Wednesday, June 29, 2011

30 Days of Detail - Day 3 - Your Parents

Ha. Ha. Ha.

This could be dangerous.

I have a seriously insane love/hate relationship with my parents.

If you dig too deeply into it, it gets veerrrry complicated veerrrry quickly.

So we shall see how deep this gets.

My parents have been married for 30 years (if you don't count the year they split, but that would already be going below the surface...back up). They met at the bar at a Friday's restaurant, and got married exactly one year after their first date. They had me 3 years later, followed by my 2 little sisters, who are 2 1/2 and 5 years younger than me.

My mom is (was) a nurse. She still is, but didn't work when we were little and I don't think has worked at all in the last few years. She is also a Godperson. Like, ultimate Godperson. She is at church at least 4 times a week, directing services, hosting bible studies, and doing God knows (literally, haha) what else. She spends the majority of her time doing that. She is also an AMAZING cook and a doting grandma. She loves the mountains and camping and being around people.

My dad is an Electrical Engineer. He graduated from Colorado State University and has worked for the same company for something like 40 years. Last I checked, he is now Vice-President of something or other important, and is planning to retire in February. He likes football, baseball, poker, golf, his motorcycle, and cruises. He is also great at working on cars, and fixing most things. He's incredibly smart and motivated, and I've always respected his brilliant mind and analytical thinking.

Currently, we get along fairly well. But that is based on 2 main premises:

1) They don't know any of the details of my life. What I do, who I hang out with, if I'm dating. I talk to them roughly once every couple of weeks, but I keep it high level, and don't fill them in on the deep or complicated or hard things. It just doesn't work when I do.

2) I live 1500 miles away. Thank.God. This is probably the saving grace, honestly. Do I miss them? Of course. But any time we are in the same 100 mile radius for more than 72 hours, it ALWAYS ends badly. We argue. They nag. I get pissed and usually end up feeling like I'm 14 years old again. My dad starts in on one of his "I'm disappointed in your life choices" rants. My mom reminds me that I have managed to "destroy every dream she's ever had for me". (Yes, those are both direct quotes) They end up making me crazy. And it ends badly for everyone.

The issues that my parents have go far beyond what I am willing or able to put here for the world to see. But we had a pretty messed up relationship for a long time. The short version is basically that my dad had ridiculously high expectations that I would NEVER be able to meet, and my mom was seriously damaged from her own past and trying to keep me from making her mistakes. Couple that with anger issues, alcohol, and trying to persuade the world that we were the perfect family, and it was a recipe for disaster.

Granted, I had my own issues. I was too smart for my own good, fiercely independent, looking for love in all the wrong places, and unstable a good portion of the time.

When you mix all that together, you get a disaster. It was actually my parents that pushed to have me locked up. Not once, but twice. I was "too much to handle". No, I wasn't drinking or doing drugs or stealing cars, or anything else. I was dating someone they didn't like and staying out too late. So the only option was to send me away. (Again, this is a whole long story, but at its core, if they had not specifically requested the DA lock me up, I wouldn't have been).

Clearly, I haven't forgiven them for this. Honestly, we have never even talked about it. And more than likely never will.

I get that they tried. I do. And I know I was difficult. So I guess at some point you just have to let the bad go and appreciate the good pieces you do have.

So that's what I do.

That, and I hold tight to my 72 Hour Rule.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

30 Days of Detail - Day 2 - Your First Love

Well, it's not a secret that I don't believe in love.

No, I'm not bitter. I'm not heartbroken. I'm not cynical.

I'm just realistic.

So, on that happy note, instead I'm going to write about the first boy I thought I loved.

His name was Andrew Phillip Crane. I used to be able to tell you his exact age, birthday, and the number of days older than me he was - but that was a long time ago. He was roughly 3 1/2 years my senior, with brown hair, dark eyes, and glasses. He was ridiculously smart, motivated, and selfless. He was a 4.0 student, a bookworm, and drove an old beat up Pinto. He was very much NOT my type. (It's funny to me that I had a type at 14, but he was most definitely not it). He was passionate and funny and strong and pretty much just amazing.

He was a devout Christian - not in the "I read the Bible and show up at church" way, but in the seriously committed to Christ way. 

That's actually where we met... at church.

We were in the same youth group. We'd actually attended the same church for years, but he was part of the "churchy" group and I, well, wasn't, so our paths had never really crossed.

Until one of his best friends played with my heart and left me a) devasted and b) looking like a whore in front of the entire church. (This is a story for another day, trust me)

He was one of the few who didn't jump on the 'let's hate Bri' bandwagon, and was actually concerned for how I felt. We became friends, and over the course of the next few months, including a youth mission trip to Arizona, I was pretty convinced that I was in love.

Apparently, somewhere along the line, he felt the same.

We never dated. We never kissed. Not once.

Not because I didn't want to - because trust me, I did - but because he didn't believe in it. He was one of those "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" guys who believed in the ideas of courtship and dating leading to marriage and a lot of other things. At the time, I didn't understand it at all - I just wanted him to kiss me and love me and be my boyfriend. I was 15 and convinced I was going to marry this boy.

And we talked about it. Yes, although we never dated, we discussed marriage - a lot. His favorite words for it were "the autumn side of forever".

We spent hours on the phone every week, spent large amounts of time together, and even said "I love you". But he still wouldn't date me. He wouldn't date at all.

We would take early morning hikes up to Horsetooth and watch the sunrise together. We had our own special spot up there. We would sit and talk for hours about everything. He was the smartest person that I knew. He was a challenge, and I couldn't seem to find the key to making him mine.

So, I decided to make Andy jealous. I would bring other boys with me to church. I would have numerous boyfriends hanging around, clamoring for my attention, and making me feel special. The idea was to make him realize what he was missing, but it never seemed to work out that way. He would simply tell me he cared about my heart, and hoped that I did too. I never saw anger from him - only sadness for the flippant ways I was acting.

A year passed, and my parents decided to move an hour away... I thought that was it for Andy and I. But we still talked constantly, saw each other whenever possible, and discussed the ideas of forever. He wanted me to be patient, to wait, to grow up a little - but I wouldn't.

I dated other guys. I found one I thought I really liked. And I slept with him.

I told Andy about it the next day. (I put that boy through a lot, but the one thing I never did was lie to him - I guess I thought I at least owed him the truth) He was clearly hurt, but mostly concerned for me. He said he still loved me, and wanted me to be happy. Wow.

It was the relationship with that particular guy that set into motion all the really bad things that happened from there - running away with truckers, going to jail, and ending up locked up for the better part of 2 years.

During those 2 years, Andy wrote to me at LEAST 2 times a week. Letters full of love, compassion, understanding, and hope. Letters about God and love and philosophy and dreams and ideas and wishes. Letters that I was allowed to read, but not respond to.  So he wrote me without ever getting a letter in return.

I lived for those letters, and the few brief visits that we got when I was home on visits.

In fact, during one visit, he was leaving for Marine boot camp the next day. He drove all the way up to my house (an hour north) just to say goodbye, and stayed with me all night talking until he had to leave to make the 2 hour drive to Denver to make his flight.

When I was finally released from lockup, I was just shy of 18. He was 21 and in college. And still very much "in love" with me. But things had changed. I had changed. Jail will do that to you.

I will never ever forget the day I met him at a park because I had something I had to tell him.

"I'm pregnant"

He cried. The light in his eyes went out that day. I knew that I had probably just lost him forever. And of course I regretted that, but clearly not enough that I had chosen to wait for him.

We went to Prom together my senior year. I was 3 months pregnant. We had an amazing time, and watched the sunrise the next morning together. That was when he told me he had started dating someone - for the first time ever. Her name was Laura.

Over the next year we drifted apart. We still talked often, but I had a new baby and a new boyfriend, and he was finishing college and starting his career. And yes, he was still dating the same girl (who hated me, by the way).

When I got engaged, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. So instead, I sent a wedding invitation to his family. And he came.

He cornered me at my wedding, looked me in the eyes, and told me that all he ever cared about was my heart, and that he wanted me to be happy. I assured him that I was.

A month passed, and he called me to wish me a Happy Birthday. It was the first time we had spoken since my wedding. We talked for a few minutes, and then he once again asked me if I was sure about my decision and if I was truly happy. And again, I told that I was. He acted very strange as we hung up.

I found out a few days after that later that same afternoon (yes, on my birthday) he took his girlfriend up to Horsetooth Rock, to our spot, and proposed to her.

He refused to talk to me about the pending marriage. We still talked on the phone a couple times a week about anything and everything, but that one subject was completely off limits.

I thought that I would at least receive a wedding invitation, but I found out his fiance had demanded that I not be invited.

On the day before his wedding, he called me. He seemed so conflicted and worried. It was the first time that he talked about his upcoming marriage with me at all. He said he had started down this path and had no choice but to follow through. I told him that if it wasn't what he wanted, that he shouldn't get married. His only response to me was 'We both knew when we started down this path that it would end one of two ways - either you would walk with me to the autumn side of forever, or we would eventually go our own ways'. I told him it didn't have to be like that, that we would always be friends.

The next day, his wedding day, I decided I needed to just get away from everything and clear my head, so I spent the day in the mountains with my family. When I returned home that evening, I had an e-mail from Andy, written just minutes before he was supposed to get married. It was a goodbye. And a last 'I love you'. He told me that he had committed to what he was about to do, and would do it 100%. But that he would always have a place in his heart for me.

That was the last time I heard from him. That was 7 years ago.

I saw him once, at a store, with his wife. But she recognized me and dragged him away before I could really even say hello. Not that I'm entirely sure he would have spoken to me anyway.

Mutual friends of ours have told me he is an entirely different person now. That he works all the time. That he doesn't smile much. That he really won't even spend time with them at all.

That's not the person I knew at all. I knew a passionate, strong, amazing person. A man full of life. A man with more character than anyone else I've ever known. Ever. A man who made me feel like more than just my body mattered. That my heart mattered.

I've made a LOT of mistakes in my life... I've done a lot that I would love to take back.

But if I could only take back one of them, it would be hurting him the way that I did. I put that boy through absolute hell for 5 years. I gave him front row seats to watch me jump from one unfulfilling relationship to another, and then threw it in his face. I tried to show him what he was missing - when in reality I was the one who was lost and completely missing the point.

But it's not about me. My point isn't that I wish I could have saved us and lived happily ever after. I was never ever worthy of him. Ever. He was a better person than I could ever hope to be.

I just wish that I could take back the pain I caused him. The hundreds of time I broke his heart. The things I did to him that took away that spirit and passion and intensity that he had.

Because I "loved" him so much, and still destroyed him.

If a person can do that to the person they "love", then there is no way that love can really exist.

I just wish I hadn't used him to learn that lesson.

Not Diggin' The Sheep Thing...

I really miss those people I can count on in my life. You know, the ones you can call at 3 A.M. and they will be at your house in 15 minutes?

Don't get me wrong... I still have those people, they are just, you know, 1500 miles away.

Kinda a pain in the ass on days like today. Thank God for technology.

I've learned that most people are sheep. They will blindly follow wherever they are led, without the ability (or desire, apparently) to think for themselves and do what they really want. Instead, they let someone else decide what is good, bad, right, and wrong. They let other people make their choices, and they just mechanically follow.


My friends, however, are very unlike this. They are willful, independent, strong, confident, amazing people. They have vision. They have talent. They have heart. They are real and authentic.

That's not to say we never have issues. We disagree, and we get over it. They live their lives, I live mine. We don't always see eye to eye, but we always have each others' backs.

Those are the people I want and need in my life. Those are the fantastic people I am privileged to call my friends. Those are the people who matter.

And the rest? They.just.don't.

Most people will come and go.

And that's okay.

They enter your life for a reason or a season, and then they are gone.

My friends, however, aren't most people. :)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who Wants To Pay Full Price?

Not me!

One thing I was told growing up is "Blonde hair and Big Boobs ensure you never pay full price for anything!" (Haha, healthy, I know.)

Well that has proven to be mostly true, there is another way to get good deals than acting like a dumb blonde.

It's called Buy With Me.

It's like Groupon, basically. It's customized to your city, and you get half off or better deals! Plus when you get other people to  buy with you, you get yours for FREE.

I've gotten free movie tickets, $30 massages, half off really nice restaurants, etc. etc. etc.

I mean, you're going to do all those things anyway, so you might as well pay less.

Just thought I'd share!


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

30 Days of Detail - Day 1 - Introduce Yourself

So, I've decided to jump on board with this 30 days of details thing. Ironically, it has nothing to do with the 30 days of change I talked about yesterday.

The disclaimer on this is that I can tell you now that, while there are 30 posts and I will do all of them, there is no way it will be complete in 30 days. I know myself, I know my schedule, and I know there is no.freaking.way. it's gonna happen. So cut me some slack, please :)

And, PS, I'm cheating with day one. Bes my because I already wrote this as My Back Story. So therefore, you get to jump to that link for this post. This should be the only time that happens though...



On A Whim...

So, what do y'all think about Boston? Or California? Or Colorado?

Me too.

But I'm open to suggestions, because there is a good chance that I'm randomly going to end up in one of these places in the near future. Maybe not permanently, but I am definitely feeling the need to get up and go.

I'm missing something. I just don't feel like my life is complete right now. So I'm on a mission to fix that. I do a lot of things on a whim. Some are fabulous - some end incredibly badly. Either way, it's my M.O. I'm pretty well known for my total randomness and shotgun decisions.

Before I just up and run and do something crazy, I'm giving myself 30 days to get some stuff together...

I'm basically on a mind and body rejuvenation thing. We are doing things differently for the next month.

It's a physical, mental, spiritual thing. I'm not exactly sure what is going to work, but my theory is if I work on all 3 of these facets, one of them is bound to give me the results I'm looking for.

I just know that right now I'm feeling lost and clueless, and that's just not working for me. So hopefully getting my shit together will alleviate some of that confusion and give me some direction.

No promises. But I'm hoping! I'll let you know how it goes.

The countdown is on.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Immaturity At It's Best


Can I just say that? Well, I already did, so I guess if you aren't okay with it then too.damn.bad.

I've never met her. I probably never will. She has lots of friends, seems to work hard, and is probably a very decent person.

But I don't care.


And that is a completely immature, irrational, and judgemental way of doing things. But that's exactly the way that I'm going about it.

Why do I hate her? Good question.

Because she is the ex's new girlfriend. Although "new" is probably not the right word, since they have been together for over a year.

And it's not like he left me for her. It's not like he broke my heart by leaving. It's not like he packed up and moved out overnight.

It was ME who did those things. Granted, it was for good reason. He was cruel and abusive. Life was a rollercoaster. And when I was with him, I was the worst possible version of myself. And despite his promises to change, he didn't . So, I left.

Then, something crazy happened. He DID change. Of course, I haven't spent tons of time with him since I ran off to Texas, but I have seen him and talked to him and been around him (within the 1st year after I left) and he was a very different person. The angry, controlling, mean person that I knew was pretty much gone. When I brought this up, he said it was because of me. That he had lost the most important thing in his life because of the person he was, so he wanted to be someone better, mostly in hopes of winning me back. Obviously, that didn't happen, despite his best efforts spanning well over a year.

So he moved on. To her.

And now they are having a baby together. And living in the house he and I bought together. And enjoying a normal, happy life.

And I despise her for that. And it's totally ridiculous.

I could have had him if I wanted to. Hell, I still could if I put a little effort into it. But I don't want to be with him. That's not the point.

The point is that once again the same thing has happened: I find a guy that is completely screwed up, I deal with all his shit for an extended period of time, help him get his life together, turn him into a decent human being, and then watch him live happily ever after with someone else.

It really sucks.

And currently the best way to deal with that is to hate her. Her - the girl I've never met, who is now carrying his child and living with him, enjoying the life that I could've had and chose to walk away from. Although, if I hadn't left, he probably wouldn't have changed, and would still be that seriously screwed up person. Who knows. (You're welcome, ex!)

I don't miss him. I don't want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. It would just be nice if someday I managed to get the guy who someone else has already fixed, and that I just get to enjoy. Because this fixing men thing is exhausting.

Great Deal Alert - Free Movie Tickets!

Hey y'all,

I normally don't post stuff like this on my blog - but I came across a super good deal today for movie tickets.

2 Movie tickets for $9 from

Since they normally run about $12 each these days, it's like getting one free, and that's a pretty badass deal. And makes a date night pretty cheap :) Just Saying!

If you are interested, just click the link... Happy Buying!