My heart is searching... I can feel it...
I went on a date tonight. And I was so attracted to the guy... and then I sat back and started to think about why... It's because he reminds me in way many ways of Jon. This in itself is certainly not a bad thing. The personality, the looks, the views on life, everything. It was like my heart has been trying to fill that empty space that was created when Jon left me. And while it wasn't a total fit, it was similar to what had been there.
The fact that I realize this is both good and bad I suppose... good because I see myself desperately trying to get Jon back. Maybe not him exactly, but what he was to me. I want his essence. I want to feel the way I used to felt...
It's bad because I know this, but I don't care. The pain is still outweighing the ability to not do it. I want so badly to feel what I felt before, that I'm honestly willing to do whatever it takes most of the time.
I'm wanting to feel complete and loved and whole. But I don't. And I KNOW that I will only find that when I put my faith completely in God. But I've known that for years. And still done it my way.
I need to learn to just be. Be still. Be patient. Be content.
That is so hard for me, because I want it right now. I want to know what is going to happen and how I'm going to get there. I want a road map with the entire route marked out. But God is just sitting back and waiting.
I don't know if this is true for everyone... in fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. But I believe that my Father will not allow me to have that amazing, lasting, true love human relationship until I am content simply in my relationship with him. And I hate that. And he knows it. Because the desire of my heart is to be loved and whole and complete. God gave me those desires, but he wants me to satisfy them with Him. No man can do it. But for some reason, I keep trying to find one that will anyway.
I'm trying to surrender. I'm trying to learn the contentness of resting in God's arms. I'm trying. But the truth is, I haven't a clue how. But I've decided that at least admitting that is a good first step. I know where I need to be, but I haven't any idea, or the will most of the time, to get there.
The desires of my heart are God-given. Security, safety, true love, contentness, happiness, a life partner, feeling like I matter... all of those things are good. It's just the way I go about filling them that causes the problems.
God wants to give me the desires of my heart... but he wants to do it in the way that is BEST for me. Not the way that I think he should. So I have to learn to step back, let him take the wheel, and trust that he's going to take me exactly where I need to be... And all I need to do is...