Missing Home

Wow... so I am incredibly homesick right now. My parents being here, and celebrating Thanksgiving, and decorating for Christmas and spending time as a family made me miss having that close at hand whenever I want it. Throw in bad PMS, low blood sugar, a total breakdown by my 5 year old over his daddy, and unpacking all the ornaments that my grandma made for me before she died, and you have one huge homesick, emotional mess.

I really am. I just spent the last 2 hours crying with my mom over life, home, family, hurts, things I can't change, things I wish I could...

Now where am I homesick for?

That's the thing, it's not a WHERE. It's a WHAT.

Sure, I miss Fort Collins, and all the people there. I miss the CCC Holiday concert, the Lincoln Center Christmas Tree Gallery, meeting up with all my friends in Old Town, Christmas Eve services at Timberline, watching the snow fall, skiing, sledding, making snowmen and hot chocolate, and spending time at the cabin. All of those things are near and dear to my heart. But that's not why I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for that sense of belonging. The feeling that where you are is where you should be. That you have found your "place" in life. I desperately want that sense of community and family and relationship. To feel like my deepest throughts and feelings matter to others, and that I have someone to turn to and lean on. Friends and family and truly deep meaningful relationships. That's what is missing in my life right now. And that is what I need. A place can't give me that. A single person can't give me that. I'm not even sure what can...

I don't know where life is headed. I don't know what happens next. And I really don't know how or where I'm going to be able to cure the homesickness that I'm feeling. Just going back to Colorado won't do it. I know that. It's more than that. It's deeper than that. And I'm really trying to figure it out.

But for now, emotional breakdown over for this evening, and my parents flying out at 6 AM, I am going to try to get some rest.

Tomorrow is another day to try to find the answers...