Monday, November 30, 2009

OH, and P.S.

I just found out that Beth got MARRIED on October 16th to that idiot drug dealer she's been dating for the last 8 years.

Somehow, she didn't seem to think that this was important enough information to personally share with her older sister.

My parents only found out a week or so ago.

So my little sis, who used to be my best friend, got married.

To a loser.

Without her family.

Without a dress.

Without a real ceremony.

Without even bothering to tell anyone.

I'm pretty pissed about this.

Because she is sooooo much better than that. Than HIM.

And she just threw her life away.

Missing Home

Wow... so I am incredibly homesick right now. My parents being here, and celebrating Thanksgiving, and decorating for Christmas and spending time as a family made me miss having that close at hand whenever I want it. Throw in bad PMS, low blood sugar, a total breakdown by my 5 year old over his daddy, and unpacking all the ornaments that my grandma made for me before she died, and you have one huge homesick, emotional mess.

I really am. I just spent the last 2 hours crying with my mom over life, home, family, hurts, things I can't change, things I wish I could...

Now where am I homesick for?

That's the thing, it's not a WHERE. It's a WHAT.

Sure, I miss Fort Collins, and all the people there. I miss the CCC Holiday concert, the Lincoln Center Christmas Tree Gallery, meeting up with all my friends in Old Town, Christmas Eve services at Timberline, watching the snow fall, skiing, sledding, making snowmen and hot chocolate, and spending time at the cabin. All of those things are near and dear to my heart. But that's not why I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for that sense of belonging. The feeling that where you are is where you should be. That you have found your "place" in life. I desperately want that sense of community and family and relationship. To feel like my deepest throughts and feelings matter to others, and that I have someone to turn to and lean on. Friends and family and truly deep meaningful relationships. That's what is missing in my life right now. And that is what I need. A place can't give me that. A single person can't give me that. I'm not even sure what can...

I don't know where life is headed. I don't know what happens next. And I really don't know how or where I'm going to be able to cure the homesickness that I'm feeling. Just going back to Colorado won't do it. I know that. It's more than that. It's deeper than that. And I'm really trying to figure it out.

But for now, emotional breakdown over for this evening, and my parents flying out at 6 AM, I am going to try to get some rest.

Tomorrow is another day to try to find the answers...

Monday, November 23, 2009

It's ON

So the countdown is ON... my parents will be here in less than 24 hours. And I, to say the least, am STRESSED. I've been working like crazy trying to make sure that my house is, well, honestly, as close to perfect as possible. KK has been having some serious 5 year old meltdowns, almost on a daily basis, much like the ones he had when we first moved to Texas. I so had hoped we were past this, but I also understand that it's his way of dealing with change and protecting himself. And what is Bri's life if not constantly changing? On top of that, I have a boss who I'm absolutely SURE is bipolar, and at the moment we're on the really not fun side of that. Plus I'm dealing with respect issues from employees. Being the youngest in the company and one of 3 females surrounded by testosterone can make for a very difficult work environment, especially when I'm the boss. I feel like it's an uphill battle to gain these guys' respect sometimes. To top it off, some ghosts from my past have decided to reappear randomly, which always makes for a great time. So between fighting those off and fighting a cold, I am exhausted.

Now don't get me wrong... I don't hate my life by any means. And what I'm dealing with at the moment is a cakewalk compared to the struggles I was having a few months ago. As a general rule, life is good. It's just these last couple of days all of these things fell on my shoulders at once, and it's pretty tiring. But I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I have handled far worse multiple times. (Not that I'm asking for the challenge again - REALLY Lord, this is plenty!)

I'm really excited for my parents to be here. It's been a long time since I've seen them. But I always feel like I have something to prove when they are around. Somehow, I go from being a strong, independent, stable 25 year old to feeling like I'm 15 and in high school again. Except this time I actually care about their approval! I just want to be able to show them that I've succeeded, that I'm doing ok, and that my life really is good. Last time they were here, that wasn't the case at all. I was, to say the least, in one of the darkest times of my life. And they got a front row seat to my personal hell and subsequent self destruction. So now I want to show them how different things really are. I'm not exactly sure how a spotless house and perfect meal do that, but in my mind, it's a start at least. I guess I just feel inadequate a lot of the time. Like I'm not good enough, not doing enough, not being enough. And having my parents come just increases those fears that I have. Those are issues I need to figure out - and are definately for another day.

The last 6 months have included a TON of change and transition for JC and KK and me. JC has recently taken to calling us the 3 musketeers, which I have to admit I love. Those 2 precious boys are what make it all worth it. They are my reason for getting up in the morning. I love that despite all the mistakes I've made, as a mother and as a person, they still look up to me and trust me to care for them. It's so humbling to know that I am who they depend on, and who they love and trust. There have been some super rough times, but there have been some great ones too. Enjoy the pics :)

KK and JC at an Astros game in July

My boys at the Houston Zoo

Mario and Megatron... I wanted them to do matching outfits SO badly.
They totally refused. No idea where that stubborness comes from!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thankful Thursday

We are a WEEK from Thanksgiving... I can't BELIEVE how time flies... It feels like only a few weeks ago that we were in the throws of summer, trying to survive in 110 degree weather and hanging out by the pool every weekend in search of relief. Now we're only 35 days away from Christmas!

So, in the soon to be Thanksgiving spirit, I am thankful for...

  • having my motorcycle back and semi-working! So the situation isn't ideal, but it could be SO much worse. At least I have the ability to take it out of my garage and on a ride, and it's only going to get better! YAY!

  • my parents coming for Thanksgiving. I realize that people who know me think that's CRAZY, but it's really true. I am super excited about getting to spend time with my parents. We have gotten a lot closer over the last year, and I'm grateful for that too. (And guess what - for the record, it wasn't them that changed)

  • Google. I really don't know how I would survive without being able to look things up on the internet or my phone at any given second. I'm totally spoiled by technology, and I LOVE it.

  • the way that God works in unexpected ways. I had no idea what was just around the corner, and it's amazing what happens when you just learn to trust and follow. God loves his children, and wants what is absolutely best for them. I love that!

  • hot bubble baths. It's my way of relaxing and getting myself together and just being able to take a deep breath. Actually, after those couple days this summer, I'm grateful for ALL hot water. And electricity.

Life truly is beautiful. Sometimes you just have to look beneath the surface to find it!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

No Man Can Ever Love You Like Jesus...

"No Man Can Ever Love You Like Jesus"

Those were the most profound words I have heard in a while. So simple, but so true. Those were the words that Pastor Ryan spoke today. After an entire sermon about "What Women Want".

As a woman, I long for intimacy and connection and security. I want to feel that connection on a verbal, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. I have spent SO much time looking for a man who could be ALL of those things. Who could give me all of those connections all the time.


Can you imagine trying to be all those things for one person? To be their "everything"? To be their sole source of intimacy and connection and security? That would be exhausting. Yet it's what I've expected.

And every man has failed. Shocking.

A man can't be my Jesus? Really? LOL. Of course not. I've just tried to make him that. And then been hurt and angry and disappointed when he has inevitably failed.

No man can fill those holes in my heart. No man can give me complete and total intimacy and security. No man can love me the way I long to be loved. Only Jesus.

If I search for Him to fill my heart and soul, then the rest will fall into place. I will no longer hold men to a standard that they can't possibly meet. Even the good ones. Even the ones who think they can.

It's about just letting go and letting God. And in that, there is perfect love. Perfect security. Perfect trust. And all I have to do is simply accept that. Today and always. And it will be enough.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday -

  • I am thankful for tanning beds. Ridiculously thankful for them actually. Because they are the only 20 minutes out of my day that get to forget about everything else and just relax. I LIVE for those 20 minutes. Is that sad?
  • I am thankful for funny movies. I love being able to just let everything in reality go for an hour and enjoy the smiles and laughs of comedy. Laughter is good for the soul and I appreciate it!
  • I am thankful for my mother. She is an amazing woman, and I have learned a lot from her. I know that I put her through ridiculous amounts of craziness and heartache, and I appreciate her every moment.
  • I am thankful for my new truck. I LOVE it. It's fantastic to have my own vehicle that I adore driving. Yay for God taking the bad things and creating good out of it.
  • I'm still thankful for frozen chocolate and comfy beds. It's the little things in life...
  • I'm thankful for country music - I can so relate. The lyrics are awesome, the music is great.
  • I thankful for sleep - which I'm about to enjoy! Goodnight!

Monday, November 9, 2009


My heart is searching... I can feel it...

I went on a date tonight. And I was so attracted to the guy... and then I sat back and started to think about why... It's because he reminds me in way many ways of Jon. This in itself is certainly not a bad thing. The personality, the looks, the views on life, everything. It was like my heart has been trying to fill that empty space that was created when Jon left me. And while it wasn't a total fit, it was similar to what had been there.

The fact that I realize this is both good and bad I suppose... good because I see myself desperately trying to get Jon back. Maybe not him exactly, but what he was to me. I want his essence. I want to feel the way I used to felt...

It's bad because I know this, but I don't care. The pain is still outweighing the ability to not do it. I want so badly to feel what I felt before, that I'm honestly willing to do whatever it takes most of the time.

I'm wanting to feel complete and loved and whole. But I don't. And I KNOW that I will only find that when I put my faith completely in God. But I've known that for years. And still done it my way.

I need to learn to just be. Be still. Be patient. Be content.

Just BE.

That is so hard for me, because I want it right now. I want to know what is going to happen and how I'm going to get there. I want a road map with the entire route marked out. But God is just sitting back and waiting.

Just BE.

I don't know if this is true for everyone... in fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. But I believe that my Father will not allow me to have that amazing, lasting, true love human relationship until I am content simply in my relationship with him. And I hate that. And he knows it. Because the desire of my heart is to be loved and whole and complete. God gave me those desires, but he wants me to satisfy them with Him. No man can do it. But for some reason, I keep trying to find one that will anyway.

Just BE.

I'm trying to surrender. I'm trying to learn the contentness of resting in God's arms. I'm trying. But the truth is, I haven't a clue how. But I've decided that at least admitting that is a good first step. I know where I need to be, but I haven't any idea, or the will most of the time, to get there.

Just BE.

The desires of my heart are God-given. Security, safety, true love, contentness, happiness, a life partner, feeling like I matter... all of those things are good. It's just the way I go about filling them that causes the problems.

God wants to give me the desires of my heart... but he wants to do it in the way that is BEST for me. Not the way that I think he should. So I have to learn to step back, let him take the wheel, and trust that he's going to take me exactly where I need to be... And all I need to do is...

Just BE.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday... honestly, I'm not feeling very thankful right now. Which is exactly why I need to do this. I need to put aside my frustration and exhaustion and lonliness, and simply appreciate the goodness in my life... Here goes...

I'm thankful that I have a good job that provides for my family. I'm blessed to be where I am, and am grateful to be able to earn a good living for my boys and myself.

I'm thankful that my motorcycle is almost fixed. I'm so ready to jump on and feel the wind against my body as I'm rushing down the road at full speed. It's one of those things that just makes me feel ALIVE. And happy. I'm so glad that it will be fixed soon.

I'm thankful for caffeine. In many forms. I really am. I'm not sure how I would manage to get through such long and completely exhausting days without my coffee and coke and 5 hour energy. YAY for caffeine highs - even if they are temporary and I'm pretty sure I'm addicted.

I'm thankful for the differences in my children. I appreciate how the 2 of them see the world through entirely different perspectives, and are growing into 2 very different people. I'm grateful to be the one to help develop and shape those personalities. I'm also very thankful that children are resilient, and that my many mistakes and mis-steps have not broken them.

I'm thankful for darkness coming early. It helps me to get the boys in bed earlier, and gives me a chance to finally sleep a little bit. Sleep is so foreign to me these days, that I truly appreciate every single moment of it.

I'm thankful that my heart is capable of true love. That I've experienced the awe and wonder and excitement of giving my heart and soul to another person. I'm grateful to know what that feels like, because when it comes again, I'll be ready.

I'm thankful for funny movies, frozen chocolates, nice weather, amazingly soft sheets, and an Ipod full of great music.

It's amazing what happens when you get outside yourself and simply look at all the good things around you. Sometimes I can be so self absorbed that I miss the blessings that God is trying to give me. Oftentimes it's when I step back and take a breath of fresh air, and just say "thank you" instead of trying to make things go the way I think they should, that they start to fall exactly into place.

Life really is good today.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Endings Are Sad...

I've been fighting writing this one... I've known I needed to since way before I started a blog. In order to embark on a new beginning, there must first be an end. But the goodbye is the difficult part. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...

I have had many endings in my life. I've ended relationships, ended school, ended a marriage, ended a life in Colorado... My most painful ending thus far in my life has been the end of the first and only true love that I've ever known.

6 months ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was engaged to the man I wanted to spend my life with. For the first time, I had wholly and completely given my heart away. For years I believed that I was incapable of loving someone with everything that I am. Jon showed me that it is possible, and wonderful, and scary, and worth it every minute.

5 months ago, my life fell apart. I honestly believed it was over. The day that Jon left, I felt my entire existence go with him. I never thought that I would love someone enough that I would go with them. Not just a piece of me, but ME. Every dream, every hope, every part of what I thought made me the person that I am.

I begged Jon to come back. I begged God to make him. I cried myself to sleep every single night for months. I tried to get him back. Then I tried to replace him with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other men. And then, slowly...very slowly... I started to let go. I stopped saying "please" to God, and started saying "thank you".

I am learning gratitude. I am learning to be thankful for every moment I had with Jon. I'm learning to appreciate that he taught me how to love someone so fully and completely. Until I met Jon, I was so broken. He helped me to heal. He helped me to see that who I was isn't who I always have to be. He saw a better person than I was. And even when I proved him wrong by showing him the worst possible version of myself, he still believed. I'm thankful everyday that I was privelaged to love a man who loved me so much. I'm grateful for the time I spent in his arms, because for the first time in my life, I felt contentment, and grace, and true love. I thank God that when I saw my reflection in Jon's eyes, for the first time in my entire life, I saw a woman that was enough. A woman that was whole, and happy, and beautiful. I truly believe that God allowed Jon to come into my life to show me his own love for me. And he allowed him to leave my life as well. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...

So now the challenge has become not only to say goodbye, but to allow God to wrap me in HIS arms, and give me the peace and comfort and wholeness that I found when I was in Jon's. I made Jon my savior. I made him my everything. And I understand now that no human can meet those expectations. I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for him, because in my eyes he was my jesus.

I have to remind myself daily that God's perfect plan for me is not the same as my heart's desire. My heavenly Father longs to give me the desires of my heart, but I must learn to trust him and allow him to mold those desires into his will. I can give him my tears, and my hurts, and my broken heart. I know that he, in his own perfect timing, will take the pain. Because I've run from it for too long. And no matter how fast I run, pain can always run faster.

This ending still hurts. I still miss him, every single day. But I'm so thankful that my heart has been opened to love and I've had the opportunity to experience it. I'm also thankful for a Father that is bigger than my hurts. I've learned how to love. I've also learned to be loved, without condition and pretense. And now, I simply have to complete the goodbye. Until I let him go, I will never be free... fortunately I have a patient Father who is gently nudging, and slowly helping me to losen my grasp.

Beginnings are hard...Endings are usually sad... but it's the middle that counts the most.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Beginnings Are Hard...

So I have been meaning to create my own blog for a long time now. It was on one of those "to do" lists that I kept intending to accomplish, yet somehow it kept getting misplaced or forgotten or honestly, I was just too dang exhausted to care. But today is KK's 5th birthday. And I woke up this morning wondering how in the world my baby was five. Where did the time go? How have 5 years come and gone? I feel like so much of it has been a blur. So I decided that today is the day that I am going to take the time to write, and reflect, and try to put into some order the chaos that is my life.
I may not have any epic stories. I am not the most eloquent and experienced writer. But I'm hoping that by simply allowing the thoughts in my head to come through my fingertips and on to the screen in front of me, then maybe I will be able to help bring order to the insanity, clarity to the confusion, and possibly find some answers that I have been looking for. Or, at the least, share with others my personal struggles and triumphs and not feel so alone in either. And in the end, isn't that really what blogging is all about anyway? Knowing that your story, your life, matters to someone? Putting your personal experiences out there so that a piece of you is able to be seen by others? Allowing another person into your world and giving them a glimpse of your life? And maybe in the midst of it all, finding comfort in knowing that you aren't alone?
Life never takes the turns you expect... I think those unexpected turns is where I will start my blogging experience. But not tonight. Tonight is simply the beginning. It is the reminder that we must "Plant our own gardens and decorate our own souls". Because it is doing those things, the little things that create the person that we are, that we will grow and change and figure out who it is that we want to be.
So my hope is that this blog will see growth and change that reflects the same in my life. I'm working hard to do more that just be. I'm beginning to decorate my own soul. To be the woman and mother and person that God intended me to be. And I'm excited and passionate and hopeful. I'm keeping my head up and my eyes open, watching for what is just around the bend.
And I would love to have some company on this journey.
This is just the beginning...