Thursday, March 23, 2017

On My Terms

I realized something at 2 AM this morning. Something I should’ve known a long time ago. Something that will inevitably change the course of my life.

He will never love me as much as he loves himself.



No matter what I do or don’t do, say or don’t say. No matter how much I sacrifice, how many times I give him another chance, or how many tears I cry, begging him to just HEAR me.


None of that ever has nor ever will make him truly love me.

And there is nothing I can do to make him.


And that’s what I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life trying to do. I’ve been trying to force someone to love me who, simply, won’t.


I have given every piece of myself, trying to be enough for someone. A year ago, I thought I would die without him. And I went back, to try again. To prove that I was strong enough and good enough and just… enough, for him.


I never will be. Because he doesn’t love me. Not really. Because you don’t destroy someone you love, and he is hell bent on destroying me.


This is the first thing I’ve ever failed at. No, really. I’ve always been able to work hard enough, be smart enough, and have enough “get it the fuck done” that I’ve managed to will pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted into existence in some form or fashion.

But you can’t force someone to love you who simply isn’t able to love anyone but himself.


Sure, he’ll stay as long as I want him to. He’ll be a part of this marriage, to the extent it benefits him. He’ll let me continue to break myself into pieces for him. But he won’t love me. Not really.


And that’s not enough anymore. So this goodbye is on MY terms.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's a Shit Day...

I woke up in a TERRIBLE fucking mood this morning.

Don't get me wrong. I will never be a morning person. Ever. People that jump out of bed like Mary fucking Poppins with a smile on their face need to be throat punched, in my opinion. I'm like "Calm the fuck down until I've had coffee and adderall and the clock says at LEAST 9 am. Or maybe 10, just to be safe". But most of the time I can at least maintain some semblance of control over myself, even when it's earlier than I'd like to be awake.

But today I woke up actually pissed off. For absolutely no reason. Just woke up in a shit mood.

And it's gotten progressively worse.

My 5:30 workout with my trainer usually helps alleviate stress and gets the day off to a good start. Today? Nope. Even she called me out on being a total bitch. Deserved. Totally deserved.

Coffee isn't fixing my problem. Adderall isn't fixing my problem. Damn it, I even tried EATING something, thinking maybe my blood sugar was fucked up or my antibiotics were fucking with me.

Nothing is working. I'm still stabby as fuck. Like, people are going out of their way to avoid me. And I don't even remotely blame them.

I can't pinpoint my bitch mode on any one thing. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and overwhelmed. There's a lot happening in life right now, not the least of which is as follows:

I miss the hell out of my boys. One is with his dad, the other is at camp. I just want them home and with me.

I miss my marriage. Not the current, fucked up, destroy me relationship I have now, but the incredible man I married 3 years ago. He was my biggest supporter and my favorite person. I miss that, desperately.

I'm over judgemental people. If that's you... fuck off.

I'm being forced to start figuring out some serious life changes, even though I'm not ready to be making these decisions.

I'm just BLAH. And I need to snap the fuck out of it.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Friday, June 17, 2016

I Hate You, I Love You

In case you're wondering where my life is at the moment. This pretty much sums it up. 

I tried, again. I thought maybe, just maaaaybe, he meant it when he said he realized he lost the best thing in his life. That maybe he was sincere when he said he'd fight for me, and step up, and be a man, and do whatever it took to keep me.
He didn't.
What he meant was he wanted to go back to the exact.same.shit. He wanted me to take another ride onthe crazy merry-go-round. Except this time he wants to live his own life in his own place in another state, and come home maybe 1 night a week to play house. But in the meantime, he wants me to do all the things I did before (pay for/take care of the entire household, do all the wifey things, etc) AND he wants me to sit at home like a puppy waiting from him to call me for 3 minutes at a time whenever he can pull himself away from whatever his current entertainment is.
So yea, I'm still an idiot. And I still give someone who will never deserve it WAY too much credit.
Sometimes, all you can do it forget about what you want, realize what the fuck you need, and run as fast as you can away from the thing that is destroying you.
I'll post more later, because right now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces from the latest destruction. Just because you know it's coming doesn't make it suck less.
Eventually you learn, or you die. Either one sounds infinitely better than the current situation.