I've been fighting writing this one... I've known I needed to since way before I started a blog. In order to embark on a new beginning, there must first be an end. But the goodbye is the difficult part. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...
I have had many endings in my life. I've ended relationships, ended school, ended a marriage, ended a life in Colorado... My most painful ending thus far in my life has been the end of the first and only true love that I've ever known.
6 months ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was engaged to the man I wanted to spend my life with. For the first time, I had wholly and completely given my heart away. For years I believed that I was incapable of loving someone with everything that I am. Jon showed me that it is possible, and wonderful, and scary, and worth it every minute.
5 months ago, my life fell apart. I honestly believed it was over. The day that Jon left, I felt my entire existence go with him. I never thought that I would love someone enough that I would go with them. Not just a piece of me, but ME. Every dream, every hope, every part of what I thought made me the person that I am.
I begged Jon to come back. I begged God to make him. I cried myself to sleep every single night for months. I tried to get him back. Then I tried to replace him with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other men. And then, slowly...very slowly... I started to let go. I stopped saying "please" to God, and started saying "thank you".
I am learning gratitude. I am learning to be thankful for every moment I had with Jon. I'm learning to appreciate that he taught me how to love someone so fully and completely. Until I met Jon, I was so broken. He helped me to heal. He helped me to see that who I was isn't who I always have to be. He saw a better person than I was. And even when I proved him wrong by showing him the worst possible version of myself, he still believed. I'm thankful everyday that I was privelaged to love a man who loved me so much. I'm grateful for the time I spent in his arms, because for the first time in my life, I felt contentment, and grace, and true love. I thank God that when I saw my reflection in Jon's eyes, for the first time in my entire life, I saw a woman that was enough. A woman that was whole, and happy, and beautiful. I truly believe that God allowed Jon to come into my life to show me his own love for me. And he allowed him to leave my life as well. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...
So now the challenge has become not only to say goodbye, but to allow God to wrap me in HIS arms, and give me the peace and comfort and wholeness that I found when I was in Jon's. I made Jon my savior. I made him my everything. And I understand now that no human can meet those expectations. I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been for him, because in my eyes he was my jesus.
I have to remind myself daily that God's perfect plan for me is not the same as my heart's desire. My heavenly Father longs to give me the desires of my heart, but I must learn to trust him and allow him to mold those desires into his will. I can give him my tears, and my hurts, and my broken heart. I know that he, in his own perfect timing, will take the pain. Because I've run from it for too long. And no matter how fast I run, pain can always run faster.
This ending still hurts. I still miss him, every single day. But I'm so thankful that my heart has been opened to love and I've had the opportunity to experience it. I'm also thankful for a Father that is bigger than my hurts. I've learned how to love. I've also learned to be loved, without condition and pretense. And now, I simply have to complete the goodbye. Until I let him go, I will never be free... fortunately I have a patient Father who is gently nudging, and slowly helping me to losen my grasp.
Beginnings are hard...Endings are usually sad... but it's the middle that counts the most.