could EASILY choose to let the government educate, feed, clothe, house, and care for my children while I kick back and do NOTHING. That would be easier than getting up at 5 A.M. everyday, getting my kids dressed and off to daycare so that I can work 10-12 hours, then pick up my boys, come home, and begin my other full time job of being a mother, cook, maid, tutor, dishwasher, laundry service, chauffeur, nurse, and many other random jobs. I have to make choices, sometimes difficult ones, about what we can and can't afford. What we will and won't have. Sometimes we do without. Period. It's the way it is.

My boys don't have health insurance. It's simply too expensive. After rent, clothes, food, and daycare are paid, there simply isn't enough left over for the $216 a week it would cost for medical coverage.

I do the best I can with what I have. So do THOUSANDS, or tens of thousands, of other people. I am by no means the only one. And I don't feel sorry for myself. In fact, I am PROUD of what I've accomplished. I am proud to say that I have done it on my own. That I'm not just another poor single parent on welfare.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. And that doesn't mean I don't work my ASS off for it everyday. And that also doesn't mean that it doesn't really piss me off that there are so many lazy, incompetent, unwilling people who live off the system. If I can do it, so can they.

So why the hell do they get a guaranteed roof over their head, food on their plates, and unlimited medical care for doing NOTHING?! Why are they rewarded for popping out children and then being unable (or OFTEN unwilling) to take care of them? Why do MY babies have to go without insurance and brand name shoes, while their kids get those things handed to them? Welfare kids are often better educated, better clothed, better fed, and definitely get better medical care than the children of hardworking middle class Americans.

Middle class America. It's beautiful really.

The solution seems to be a) get rich and be able to provide those things for yourself or b) give it all up - quit your job, rack up your credit cards, buy everything you want, pop out a bunch of kids, and then apply for welfare.

Because being in the middle SUCKS.