I've discovered something incredibly interesting as of late.
This probably shouldn't be much of a revelation, but to me, it really is.
I've learned that fundamentally, my husband hates who I am as a person.
I'm not entirely sure how I didn't catch this before. Cuz it kinda seems like one of those things that should come up before you wife someone up.
However, it's still the truth. My delay in figuring it out doesn't make it less accurate.
My husband hates that I'm outgoing and social and open and free. He hates that I enjoy big crowds, loud bars, crazy parties, and being surrounded by people. He hates that I'm passionate, about everything that matters to me. He hates that I'm a control freak with ADD. He hates that I spend hours on meticulous details, and then throw it all out the window at the last second to just go with whatever feels right at the moment. He hates that I don't know exactly what I want next, but I'm always pursuing something, never ready to settle for what I have. He hates that I expect so much from myself and those around me instead of allowing mediocrity. He hates that I'm better at walking away from something in the moment, and then figuring it out with music and writing, instead of battling it out then and there. He hates that "finding myself" means a motorcycle and biker rallies one day, church on Sunday, and pasties and music festivals the next. He hates that I will NEVER be the girl who can sit at home and wait for something - if I want something, I go get it. He hates that I can love and hate something in the same day, or sometimes the same minute. He hates that my emotions come in waves, and can crash into whatever is in the way.
This list could go on, and on, and on.
I've spent the better part of the last year hearing about ALL of the things he hates so much about me and how they aren't ok. And it's not stuff like "you leave wet towels on the floor" (which I'm totally guilty of, by the way) or "You don't ever want to have sex with me" (which would be a legit issue we should work on). Nope. Instead he's been chipping away at the core of who I am. Telling me how not ok who I am is. And I've been believing him. And trying to change it.
But here's the thing -
All those things that he hates so much? It's what makes me, ME.
And I'm starting to like that girl.