Wednesday, March 2, 2016

You Don't Have That Kind Of Power

Today, I'm ok.

It's funny how completely removing yourself from a situation gives you a new perspective, because you can see all of it, instead of being stuck in the middle with limited views.

I have been so caught up in trying to make things work with someone who SO VERY CLEARLY didn't want the same thing.

I wanted stability, continuity, someone I could depend on, a partnership, a lover, a best friend, someone to explore the world with, someone who's shoulder I could cry on when I had a rough day, a man who would love me and fight for me, and we would always have each other's backs, always be a team, and take on the world together.

That's not even kind of what I got.

I got someone that I had to take care of financially. Someone who saw no problem with me having to literally pawn things to make ends meet while he continued to not contribute anything and use the little money he made to take care of himself first. I had someone who would only think of his own needs every single time, and only after those were met did anyone else's mattered. Someone who runs away (literally) every time he doesn't get his way or there is an argument he doesn't want to deal with. Someone who gets so drunk he puts his own and others people's safety in danger, yet doesn't think he has a problem. Someone who doesn't even know how to take responsibility for anything, or say "I'm sorry". Someone who believes that getting by doing the absolute minimum is acceptable. Someone who has never had to face difficulty because he knows there will always be another person to deal with things when he doesn't. Someone who puts his hands on a woman while drunk, more than once, and still doesn't think that alcohol is a problem. Someone who is content to walk away without a word because he finally got where he wanted to be and now he can do what he wants with no responsibility. Someone who lies to everyone, including himself, so much that I don't think he even knows that the truth is. Someone who refuses to accept criticism of any kind, no matter now qualified the person it is coming from is. Someone who wants to never grow up, never have responsibility, and never know what it truly means to have a partner in life. Someone who is so desperate to please his father (who is arguably one of the most narcissistic, manipulative people I have EVER met) that he will sacrifice anyone else that matters.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But the fights I started between us were because I wanted to know I could depend on him, that we were team, that he would always be there to face things WITH me. I wanted to sleep next to my husband at night and see him every day, because I was crazy in love with him. I wanted to know that I mattered to him, and that he considered me in his decisions. I wanted to know that I wasn't giving all of myself to him, and then would end up alone.

Which was exactly what happened. So, my concerns were warranted.

It's not like this is a total shock. I should've known it was coming when he left every time there was an argument. I should've known when he told me "I love flying more than I love you". I should've known when he took a job in another state without consulting me. I should've known when he couldn't even make 15 minutes a day to talk to me. I should've known. And on some level I did - which is why I tried so desperately to hold on to him, thus all the fights.

I am independent, stable, and secure. I don't need him. I can do just fine on my own, and have for a long time. But I was desperately, wholly, completely in love with him. And I needed things from him. Safety, security, affection, time. I wanted to combine every part of my life with his. I sacrificed a lot, and was willing to sacrifice even more to allow him to follow his dreams. I just needed to know he was IN it, that he truly loved me, and that he wasn't going to just leave when he got what he wanted.

But he did. And I'm picking up pieces. I got used. Badly. I know that now.

I still love him with all of my heart. That isn't going to go away any time soon.

But I've also decided that it's time to love myself. To respect myself. To not allow him to break me down and make me feel bad for having needs.

So it hurts, yes. It sucks that he never cared, yes. It sucks that I was blinded by love and got completely used. It sucks that I have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, yes.

But I will be okay. Because, darling, you didn't break me. You don't have that kind of power.

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