Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's a Shit Day...

I woke up in a TERRIBLE fucking mood this morning.

Don't get me wrong. I will never be a morning person. Ever. People that jump out of bed like Mary fucking Poppins with a smile on their face need to be throat punched, in my opinion. I'm like "Calm the fuck down until I've had coffee and adderall and the clock says at LEAST 9 am. Or maybe 10, just to be safe". But most of the time I can at least maintain some semblance of control over myself, even when it's earlier than I'd like to be awake.

But today I woke up actually pissed off. For absolutely no reason. Just woke up in a shit mood.

And it's gotten progressively worse.

My 5:30 workout with my trainer usually helps alleviate stress and gets the day off to a good start. Today? Nope. Even she called me out on being a total bitch. Deserved. Totally deserved.

Coffee isn't fixing my problem. Adderall isn't fixing my problem. Damn it, I even tried EATING something, thinking maybe my blood sugar was fucked up or my antibiotics were fucking with me.

Nothing is working. I'm still stabby as fuck. Like, people are going out of their way to avoid me. And I don't even remotely blame them.

I can't pinpoint my bitch mode on any one thing. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and overwhelmed. There's a lot happening in life right now, not the least of which is as follows:

I miss the hell out of my boys. One is with his dad, the other is at camp. I just want them home and with me.

I miss my marriage. Not the current, fucked up, destroy me relationship I have now, but the incredible man I married 3 years ago. He was my biggest supporter and my favorite person. I miss that, desperately.

I'm over judgemental people. If that's you... fuck off.

I'm being forced to start figuring out some serious life changes, even though I'm not ready to be making these decisions.

I'm just BLAH. And I need to snap the fuck out of it.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Friday, June 17, 2016

I Hate You, I Love You

In case you're wondering where my life is at the moment. This pretty much sums it up. 

I tried, again. I thought maybe, just maaaaybe, he meant it when he said he realized he lost the best thing in his life. That maybe he was sincere when he said he'd fight for me, and step up, and be a man, and do whatever it took to keep me.
He didn't.
What he meant was he wanted to go back to the exact.same.shit. He wanted me to take another ride onthe crazy merry-go-round. Except this time he wants to live his own life in his own place in another state, and come home maybe 1 night a week to play house. But in the meantime, he wants me to do all the things I did before (pay for/take care of the entire household, do all the wifey things, etc) AND he wants me to sit at home like a puppy waiting from him to call me for 3 minutes at a time whenever he can pull himself away from whatever his current entertainment is.
So yea, I'm still an idiot. And I still give someone who will never deserve it WAY too much credit.
Sometimes, all you can do it forget about what you want, realize what the fuck you need, and run as fast as you can away from the thing that is destroying you.
I'll post more later, because right now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces from the latest destruction. Just because you know it's coming doesn't make it suck less.
Eventually you learn, or you die. Either one sounds infinitely better than the current situation.  

Friday, June 3, 2016

My Husband Hates Who I Am

I've discovered something incredibly interesting as of late.

This probably shouldn't be much of a revelation, but to me, it really is.

I've learned that fundamentally, my husband hates who I am as a person.

I'm not entirely sure how I didn't catch this before. Cuz it kinda seems like one of those things that should come up before you wife someone up.

However, it's still the truth. My delay in figuring it out doesn't make it less accurate.

My husband hates that I'm outgoing and social and open and free. He hates that I enjoy big crowds, loud bars, crazy parties, and being surrounded by people. He hates that I'm passionate, about everything that matters to me. He hates that I'm a control freak with ADD. He hates that I spend hours on meticulous details, and then throw it all out the window at the last second to just go with whatever feels right at the moment. He hates that I don't know exactly what I want next, but I'm always pursuing something, never ready to settle for what I have. He hates that I expect so much from myself and those around me instead of allowing mediocrity. He hates that I'm better at walking away from something in the moment, and then figuring it out with music and writing, instead of battling it out then and there. He hates that "finding myself" means a motorcycle and biker rallies one day, church on Sunday, and pasties and music festivals the next. He hates that I will NEVER be the girl who can sit at home and wait for something - if I want something, I go get it. He hates that I can love and hate something in the same day, or sometimes the same minute. He hates that my emotions come in waves, and can crash into whatever is in the way.

This list could go on, and on, and on.

I've spent the better part of the last year hearing about ALL of the things he hates so much about me and how they aren't ok. And it's not stuff like "you leave wet towels on the floor" (which I'm totally guilty of, by the way) or "You don't ever want to have sex with me" (which would be a legit issue we should work on). Nope. Instead he's been chipping away at the core of who I am. Telling me how not ok who I am is. And I've been believing him. And trying to change it.

But here's the thing -

All those things that he hates so much? It's what makes me, ME.

And I'm starting to like that girl.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Let's Play A Game

So, I've been informed that there are a number of people who have been following my blog who are actually a part of everything that has been unfolding over the last few months.

I find that to be incredibly interesting.

I mean, I knew that my blog traffic has increased significantly over the past couple of months, but I didn't realize I had an adoring audience of people who were intimately involved in the story.

So first, welcome!

I'm so glad that my life is entertaining enough that you have decided to take the time out of your day to comb through my posts and read my words. I'm flattered.

Secondly, I've decided we should play a game.

A game called - "Who Is This Message For?"

The rules are simple. I write a message below, and those of you reading can determine if it's for you.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not subtle. So this should be easy.

You ready? Here we go:

Message #1

You are a broken, insignificant person who's only way to feel important is by tearing other people down. I think it's incredibly sad that you refuse to believe in true love and commitment, and instead convince yourself and your children that women are only out to use you and you must protect yourself at all costs. It must be a terribly isolating way to live, and I wonder what happened to break your heart so badly that you are forever jaded. Because of this negative, manipulative, narcissistic outlook, the only reason people tolerate or engage you at all anymore is because of what you can offer them materially, otherwise they want nothing to do with you. So enjoy your money, your (paid for) women, and your ridiculous flagrant displays of self-appointed importance, because that is all you will ever have. You will still die lonely and by yourself, because you've never taken the time to invest in authentic relationships, so when you have nothing left to offer, those people who "love" you so much right now will disappear.

Message #2

You're kind of a badass, and kind of a dumbass. The simple fact that you were willing to intimately engage with someone who is married, and who you were going to represent, makes me seriously question your morals and your sanity. But I get it, the boy is charming as fuck, and he has a type: Strong, successful, independent women. That's us. I can't hate on that. And I respect the hell out of you for the reasons you broke it off - it made me smile more than it probably should have. You're welcome, by the way. I just saved you from everything you've read. No hard feelings. Just stay away from me if we end up in the same bar one night. And everything you did? I did first.

Message #3

You absolutely disgust me at the highest level. You're an dirty, attention-seeking, whore who clearly couldn't make her own marriage work, and yet decided that participating in the destruction of someone else's was acceptable. As a woman, and ESPECIALLY as a woman who knows the pain of recent separation and divorce, you should be ashamed of yourself. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, and truly thought you were a better person than that. Clearly, I was VERY wrong. Sorry that you are incapable of hanging onto a relationship and can't even manage to keep your child's father in his life. But being a backstabbing slut certainly isn't going to help that, and desperately clinging to other people's husbands under the veil of "friendship" just makes you pathetic. Go find a baby daddy elsewhere, figure how not to be a desperate, manipulative bitch, and don't ever contact us again. Cuz bitch, you lose. On every level. Move along.

Message #4

I've never met you, but we have so much in common. Mostly because we've been through hell with the same man. It's nice having someone who gets it, who's been there, and who can understand the crazy I've been dealing with in ways that no one else can. I respect you for doing it as long as you did, and I respect you for getting off the merry-go-round. I wish you nothing but good and happiness, and am grateful you reached out to me to let me know I'm not the only one. XOXO

Message #5

Mind your own damn business. If you aren't going to be impartial, and are just going to write everything off as "crazy", then at least have the common sense to stay the fuck out of it instead of participating. Writing dating profiles? Blowing up wedding cakes? Really?! Y'all should be way too mature for that. It's disappointing. Fortunately, I no longer have to be a part of the lakehouse drama, so ultimately you are irrelevant. But it still sucks to know that adults would participate in teenage games. It's too bad - because I had no issue with any of you.

Message #6

I love you. Always have. Always will. Wherever life takes us from here, that doesn't change. You broke my heart - that isn't a secret - but it doesn't change how I feel. Sometimes life throws us things we don't want and don't know how to deal with, but you learn and you grow and you figure it out as you go. And sometimes things break you so completely you have no choice but to start over and build from the ground up. That was you. That was us. The good was fairy-tale amazing, the bad was the stuff nightmares are made of. Some call it crazy - and they are probably right. But if it isn't crazy, passionate, burn your soul to the ground, can't-live-without-it kind of love, is it even worth it? Even knowing what I do now, I wouldn't go back and change it. I'd still say yes to that beer. Still say yes to coming over 6 months later. And still say yes to everything from that moment to this one. It's been one hell of a ride.

So there you have it.

Like I said, not real subtle. But hey, you came to MY blog, so I get to say whatever I like. Love it, or leave it. Either way works just fine for me.

Hope you enjoyed the game. I definitely did.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Choose Wisely

So, here's the thing I've discovered over the past few months of heartbreak, divorce proceedings, craziness, loss, adventure, learning, growing, and becoming:

The heart wants what it wants.

No matter how bad of an idea it may be. No matter how much it may hurt. No matter that logic and reason and everyone with any sense advises against it.

The heart is stupid. It is also powerful. And full of hope.

You can't force it to want, or not want, something. You can't sway it with facts. You really can't do shit about it except either follow it or wait it out.

Either way, it could hurt.

Either way, it could end badly.

Either way, you may not end up where you want to be.

Ultimately, life is a gamble. Love is a gamble. Relationships are a gamble.

No one can guarantee how anything is going to turn out.

So the best you can do is try to figure out the path that will make you the most complete, and then follow it with everything that you have.

No one can tell you what that is. People can give advice, and support, and help you navigate. But ultimately only YOU are response for living YOUR life.

So choose wisely.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Peter Pan

I wasn't aware that my husband knew Kelsea Ballerini.

Clearly though, he must.

Because this song was written about him. 100%.

Don't believe me? Just take an gander at these lyrics:

The smile, the charm, the words, the spark,
Everything, you had it

I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy,
I let you have it
You said I was your only,
I never thought you'd leave me lonely
You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man,

Peter Pan

Seriously, right? Written for him.

My husband used to joke that he could either be a pilot or grow up. Not both. It was endearing at the time, until I realized he actually believed that, and planned to live accordingly.

When there was something he didn't want to deal with - he would LITERALLY fly away. He would pick up a last minute trip and just disappear. For hours, days, however long he felt it was necessary to sufficiently punish me and make me give in to whatever he wanted.

Anyway, back to my point.

Either there are multiple sociopathic pilots in the world (Which, based on the pilots I know, is VERY possible) or this song writer had a thing with my husband.

Either way - you should check this song out. And then thank god that this song isn't your life.

Cuz believe me, and Kelsea, it SUCKS.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

New Adventures... Hard Choices...

So, when my husband left/lied/cheated/destroyed me (take your pick, it's all accurate) I was completely convinced that my life was over. Permanently. That I would never smile again. Laugh again. Know happiness or love, ever again.

I was dramatic. And I was wrong.

At the time, it felt 100% real though. And my instinct was to run away, because that's what I do best. When things get too hard, I take off and don't look back. I always have. That's how I ended up moving across the US multiple times. It's also how I ended up travelling around Europe, spending a crazy weekend in Cabo, St Patty's Day in NYC, etc. etc. etc. Basically, I leave a lot.

So, naturally, my first thought when my world crumbled was "RUN". Far and fast. And permanently. I immediately started looking for options - jobs, houses, etc. - in St Louis, Colorado, California, Austin, anywhere but here. I was ready to drop everything and just go, because it seemed so much less painful than staying and facing this.

But here's the thing - I have a life here. I have stability here. I have a house. A job. And, most importantly, I have family.

Not biological family - in that sense, I am very much on my own in Texas. But friends who have become my family with their love, support, and "never give up on me" way of life.

These are people who have been in my life since long before I ever met my husband. These are the people who have watched me grow up, supported my goals, and been by my side through the good and bad, to celebrate the fun times and to help me pick up the pieces when my world crumbles.

And I decided I'm not running from that. Instead, I'm embracing that.

My husband has taken SO damn much from me with his sociopathic lies and manipulation. I'm not going to let him take my security. My stability. My friends. My LIFE.

I realized pretty quickly how raw I was as a result of all of this. And because of that, making any big life decisions from a point of devastation was a terrible idea. So, I put myself in a 6 month "time out".

From the day he left, I'm not making any major changes for 6 months. No moving, no running, no tattooing my entire body or joining a nunnery. Because anything I do will likely be from a place of hurt, of anger, of fear, or of revenge. And none of those are good things to base huge life changes on.

Instead, I'm focusing on making myself better. On physically, mentally, and emotionally improving myself. My current world revolves around the things, people, and experiences that heal my heart and fill my soul. That make me feel stronger, happier, more stable, and loved.

The best part is that it's working. I have amazing people in my life and, as a result, have the opportunity to be a part of incredible experiences. I'm taking care of ME. There is so much positive. So much good. So much healing.

I realize that no matter what, I will always be okay. This would've been the thing to break me, if anything was ever going to.

But it didn't. I'm still here. I'm still breathing. And more than that, I'm thriving. Because I get to do the things that are good for me, instead of sacrificing my needs so that someone else can follow their dreams, which ultimately didn't include me anyway.

The 6 months is going by quickly. I have a lot of events and activities planned that allow me to focus on friends and happiness and continue to build my physical, mental, and emotional strength. Before I know it, I will be out of "time out" and then I can start to decide what comes next with a clear head and an open heart.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know what my future holds. But I know the people that will be by my side as I figure it all out. I know there will be love and adventure and excitement and hard work. I know I will fall again, and I will get up. I will fail, and I will succeed.

And I know that nothing and no one can break me.

Because he didn't.

Friday, April 29, 2016

It Don't Hurt Like It Used To

This. Just this.

You go through hell. And you get better. A day at a time.

I'm living proof. You can live through the worst heartbreak of your life.

 It sucks. It shreds you. There are moments you don't think you can do it for another second.

But you can. And you will make it.

I am.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I Must Have Married A Sociopath

I don't even have to explain. This says it all. So completely clearly. So 100% accurately.

THIS was my life with my husband.

Apparently, I must have married a sociopath.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

You Live

It's been a few weeks since I've had the opportunity to sit down and write something meaningful.

But I see that as a positive step in a good direction.

I haven't had the chance because of work, family, busy schedules, and new adventures.

I haven't had the chance to write a blog post, because I've been too busy living.

My life is so incredibly different than I imagined it would be 2 months ago. I thought by now I would be moved to Raleigh, getting settled into a new job and a new home, dealing with a husband that was gone 4-5 days a week, and trying to meet new people and make new friends. It would've been hard, but I was willing to do all of that. Because I was deluded into thinking marriage actually meant something to the person I was committed to. Funny how you can be so wrong about things.

Instead, I'm single. I'm in the same house, same job, yet a totally different life.

I get to spend time with people who love and appreciate me whenever I want to. I have grown closer to old friends, and made some incredible new ones. I've had opportunities for incredible experiences with amazing people. I have so many things to look forward to, knowing that I get to do them with people who aren't going to lie to me, use me, and leave me.

Has every second been easy? Of course not. Divorce isn't easy. Finding out the person that you loved with everything you were absolutely did not give a fuck about you isn't easy. Having to find a whole new direction for you life, and then getting up every morning and reminding yourself that your reality is permanently changed isn't easy.

But you do it. And you smile. And you thank god for the people that walk beside you. And you find good in the bad, and enjoy the moments of happiness, and breathe in and breathe out, and survive.

And, if you're lucky, you end up in places and with people that would've never been possible had you stayed in the prior situation.

And you know you're going to be better than okay.

And you live.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Find What Makes Your Soul Sing

The last few weeks have been all about finding a new normal.

Running away and re-centering was Step 1. A tropical vacation with one of the greatest people in my life, tons of sun, free flowing booze, thousands of Spring Breakers, and just being able to leave all the shit behind was exactly what I needed in order to start remembering who I am.

Before I met Voldemorte (Yes, that's the name now - it's appropriate. Because he's evil incarnate, is set on destroying me, and shouldn't even be mentioned anymore in my life) I was a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I embraced a lot of things. My life was full and my interests were many.

I gave up a lot of "me" for the "us" future I planned with him. That's not necessary a completely bad thing, but there comes a point where it gets unhealthy. The problem was that his schedule was so erratic (or more accurately, as I know now, the time he actually deemed worthy of spending with me instead of with the many other people and things that also had his attention was very limited) and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I dropped my activities since they would interfere with our time together. My life basically became working, and then waiting for him to be home so we could enjoy life together. That's not me. It's not who I am.

I love skydiving. I love fast motorcycles. I love softball. I love karaoke. I love shooting guns. I love live music and big crowds. I love taking my truck through the mud. I love adventures and meeting new people and trying things that scare me and finding things that make my heart smile. I love friendships that be wild adventures or sitting in PJs talking until 4 am.

I gave this all up.

And I'm working on getting it all back. On getting me back. On finding my bliss.

Because I can't change the past. I can't change him. I can't change what happened. So you leave that behind you and you move forward. With new adventures, with new people, with new goals.

My outlook for the future has changed completely. Instead of planning a life of following my pilot husband around the country while he builds his dream, I get to keep building mine.

And I've been reminded that I have the most incredible friends in the entire world. Old friends and new ones that have appeared just when I needed them, these people have been here for me every second. They have let me scream and cry and cuss and break shit, and they've helped me clean up the mess. They've invited me out to events to distract me, and for holidays so I wouldn't be alone. They've been there to listen, to offer advice, to remind me of my worth, and to tell me I'm not crazy and my life isn't over. They've helped me see who I was really married to, not just the fantasy I had in my head. And they've helped to rebuild myself. I couldn't even imagine doing this without these amazing people in my life.

I'm blessed to have true friends.

And I almost feel sorry for "he who shall not be named", because he burned so many bridges with his friends with his bullshit and his lies and his actions. He's had to resort to messaging old friends of his former exes to find someone to hang out. That's pretty pathetic. But, it's what happens when you have no integrity and manipulate everyone in your life. I do hope he finds some people in his life that are willing to be true friends, and be there for him, and also be honest with him about how he got where he is today.

But I guess none of that is really my problem anymore is it? I have exactly who and what I need in my life. And that's enough. It's better than enough.

It's my road to an incredible, bright, happy future with the people who truly love and value me and deserve my time and my love.

Find what makes your soul sing, and then pursue it with all your heart!


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Necessary Endings

So, apparently someone is PISSED that I decided to put the truth out there for all to see.

Yea, if I was a piece of shit human being, I wouldn't like it either. But guess what, sometimes the truth hurts.

Speaking of truth, and hurting, let's talk about what finally got me to my ending point.

Obviously, I wasn't there before. I love my husband, I wanted to work it out, I made excuses for his behavior, I tried literally everything I could possible think of, ranging from normal to insane, to try to make our marriage work. I cried. I begged. I took blame where I shouldn't have. I put up with shit no woman should EVER have to. I WANTED my marriage, no matter how toxic it was to me.

And then, Friday happened. And that was it.

My husband called me at work on Thursday morning, telling me that he was in town and wanted to see me (which was completely random and unexpected - but I was thrilled). I'd had plans for MONTHS to see Florida Georgia Line that night, which is my ALL TIME, most favorite band in the world, and he knew that. So he told me he didn't want me to miss it for him, because I would hold it against him. I repeatedly told him that it was more important to me to see him than to go to the concert, but I couldn't get him to commit to actually see me, even though there were plenty of interspersed "I love you"s in our conversation. He did this all day, which led to me literally laying in my bed sobbing at 6 PM, because all I wanted was him and he was playing his usual game of reel me in with lies and "I love you"s, and then as soon as he has me where he wants me, completely disappear and drop me again. Literally block my texts and calls, and ignore me totally, without explanation. It's sick. It's painful. And I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. Seriously. Fucking shoot me in the chest, but don't fuck with my emotions that way.

So, I decided on Friday it was time to make a line in the sand.

I sent my husband a message, via both e-mail and text, because I never know what he has blocked, that said basically 2 things - 1. I was off work for the day because a water line had broken, and I would love to spend the day with him and talk to him, but that I realized more than likely that request would be ignored. and 2. That if I didn't hear from him, I would be at a certain bar at 6:20 Friday night, and would wait until 6:45. If he showed, we could talk. If he didn't, that was my sign that he didn't love me, didn't want this to work, and was done, and I would accept that and be done as well, because I couldn't keep playing his games. I didn't think I'd hear from him, or that he'd show up.

What I didn't expect is what he did next. Although, looking back, I probably should have. I should have considered the cruelest, most vindictive, terrible thing one person could do to another in this situation, and then prepare for that. But I didn't, because for some unknown and illogical reason, I still had faith that this man would come through for me, despite all evidence to the absolute contrary.

So I hear from him around 10 AM. He says he wants to talk, and will do his best to be there at 6:20, but that he has to drive out to Austin to test fly an airplane, so it would probably be a little later. I told him if he was actually going to show up, that I would work around his schedule. So we decided on 8 PM instead. All day, he sent me messages telling me he loved me, was excited to see me, and giving me intermittent updates on his "trip to Austin". At 7:30 he texted to say he was close to the lakehouse, where his car supposedly was, but that it would be 8:20 before he made it down to our meeting spot. Again, I said that was fine as long as he wasn't standing me up again. His exact response? "I WILL NOT."

About 5 minutes later, I got a text from a friend, who informed that he had seen my husband spending the day at the Airshow in Conroe. Things QUICKLY started to make so much more sense. He was lying to me again. Of course. But why? At this point, my head was SCREAMING at me that I had my answer, but my heart refused to accept it.

So at 8:15, when I was almost to the spot we were meeting, he sent another text saying it was going to be later and he would call me to explain in a few minutes. 20 minutes later, he called. The story he gave me was that "somehow" his dad had run into an airshow guy AND one of my husband's buddies from flight school (who freaking lives in Florida and would have absolutely NO reason to be randomly in Houston, btw) and so last minute they decided to take the limo down to dinner together.

It wasn't even a well put together lie. It was total and complete bullshit. And he knew it. And I knew it. And I called him on it. His response to me? Again, exact words: "I wouldn't have to lie to you, but I can't just drop everything in my life when you decide to come back around."

Let that sink in. When I decide to come back around.

Me. The one who never left. The one who has been begging for this man's time and attention while he's been running all over the country. Me. The one who has dropped literally everything in my life to do anything possible to save my marriage. The one who was willing to pack up and move across the country for him while I couldn't get him to drive across town for me.

But he can't "drop everything" when I decide to come back around.

Again, I know. This should have been my "That's it" moment. But again, my heart is stupid.

So I let him blame me for his lies, again. I let him keep me on the hook, again. And I agreed to wait while they "stopped by a friends house in the limo", and would call me when they were headed that way. His plan, or so he said, was to meet me while everyone else was having dinner across the street.

So, I waited at the spot we agreed on. Again. For over an hour. At this point, he's decided to just ignore my texts again completely. I called my sister, who very wisely told me that I needed to get up, walk away and be done. But I didn't. Instead, I kept waiting. Kept hoping. And kept looking like an idiot.

Finally, at 10 PM, I decided it was time to take action.

I walked across the street to where he said the guys were going to be having dinner. As soon as I walked in, I saw him and his buddy sitting with 2 girls having dinner.

Yep. Really. On a fucking double date with 2 girls while his wife is waiting across the street.

That was it. I fucking lost it.

I walked up to the table, where he had his back to me, and said "Hi, I'm the wife".

It was pretty chaotic after that. His buddy was trying to diffuse the situation, my husband was literally frozen in place not saying a word, and one of the girls was trying to give me some line about "woman to woman, I swear I didn't know". I basically had the entire patio's attention when I told him we could either do this right there or he could follow me to a more private setting. He still didn't move or say a word until his friend (who apparently has slightly more brains than my husband) told him he'd better go.

So we walked about 20 feet away, still with the rapt attention of the entire restaurant I'm sure, and I let him have it. I'm pretty sure, but not positive, that I was screaming at him. But I'm definitely sure he deserved it.

After about a minute of me asking him how the fuck he thought what he was doing to me was ok, he looked at me and finally spoke for the first time. And he said "I'm not doing this with you if you're going to act like this". And he walked off.

I didn't follow him. There was no point. I wanted an answer, and damn it, I got it. In the most shitty, cowardly, disgusting way possible.

I went home, and took a baseball bat to every wedding picture we had. I screamed. I cried. My sister seriously thought I had lost my mind. But I got it out. All of it.

And I'm finally done.

That's what it took. And it sucks.

It sucks that my husband is such a narcissistic coward that he would continue to play these games with my heart, It sucks that I let him blame me for so much for so long, when he is clearly so incredibly fucked up. It sucks I had to literally feel my heart break into thousands of pieces, just like those stupid wedding pictures.

But I'm done.

I'm standing up for me now. My life. My happiness. And the truth.

I've completely blocked him out of my life so that he cannot get ahold of me and continue his games. I'm moving forward with the divorce. And I'm protecting myself.

Because he never did. And never will.

I grieve for the person I thought he was. But that was a lie. The person he really is I want nothing to do with, ever again.

One day, he will love someone the way I loved him. Totally, completely, heart and soul.

And I hope that person does exactly to him what he did to me.

I let him do it, for too long. But not anymore. I have the control now, because I have made the necessary ending. It's done. It's over.

And life has already gotten so much better.

Removing toxic people from your life leaves room for happiness and love and good people. And that's exactly what is happening.

This had to end, because it was time for a new beginning.

Beginnings are incredible. And full of hope.

And so am I.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Oh But My Darling, What If You Fly?

Sometimes you don't get what you want.

Sometimes life falls apart, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight, or pray, or work, things just don't go the way you hoped.

This is my life right now.

I wanted my marriage. I WANT my marriage. When I said "I do", I meant every word. I meant that no matter what, I was commited to my husband. Through the good, the bad, the ups, the downs, the ugly, the painful.

I honestly never thought I would get married again after my first marriage. To be fair, neither did anyone else. I was too jaded, and hurt, and guarded to ever go down that road again.

And then, my husband happened. He walked into my life completely unexpectedly and turned it upside down. And for the FIRST time, I seriously considered the idea of marriage again.

I spent a lot of time thinking about why my first marriage didn't work. It was a lot of things, but mostly it boiled down to 2 things - We were too immature and young, and more importantly, neither of us understood the idea of commitment. We were both in it until it wasn't fun anymore, until we didn't "feel in love" anymore, and then we bailed.

So, the only way I was willing to marry again was with the full understanding that marriage is a commitment you don't walk away from. Even on the days you don't feel like it. Even on the days the other person pisses you off to no end. Even on the days you would rather do anything else.

I thought my husband understood that. I thought we were on that same page. And that's why I was willing to marry him.

Obviously, I was very wrong.

I've spent months now fighting for someone who didn't want to be there. I've done everything I know to do to make a marriage work. I've put everything I have into this. I believed in the commitment we made. I still do. Unfortunately though, I'm the only one.

He decided it wasn't fun anymore, and he bailed. He stuck around long enough to get what he wanted from me, and then moved on to other things.

Was I perfect? Absolutely not. Was I willing to do whatever I could to make him happy and be the person he needed? Absolutely.

But you can't fight for a marriage when the other person has already given up. Trust me, I've tried.

Am I ok today? Nope. Not even kind of.

Will I be ok? Yes. Eventually.

I know now that I am capable of loving someone completely. Committing to someone completely. Growing and changing and learning with someone. Being in a partnership. I know that my heart is capable of that kind of love, because I did it. And eventually, I will again.

This will not break me. I gave my best fight, and I lost. But that doesn't mean my life is over.

It will go on. I will be okay.

I got a tattoo not too long ago, and it's more fitting now than ever.

It comes from a poem by Erin Hanson:

There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?

Life is about standing on the edge, making choices, and fighting the best fight you can.

And I WILL fly.

Monday, March 7, 2016

The Truth

They say that the truth will set you free. I don't know that this is necessarily accurate, but I do know that I am absolutely sick and tired of being lied about. Especially when I have spent the last 3 years covering for and defending someone who SO.VERY.CLEARLY did not deserve my loyalty or respect.

So here it is: The complete truth. Sorry if this bursts your bubble about the person you think you know, but he is a master manipulator and I'm pretty convinced he's also a compulsive liar. So welcome to reality.

When I met my husband, he was a waiter. He told me he was a pilot of course, but really he only held a license, but didn't actually work as a pilot. He lived in a condo that was owned and paid for by his father. (But of course he told me it was his) Basically, he just had to make enough money every week to live on and support his partying. I fell crazy hard in love with this man. And, despite what he tells me now, I really think at one point he honestly loved me too.

He moved in with me after about a month. He would sleep all day or hang out watching TV while I went to work. He never offered to help with the bills. He worked in the restaurant a couple nights a week. After a couple of months of this, we sat and had a serious talk about where he saw his future. He said he wanted to be a pilot, but that hadn't been able to pass his CFIs in order to teach and build necessary hours to be qualified to fly either commerical or corporate planes. I believed in this man, and wanted him to succeed, so I told him I'd help him study and do whatever I could to support him while he went through this process.

And I did. I helped him make a study plan, and a timeline for completing various milestones. I worked 50-60 hours a week and STILL spent my nights going over flash cards, letting him teach me about airplanes, and whatever else ne needed to pass his written tests and checkrides to become a flight instructor. I was SO proud of him when he got it done.

He started working at the airport as a flight instructor, and spent most of his days up there. I was still completely supporting us, paying all the bills, paying for groceries or dinners when we went out, because flight instructors don't make crap. I got that, but it would really suck sometimes that he had no problem going out to lunch every day with the people he worked or flew with, while I was struggling to make sure all the bills were paid.

When we started talking about marriage, he said he absolutely wanted to marry me as soon as possible but couldn't afford a ring. I loved this man, I believed he truly loved me, and I REALLY REALLY believed that we were going to be a team and support each other. So I dug out one of my rings from my jewelry box, and that became my wedding ring. I paid for the entire wedding, the wedding trip to Maui, and all the expenses for both him and I. By myself.

Less than 3 weeks after we got married, he came home drunk one night after disappearing and not telling me where he was or who he was with, Because I had locked the BEDROOM door (he was able to get in the house just fine, but would've had to sleep in the guest room) he kicked the bedroom door in at 2 in the morning, and was drunkenly screaming at me. I tried to leave the bedroom, and he punched me, closed fist, in the face. The roommate we had at the time heard all of the commotion and called the police. My husband said he wouldn't go to jail and would tell them I hit him, so he slammed his head repeatedly into the door jam, causing a huge gash that was bleeding everywhere. I KNEW that something like this could end his flying career, so the first thing I did was call his father for help.

Even while I was on the phone with his dad trying to tell him what was happening, Mike was screaming at me. I went outside to get away, and he followed me out, punched the window in my truck, and when I told him he wasn't going to destroy my property, began hitting me again. The roommate literally had to pull him off of me. The cops showed up, took one look at me, and immediately took my husband to jail. He kept trying to tell them that I had hit him, but fortunately the roommate had seen him throw his head into the doorjam, and the 911 call the roommate had also picked up most of what was happening, so they knew he was lying.

I REFUSED to give the cops a statement other than to say I did not touch him, since he was trying to say that I did. I also refused to allow them to take pictures of my injuries. I called my attorney and made sure I did everything I could to protect my husband, despite the fact that he had just drunkenly attacked me and then tried to have my thrown in jail with his lies.

Why? Because I love him. Because I'm stupid. Because I had never EVER seen any indication of him being capable of anything like this and thought there had to be a logical explanation. Because I couldn't bring myself to believe that I had just made a huge mistake marrying someone who would put his hands on me.

Anyway, when he got out of jail 2 days later (his father bailed him out, but I went with him to pick my husband up) he was horrified and apologetic and swore he loved me and it would never happen again. But even then, his biggest concern was what we needed to do to make sure he didn't have his life ruined. My best friend's husband is an incredible criminal defense attorney, so I called him and asked him to please take the case and make sure my husband didn't end up with a domestic violence on his record. My friend agreed, warning me that if he took this case, he wouldn't be able to represent me in a divorce if that ever happened. I didn't care, because I wanted my husband protected by the best, and I never for a second believed that we could get divorced.

When the DA and the "victim's assistance" people called to try to get me to testify against my husband, I refused. They were downright mean at one point, telling me how stupid I was to defend the man who had done this to me and that he would just do it again and it would be my fault for allowing it. But I didn't cooperate with them, and told them they didn't understand because this situationw as different and my husband was NOT that person. I believed that. I did refuse however, to actually go to court with him or to help him pay the court fees, etc. associated with this. I told him he was on his own for that.

Long story short, he ended up getting a first time offenders deal because I wouldn't testify, and had to do a year of probation. As long as he was successful in that, he wouldn't have a record. However his monthly probation meetings and court ordered "victims assitance" payments added up quick, so what little money he did make flying went to that, again leaving me to pay all of the bills on my own.

My husband said he would stop drinking as a result of all of this, and that lasted about a month. (He wasn't supposed to drink while on probation at all - but that was quickly ignored) It started with a drink at dinner, then a beer after work, then before I knew it he was back to drinking as much or more as he had before. I told him multiple times that the amount that he drank concerned me, because I couldn't trust him when he was drunk. That just started fights every time about how I was trying to control him, or take away his fun, or how it was my fault that he was on probation to begin with.

Please don't misunderstand me... I love this man. We had a LOT of incredible, amazing times. Most of the time, he treated me with love and respect, and was everything I wanted. But that isn't what this is about. This isn't about all the good. It isn't about how much I adore him. It isn't about how committed to this man I am. That's all true. But this is about setting people straight on the lies that have been told about me. It's about getting my side of this story out. It's about how we got from there to here. And lot of it was because of alcohol. It became a huge problem.

He got so drunk one night we found him passed out in the drivers seat of his car after looking for him for 2 hours. Had a cop happened to see him, he wouldn've been in jail, no questions asked.

Another time, he got so drunk and mixed it with pills to the point where I found him unconscious on the floor, having lost all control of bodily functions and barely breathing. I had to call 911 and have him taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was terrified. I didn't even know until we were at the hospital that it was alcohol and pills, not a medical problem, that was the issue.

There are plenty of other examples, a lot of which his friends and family were witness to. The drinking was a problem. I thought so, other people thought so, our freaking marriage counselor thought so. But my husband didn't, so he kept right on drinking. I never knew exactly what I was going to get when alcohol was involved. Sometimes, things were fine. Sometimes, he would be irritable and moody. Sometimes, he would be downright awful. Verbally abusive, mean, and crossing physical boundaries. I learned the more he drank, the less I should. But even that didn't help when he was on a roll. If I tried to reason with him, it was pointless. If I tried to walk away, he would follow. If I tried to stand up for myself and tell him he wasn't going to treat me like that, he would freak out saying that I was calling the cops on him to have him arrested and he would get in his car and drive away drunk and I wouldn't hear from him until he sobered up and decided he wasn't mad at me anymore. (Hours, days, it's been up to a week of no contact. I never knew. It's part of the insanity.)

We went to Amsterdam for Easter, just the two of us. We ended up meeting up with a couple of girls stationed in Germany, and spent the evening exploring Amsterdam and drinking at a local pub. Everything seemed fine until it was time to go. On the walk back, Mike got pissed off because we somehow lost the other girls in the crowded street. He sat down and refused to move. I told him to give me my credit card and subway pass and I'd meet him back at the hotel when he was done pouting. He threw he wallet at me, and when I took it and started walking to the station, he attacked me. He punched me so hard that I lost consciousness. When I came to, he was standing over me screaming. I got up and ran to a taxi down the street, begging him to lock the doors. Mike tried to punch the window out of the cab to get to me, and the driver drove off with me inside. I didn't even have any money to pay for the ride to the hotel, but the driver was sympathetic and, after encouraging me to go to the police (which I refused - again) he took me back to the hotel.

I made up a story to the hotel clerk about being robbed, got a new room key from him, and locked myself in the room, and a short time later my husband showed up, demanding to be let in. I told him I wasn't going to let him back into the hotel until he was sober, and he started screaming about how I was stealing his passport and holding it hostage and other nonsense. The hotel clerk made him leave by threatening to call the police. I found out later that he called his dad, went to the airport, and somehow managed to get on a plane and back to the states by telling everyone that I had stolen his passport.

Then, whlie I was stranded in Amsterdam trying to figure out what to do, he and his father rented a U-haul and proceeded to go to the house and move out, taking both his stuff and mine. No apology. No concern for me. Nothing. He hit me. He left me in Amsterdam. And he took everything and put in his dad's hanger.

I should've been done then. I know I should've. He was still on probation at the time, so I should have gone to his probation officer, showed her the pictures, told her the truth, and finally let my husband suffer the consequences of his actions. But I didn't. I covered for him again. I defended him again. And I worked it out with him again. Because I loved him.

He said the problem was that the house we lived in was "mine" not ours, since I lived there before him. So, to make him happy, we bought a new house that was "ours". He got off probation in August. In September he decided he was taking a job with an airline that would put him in St Louis. No discussion. No "how do you feel about this for our family?" Nothing. I mean, I knew that a pilot was the goal. For God sake, I'd been literally supporting him to get him there. But when you have a spouse, you have to talk about major decisions like, oh, I don't know, taking a job across the country. But he didn't. It was, once again, all about what he wanted.

I was hurt and pissed that he thought it was okay to make a choice like that without his wife. But he wasn't going to change it, and after many arguements about it, including one where he literally said to me "I love flying more than you", I knew I wasn't going to win and if I wanted it to work I had to get on board.

I'd been telling him for months we needed a vacation to reconnect. He would tell me okay and then turn around and say he couldn't make plans, because he didn't know what was happening with the airline start date and that came first, always. Finally, I told him I was going to Europe for a week (I had to go for work anyway, so I took an extra week for vacation) and that I wanted him to make it a priority to come. He said he would. He didn't. He told me the NIGHT BEFORE we were supposed to leave that he wasn't coming. And yes, I got pissed. I was so hurt that once again, I wasn't a priority. That once again, it was all about him. That once again, I didn't matter. I told him I wasn't doing this and to leave.

He went to the lake house, and I went to Europe. I BEGGED him for the first 4 days to come meet me there, because it was all I wanted. It had been all I wanted the whole time. He kept telling me he would get on a plane the next day, he never did. When I got back from Europe, he was headed to St Louis for school the next week. He refused to see me and talk, saying that I had kicked him out and it was done and on and on. I begged. Again. I apologized. Again. He never did. But he "came back" in that he would stay the night at the house when he was in town from St. Louis - about 1-2 nights a week.

I tried to be as supportive as possible, but seeing your husband a total of 8 days in 2 months is REALLY hard, especially when you had no say in the decision. He kept promising it would get better as soon as he was done, and kept telling me it would only be a few more weeks. But it was always something, it was always longer, he was always frustrated and stressed, and I was always alone. It all sucked.

So I just kept holding my breath and waiting for him to get through the commercial pilot training school so that we could FINALLY be where we wanted to be. He would have a stable job and be able to help with the bills that I'd been paying. He would have his dream job, and maybe the dedication to that would be enough to curb the drinking and make him more willing to settle down, grow up, and be a family. I was even getting excited about a move to Raleigh, where he would be based, because it meant getting away from the negative influences here, starting a new life there, and building something together as a team. I was willing to leave my friends, my job, and everything I have here to follow him to Raleigh so that he could have his dream. And I was doing it happily because I LOVE him and WANTED to be with my husband, more than anything in this world.

Well, guess what? He finished school a week ago. And he left me. In the same week.

He failed a checkride, came home for a couple days, got insanely drunk, lost his shit when I confronted him about it, packed his shit and left. I didn't hear from him for a week, not one word. I finally met him at the airport to confront him, to talk to him, and to try to work it out. I had a lot of time to think, and the ONE thing I needed from him was for him to stop leaving. And I told him that. I told him I would follow him to the ends of the earth, that I would (and HAD) do anything for him. I just needed to know we were in it together. We were a team. That he was as committed as I was. And that we were going to make it work. I told him the leaving'moving out things had to stop, immediately and permantely. He said he loved me, said he would find a way to stop leaving, and then said he had to go fly a trip.

Which turned out to be a lie. Apparently it was all a lie. Because he called me yesterday, and told that he didn't love me. He told me that his goal had been to become a commerical pilot, and now that he had that, that's all he wanted and nothing else mattered. He told me he didn't care, he wasn't coming home, and he didn't want to be married.

So guess what? I got used.

I spent 3 years literally taking care of a man, supporting him, and helping him follow his dream only to be dropped the second he got what he wanted. But even better? He's upset that I'm no longer keeping his dirty little secrets. I'm done lying for him. I'm done defending him. I'm done pretending the things that he is doing are ok. They are not. And it pisses him off to no end that I refuse to play his game anymore. Apparently, he has lost some friends because of the way he has acted. But he blames me. He has never once taken responsibility for his actions. Everything is someone else's fault. Hitting me, drinking too much, leaving. All of those things he can justify by placing the blame elsewhere.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Have I been wrong? Yes. And I've apologized and tried to do better. I've taken a hard look at things that he tells me were problems, and tried to fix them. He told me that because I'm a perfectionist, nothing he does is ever good enough. So I tried to be more encouraging and less critical. He told me that I'm controlling. I can be. I tried to let some of that go for him, and let him figure more stuff out for himself. Those are his complaints about me. Basically that I was pushing him too hard, and controlling too much. Maybe it's wrong, but it was because I saw his potential. I saw the incredible man I thought he could be. I saw what he was capable of, and wanted him to want it to. And I was, and am, willing to change to make us better. Willing to fight for us. I believe in the commitment I made when I married him.

I wanted his time and attention. To be considered. To be included in decisions that would affect both of our lives.

This, my friends, according to him, is why being married to me is unbearable, and why he just used me to get what he wanted and then left. Because I wanted a partnership instead of a child. A man I could depend on. And to be with the man that I love. Safely. Completely. Happily.
What I'm asking for is pretty terrible, right?

I love this man with all of my heart. I did then. I do now. And the stupid thing is, I would probably still be defending him and lying for him and letting him use me, if he hadn't given me any choice. I want him to succeed. I want him to get help. I want him to be the man I know that he can be. But I can't make his choices for him.

But now, the truth is out there. Do with it as you will. Check it out for youself, a lot of it is public record. Choose to believe it or not. That doesn't make it any less true.

I love him. I will probably always love him. But I won't be treated like this by him anymore. And I sure as hell won't let him lie to everyone about what really happened to get us to this point.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

You Don't Have That Kind Of Power

Today, I'm ok.

It's funny how completely removing yourself from a situation gives you a new perspective, because you can see all of it, instead of being stuck in the middle with limited views.

I have been so caught up in trying to make things work with someone who SO VERY CLEARLY didn't want the same thing.

I wanted stability, continuity, someone I could depend on, a partnership, a lover, a best friend, someone to explore the world with, someone who's shoulder I could cry on when I had a rough day, a man who would love me and fight for me, and we would always have each other's backs, always be a team, and take on the world together.

That's not even kind of what I got.

I got someone that I had to take care of financially. Someone who saw no problem with me having to literally pawn things to make ends meet while he continued to not contribute anything and use the little money he made to take care of himself first. I had someone who would only think of his own needs every single time, and only after those were met did anyone else's mattered. Someone who runs away (literally) every time he doesn't get his way or there is an argument he doesn't want to deal with. Someone who gets so drunk he puts his own and others people's safety in danger, yet doesn't think he has a problem. Someone who doesn't even know how to take responsibility for anything, or say "I'm sorry". Someone who believes that getting by doing the absolute minimum is acceptable. Someone who has never had to face difficulty because he knows there will always be another person to deal with things when he doesn't. Someone who puts his hands on a woman while drunk, more than once, and still doesn't think that alcohol is a problem. Someone who is content to walk away without a word because he finally got where he wanted to be and now he can do what he wants with no responsibility. Someone who lies to everyone, including himself, so much that I don't think he even knows that the truth is. Someone who refuses to accept criticism of any kind, no matter now qualified the person it is coming from is. Someone who wants to never grow up, never have responsibility, and never know what it truly means to have a partner in life. Someone who is so desperate to please his father (who is arguably one of the most narcissistic, manipulative people I have EVER met) that he will sacrifice anyone else that matters.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But the fights I started between us were because I wanted to know I could depend on him, that we were team, that he would always be there to face things WITH me. I wanted to sleep next to my husband at night and see him every day, because I was crazy in love with him. I wanted to know that I mattered to him, and that he considered me in his decisions. I wanted to know that I wasn't giving all of myself to him, and then would end up alone.

Which was exactly what happened. So, my concerns were warranted.

It's not like this is a total shock. I should've known it was coming when he left every time there was an argument. I should've known when he told me "I love flying more than I love you". I should've known when he took a job in another state without consulting me. I should've known when he couldn't even make 15 minutes a day to talk to me. I should've known. And on some level I did - which is why I tried so desperately to hold on to him, thus all the fights.

I am independent, stable, and secure. I don't need him. I can do just fine on my own, and have for a long time. But I was desperately, wholly, completely in love with him. And I needed things from him. Safety, security, affection, time. I wanted to combine every part of my life with his. I sacrificed a lot, and was willing to sacrifice even more to allow him to follow his dreams. I just needed to know he was IN it, that he truly loved me, and that he wasn't going to just leave when he got what he wanted.

But he did. And I'm picking up pieces. I got used. Badly. I know that now.

I still love him with all of my heart. That isn't going to go away any time soon.

But I've also decided that it's time to love myself. To respect myself. To not allow him to break me down and make me feel bad for having needs.

So it hurts, yes. It sucks that he never cared, yes. It sucks that I was blinded by love and got completely used. It sucks that I have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, yes.

But I will be okay. Because, darling, you didn't break me. You don't have that kind of power.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Whatever It Takes

Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Food. Exercise. Religion. Work. Play. Cutting. Music. Therapy. Travel.

All things that you can use to numb the pain of a broken heart. I don’t blame anyone for doing any or all of these. Ever.

I get it. You just want to escape the awful feeling of drowning in the dark, and whatever it takes to do that is fair game. That’s my life right now.

I will literally do anything to not feel my heart ripping to shreds. I don’t care how destructive or detrimental or consequential it could be. I just need the hurt to stop. Now. 

When my husband left in November, I literally was on a plane to Europe by myself the next day. I immersed myself in another continent, trying to soak up everything that could fill the emptiness he left in my soul. I drank more than I ever have, woke up in places I’ve never seen before, and embraced anything that could give me even a moment of relief. And some of it did. Temporary or not, if I could take one breath without feeling like I was going to die, I considered that a win. I met incredible people and had once in a lifetime experiences. But none of them took the deep ocean of pain away from me for more than a few moments. They did however, give me some hope. That there would be a day that I would be okay again. That if I could survive running around Europe completely by myself, then I could survive a broken heart.

Then I came back home and fought like hell for my marriage. And for a while, it worked. My husband stayed and that agonizing pain left. Until he left. Again.

At first, I was so angry it didn’t even hurt. Being mad as hell kept me from feeling much else. But that was pretty short lived. Believe me, I’m still mad. Mad I got used. Mad that I chose to spend my life with someone who thinks that walking out every time he isn’t getting exactly what he wants is ok. Mad that I wasted so much time supporting him and encouraging him and helping him follow his dreams only for him to bail the second he got where he wanted to be. Mad that I gave up a perfectly wonderful single existence to fall completely in love with someone who obviously never felt the same. Mad that my husband is so damaged by his own narcissistic, selfish, controlling “women are meant to be used and thrown away” father that he will never be able to stand on his own two feet. I’m pissed.

But my heart is also broken into a thousand pieces. Shattered. In ways I didn’t know were possible because I’ve never loved someone so completely, and committed so entirely to them. I fought for my marriage. I meant it when I said “Every tomorrow I have is yours”. I didn’t just sign up for “until it stops being fun every second”. So I guess the total devastation comes from knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix something that is broken because the other person literally dropped it and walked away. I can’t will it better. I can’t put more effort into it and work it out. I can’t do shit.

He left. The end.

So all I can do is find ways to make it hurt a little less. To make it through every day and every torturous night until I somehow come out on the other side of this and can breathe again. I just have to hang in there for a while, and let my heart start to heal and begin to listen to my head instead. I know I won’t always feel like this. But until it starts to subside, I will continue to do anything and everything it takes to take the edge off. You can judge me for that all you want. I don’t care. Because I didn’t ask for this, I don’t want this. And this is the best I can do for now.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Falling Apart

I saw a quote the other day, and it couldn’t more accurately represent my life.

“I only write when I’m falling in love or falling apart”.

Falling apart is where I am now.

My marriage is over. And it is the most painful, heart-wrenching, sick to my stomach, can’t even take a breath without it feeling like my chest is going to crush my insides hurt that I have ever felt. I can’t eat, can’t sleep without stupid amounts of Xanax, and can’t stand to be around people or be alone or think or talk or sit in silence. It’s all terrible.

I think what makes this so hard is that I love this man with my entire being, and I didn’t see it coming. I guess I should’ve. Signs were there. But I believed in him and us and love, and all those things I never thought could exist. For us, I thought it was real. I thought we were the exception. I thought that he truly loved me, and we would fight this world together and win. I was so, so wrong. Painfully, awfully, terribly wrong. And I’m paying dearly for it now.

A year ago – we were in a bad place. And it wasn’t just him. It was us. I was being selfish and hanging on to things and people that weren’t good for us. He was drinking too much and only considering his own needs. It was bad, and it hurt, and for a brief moment I considered giving up. But I love this man, and I promised him “today and always, now and forever, good and bad”. And I meant it from the bottom of my soul. So I fought for us. And I talked him into fighting for us as well.

I took a long, hard look at myself and what I was going to make things worse instead of better. I can be selfish and demanding, I can expect perfection from people, and I can make them feel like they weren’t good enough. I had to really confront those things about myself, and really work one day at a time to change them. I started saying “thank you” more. Being more supportive and less judgmental. I tried to be encouraging and understanding, even in moments when I really wanted to tell him to “man up”. Based on advice from our counselor, I hoped that if I began treating him like he was enough and I was proud of him and respected him, that he would feel it and begin making choices and life decisions that were worth respecting.

I tried really hard to explain my needs to him in ways that didn’t make him feel worthless, and give him concrete examples of what I needed without being demanding or making him feel like he could never accomplish those things. But I must have failed. Because his repeated battle cry is that “he would never be good enough for me”. Which is so far from the truth, and I’ve tried so hard to avoid doing things that would make him feel that way, but I guess it just wasn’t enough.

I should be angry. And for moments, I am. I supported this man for 3 years. I pushed him to follow his dreams. When we met, he was a waiter in a restaurant living in his dad’s condo.  I pushed him to get his CFI, spent hours studying with him, encouraged him as he build hours as a flight instructor, and helped get him to the point where he could be hired by the airlines. All while paying 95% of the bills alone, and taking care of everything. He has never gotten me a birthday present or anniversary present. I can count the number of times he has paid for dinner in the past 3 years on 2 hands.  And it sucked. A Lot. But at least he was moving towards a more stable, successful life.

Except when the time came – the bottom fell out.

Without ever talking to me about it, he took a job that required him to be in St Louis for at least 4 months, and then he would be based somewhere besides Texas after that. Then he told me he wasn’t going on the trip we had planned for months the night before we were supposed to leave. I went to Europe alone, while he packed up and moved to St Louis. I spent 3 weeks begging him to come back, to work things out. He did. And the past 4 months have been monumentally hard as he has been struggling though school and I’ve been struggling trying to keep everything afloat at home. But I had felt like we were in a good place, finally. Not perfect. But good. I had agreed to move to Raleigh with him, where he would be based, and was even looking forward to our new adventure.

We went away for a weekend to Orlando during Valentine’s Day, and I found out he was still lying about me, about our relationship, and about our life. It started me questioning if I was just being used, or if he really us to work things out and keep building our life together in Raleigh.

Well, I got the official answer from him last Thursday. I got home from work and he was drunk after spending all afternoon at a buddy’s house, instead of doing what he had told me he was going to do. I was upset, but it wouldn’t have been a blow up fight until he lied about it and then said he was leaving. That he hated me, that he never loved me, and that he was done. He grabbed his suitcase and left. And I haven’t heard from him since, except for a hateful voice message he left me because in his drunken state he broke some China that belonged to his grandmother and somehow decided that was my fault.

So that’s that. 3 years down the drain. I got used. He got what he wanted from me while he got where he wanted to be, and then he bailed. And I’m left asking what the hell happened. How did we end up here? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have given this man my entire heart and soul when he so clearly cared only about himself?

Those are the questions I’m not going to get answers to. But that haunt me every second of every day.

I know I can’t keep doing this. I know he will continue to hurt me. I know he doesn’t love me. But that doesn’t make me love him less. It just makes me feel scammed and used and cheap. My heart is SCREAMING for him, but my head is telling me the best thing I can do is run as far away from him as possible.

So thank god for friends that provide distraction, alcohol to numb the pain, and Xanax to keep me sane.

That’s the best I can do right now.