Tuesday, May 3, 2016

New Adventures... Hard Choices...

So, when my husband left/lied/cheated/destroyed me (take your pick, it's all accurate) I was completely convinced that my life was over. Permanently. That I would never smile again. Laugh again. Know happiness or love, ever again.

I was dramatic. And I was wrong.

At the time, it felt 100% real though. And my instinct was to run away, because that's what I do best. When things get too hard, I take off and don't look back. I always have. That's how I ended up moving across the US multiple times. It's also how I ended up travelling around Europe, spending a crazy weekend in Cabo, St Patty's Day in NYC, etc. etc. etc. Basically, I leave a lot.

So, naturally, my first thought when my world crumbled was "RUN". Far and fast. And permanently. I immediately started looking for options - jobs, houses, etc. - in St Louis, Colorado, California, Austin, anywhere but here. I was ready to drop everything and just go, because it seemed so much less painful than staying and facing this.

But here's the thing - I have a life here. I have stability here. I have a house. A job. And, most importantly, I have family.

Not biological family - in that sense, I am very much on my own in Texas. But friends who have become my family with their love, support, and "never give up on me" way of life.

These are people who have been in my life since long before I ever met my husband. These are the people who have watched me grow up, supported my goals, and been by my side through the good and bad, to celebrate the fun times and to help me pick up the pieces when my world crumbles.

And I decided I'm not running from that. Instead, I'm embracing that.

My husband has taken SO damn much from me with his sociopathic lies and manipulation. I'm not going to let him take my security. My stability. My friends. My LIFE.

I realized pretty quickly how raw I was as a result of all of this. And because of that, making any big life decisions from a point of devastation was a terrible idea. So, I put myself in a 6 month "time out".

From the day he left, I'm not making any major changes for 6 months. No moving, no running, no tattooing my entire body or joining a nunnery. Because anything I do will likely be from a place of hurt, of anger, of fear, or of revenge. And none of those are good things to base huge life changes on.

Instead, I'm focusing on making myself better. On physically, mentally, and emotionally improving myself. My current world revolves around the things, people, and experiences that heal my heart and fill my soul. That make me feel stronger, happier, more stable, and loved.

The best part is that it's working. I have amazing people in my life and, as a result, have the opportunity to be a part of incredible experiences. I'm taking care of ME. There is so much positive. So much good. So much healing.

I realize that no matter what, I will always be okay. This would've been the thing to break me, if anything was ever going to.

But it didn't. I'm still here. I'm still breathing. And more than that, I'm thriving. Because I get to do the things that are good for me, instead of sacrificing my needs so that someone else can follow their dreams, which ultimately didn't include me anyway.

The 6 months is going by quickly. I have a lot of events and activities planned that allow me to focus on friends and happiness and continue to build my physical, mental, and emotional strength. Before I know it, I will be out of "time out" and then I can start to decide what comes next with a clear head and an open heart.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know what my future holds. But I know the people that will be by my side as I figure it all out. I know there will be love and adventure and excitement and hard work. I know I will fall again, and I will get up. I will fail, and I will succeed.

And I know that nothing and no one can break me.

Because he didn't.

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