Monday, March 14, 2016

Oh But My Darling, What If You Fly?

Sometimes you don't get what you want.

Sometimes life falls apart, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight, or pray, or work, things just don't go the way you hoped.

This is my life right now.

I wanted my marriage. I WANT my marriage. When I said "I do", I meant every word. I meant that no matter what, I was commited to my husband. Through the good, the bad, the ups, the downs, the ugly, the painful.

I honestly never thought I would get married again after my first marriage. To be fair, neither did anyone else. I was too jaded, and hurt, and guarded to ever go down that road again.

And then, my husband happened. He walked into my life completely unexpectedly and turned it upside down. And for the FIRST time, I seriously considered the idea of marriage again.

I spent a lot of time thinking about why my first marriage didn't work. It was a lot of things, but mostly it boiled down to 2 things - We were too immature and young, and more importantly, neither of us understood the idea of commitment. We were both in it until it wasn't fun anymore, until we didn't "feel in love" anymore, and then we bailed.

So, the only way I was willing to marry again was with the full understanding that marriage is a commitment you don't walk away from. Even on the days you don't feel like it. Even on the days the other person pisses you off to no end. Even on the days you would rather do anything else.

I thought my husband understood that. I thought we were on that same page. And that's why I was willing to marry him.

Obviously, I was very wrong.

I've spent months now fighting for someone who didn't want to be there. I've done everything I know to do to make a marriage work. I've put everything I have into this. I believed in the commitment we made. I still do. Unfortunately though, I'm the only one.

He decided it wasn't fun anymore, and he bailed. He stuck around long enough to get what he wanted from me, and then moved on to other things.

Was I perfect? Absolutely not. Was I willing to do whatever I could to make him happy and be the person he needed? Absolutely.

But you can't fight for a marriage when the other person has already given up. Trust me, I've tried.

Am I ok today? Nope. Not even kind of.

Will I be ok? Yes. Eventually.

I know now that I am capable of loving someone completely. Committing to someone completely. Growing and changing and learning with someone. Being in a partnership. I know that my heart is capable of that kind of love, because I did it. And eventually, I will again.

This will not break me. I gave my best fight, and I lost. But that doesn't mean my life is over.

It will go on. I will be okay.

I got a tattoo not too long ago, and it's more fitting now than ever.

It comes from a poem by Erin Hanson:

There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?

Life is about standing on the edge, making choices, and fighting the best fight you can.

And I WILL fly.

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