Thursday, August 17, 2017

What Do I Want?

So I've learned as of late, that when you are the victim in a domestic violence incident, what you want has actually very little bearing in the overall scheme of what happens.

You would think that at some point, someone would sit down with you and say "What do you want? What do you need? What would help you? What do you want to see happen?"

Nope. That's not a thing.

Basically, the giant cog that is the legal system takes over, and it just does whatever it's going to do, with very little or no input from you at all. Fuck the fact that the crime was committed AGAINST YOU to begin with. It seems like a serious flaw in the justice system, but not one that I can do a damn thing about at this point, so instead I'll just bitch about it here.

But HAD someone bothered to ask me what I want, this is what I would have told them:

I want an apology. A sincere, heartfelt apology. Something that in the 5 years we were together, I never once got. I want an "I'm sorry" that isn't based on fear of the legal consequences, or manipulating me, or anything other than genuine remorse.

I want a real acknowledgement of the wrong that he did: For hurting me, both physically and emotionally. For using me. For wasting the last 5 years of my life, with no intention of truly building a future together. I want validation that what I went through was real, and that he accepts what he did to me.

I want him to take responsibility for his actions, like a man. To stop making excuses and blaming everyone and everything else, and simply say "Yes, I did this. I intentionally destroyed this woman who loved me. It was awful, and it was wrong, but I chose to do it." I want him for the first time in his life to accept the consequences of his actions, and to own his choices.

I want him to change - to become a better person, to get his life together, and to never do this to anyone else. I wish that I could just erase all the bad from the last 5 years, and get back the man who I thought I married. But I'm not naive, and this isn't a fairy tale. I tried to help him, desperately, and I wasn't enough of a reason for him to change. But I don't want him to get better for me. I want him to get better for him. Because despite everything he has put me through, and continues to put me through, I love this man. A part of me always will. I won't ever go back, for my own safety and sanity, but that doesn't mean I don't still believe that he has the potential to be an incredible person. He just has to realize it, and step up and do what is takes to overcome his vices and be a man.

I still hope that for him, from a distance. Even when he's dragging me through a god awful divorce, fighting me every step of the way, and trying to make my life hell. I still hope for him that something, someday, will be important enough for him to decide it's worth becoming a better man. But that's up to him. It's not mine to carry anymore. Really, it never was.

Finally, I want my life back. I want to remember what it's like to not feel used and manipulated and broken, because I loved someone who got pleasure from my pain. I want to put this all behind me and be allowed to move on. And if he had an ounce of decency in him, he would give me that. After all he's put me through, you would think he would at some point decide it's enough, and just let me be done, instead of continuing to try to take from me, when I have nothing left to give. I gave him everything while we were together. Everything. Shouldn't that be enough? Just let me pick up the pieces I have left, without putting me through anything else.

I realize that the likelihood of getting what I want is probably akin to the likelihood of getting a rainbow colored unicorn that leads me to a pot of gold. I accept that. And I'm certainly not holding my breath expecting it to happen.

But, had someone ever bothered to ask, that's what I would have told them.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A Moment Of Absolute Honesty...

I've known that we were done since the moment things went so terribly wrong (again) back in April.
In fact, I knew it well before that.

I knew that I was in a marriage where I wasn't loved, respected, appreciated, or even considered. I knew that I was being cheated on, lied to, hurt, and used. I knew that I would continue to give, and he would continue to take. I knew that my husband was incapable of caring about anyone or anything but himself, his career, and his ego.

So why did I stay? Why did I keep trying, despite all of those things I was so keenly aware of?

I loved that man. With every fiber of my being. My world began and ended with him. He was my sun, my moon, my stars. My heaven and my hell. I used to tell him he was "it" for me, and I meant it. He was everything to me. I would have done anything for him, been anything for him, sacrificed anything for him.

And in a lot of ways, I did. I gave up me, for him. And didn't even regret it.

Until it became clear that it wasn't enough. That I would never be enough.

He didn't want a wife who adored him and was proud of him and helped support his dreams. That wasn't enough. Ever.

And I realized I couldn't compete with the pilot lifestyle that he just had to have. For him, it was about the uniform, the prestige, the girls throwing themselves at him, the partying in a different city every night, the "I'm a pilot" response that always got everyone's attention and made him feel important.

Don't get me wrong - I was SO proud of him. I worked my ass off too in order to help him get there, so I had a lot of pride in his accomplishments as well. I wanted him to succeed and grow as a pilot, to celebrate with him as his dreams came true. But, as impressive as it is, it's still a CAREER. And it shouldn't trump your marriage. But it did, every single time.

I tried so hard to get him to understand that... understand that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, if only he would just consider me, and show me that I was the one he loved and desired and needed. I sent him this article one time, hoping that maybe someone else's words would resonate with him when mine fell on deaf ears...

Dear Aviation Husband - Five Things I Need From You

I never even got an acknowledgment, let alone a response. I tried writing him emails, leaving him notes, having conversations, anything and everything I could to get through to him and make him understand that he was all I wanted in this world, and I just needed him to love me too, above all else. I could live with the nights away, the awful schedule, the moving, the being away from friends - as long as I knew it was him and me, always.

But it wasn't. It was him. Only him. And me, trying to love someone who very simply loved so many things more than he would ever love me.

And that's how we ended up where we are today. I mean, obviously there is a lot more to it, but that's what it boils down to.

He didn't love me, because you don't hurt someone you love. You don't break someone you love. You don't lie to and manipulate and cheat on someone you love. You don't choose alcohol over someone you love. You don't destroy someone you love.

There is no doubt in my mind that I loved this man with every piece and part of me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. My heart opened up to him fully and completely, and that's how it ended up so shattered. But I don't regret loving him. I don't regret giving him every part of me. Because I did love right. There is no shame in that. If you aren't willing to give it everything, including the ability to destroy you, then you aren't all in and you can't call it love. I did that. He didn't.

So yes, I'm fully aware that I hurt while he doesn't. That I'm picking up shattered pieces of my heart while he's already on to his next conquest. That our broken marriage matters infinitely more to me than it ever did to him. That I have to heal from all the damage he did to me, while he doesn't even think of me, because I didn't matter to him.

But it's because I did love right. I meant it. All of it. He didn't. 

And I can live with that. I'm at peace with that. And it's what allows me to move forward knowing I'll be ok.

Because in the end, I lost someone who hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, used me, abandoned me, and tried to destroy me. He lost someone who loved him with absolutely everything that she had.

So tell me, who really lost?



Monday, July 10, 2017

3 Months Ago

3 months ago, my world fell apart.

3 months ago, my life also started.

How is it possible that those 2 things can co-exist? I didn't believe it myself, until it happened.

By now, anyone who knows me at all is aware of a few simple facts:

1. Instead of divorcing my husband last year, I let him talk me into giving him another chance, leaving behind my friends and family and life, and moving to North Carolina with him for a "fresh start".

2. Before we ever even actually made it to North Carolina, my husband once again proved that he was exactly the same person that I had tried to divorce the first time, with physical violence beyond anything he had done before. But at that point, I felt trapped in my decision, and like I couldn't stop the momentum of the path I was on. So, I still went to NC. 

3. That decision to leave Texas and move to North Carolina cost me a lot. Mostly, friendships with people who had my back since Day 1, who simply couldn't believe I was actively putting myself into such a volatile situation away from everyone and everything I knew. Even those who tried to support me did so with cautious optimism, hoping it would work out but still gravely concerned for me.

4. It took about 8 months on a roller coaster, but in the end, nothing had changed. The man I was married to was still exactly the same, or even worse, than the person I had tried to divorce a year plus ago. This time, he proved it beyond anything I could ignore. Though, for my own security and sanity, I really REALLY wanted to pretend that what was right in front of me actually wasn't. But there comes a point where the truth is going to come out, no matter how much you try to hide from it. 3 months ago was that point for me.

I will share more of my story later on, because I truly believe it deserves to be told. Right now, however, that has been complicated by the fact that there are multiple pending criminal cases that need to be resolved, as well as a new divorce case. So while I am perfectly within my rights to share truth as I see fit, I also want to make sure that justice is served and that I am safe, protected, and not at risk by doing so. Because my husband's lawyers have tried to take this blog, my anonymous safe haven to share my thoughts and ideas and stories and truth, and twist it into something else.

But in the meantime - I CAN say this:

My life both ended and started 3 months ago, when the agonizing truth that who my husband has been is who he will always be, came raining down on me in spades. I lost myself in him, and I found myself in finally gathering the courage to stand up to him. I am able to walk away from my marriage knowing that I did absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Even long after I should have stopped trying, I tried. I poured my entire heart and soul into that man, and the fact that he is incapable of loving another person is a reflection of his own failings, not mine.

3 months ago, I realized that what I have to offer this world is worth so much more than he let me believe.

3 months ago, I discovered that, despite what he told me for years, I actually can live without him, and I will be ok.

3 months ago, I lost the person who I loved with every ounce of my being - but that was also the day that I began loving myself again.

3 months ago, my life ended. And my life began. And I'm so grateful that it did.