I HATE HER.
Can I just say that? Well, I already did, so I guess if you aren't okay with it then too.damn.bad.
I've never met her. I probably never will. She has lots of friends, seems to work hard, and is probably a very decent person.
But I don't care.
I HATE HER.
And that is a completely immature, irrational, and judgemental way of doing things. But that's exactly the way that I'm going about it.
Why do I hate her? Good question.
Because she is the ex's new girlfriend. Although "new" is probably not the right word, since they have been together for over a year.
And it's not like he left me for her. It's not like he broke my heart by leaving. It's not like he packed up and moved out overnight.
It was ME who did those things. Granted, it was for good reason. He was cruel and abusive. Life was a rollercoaster. And when I was with him, I was the worst possible version of myself. And despite his promises to change, he didn't . So, I left.
Then, something crazy happened. He DID change. Of course, I haven't spent tons of time with him since I ran off to Texas, but I have seen him and talked to him and been around him (within the 1st year after I left) and he was a very different person. The angry, controlling, mean person that I knew was pretty much gone. When I brought this up, he said it was because of me. That he had lost the most important thing in his life because of the person he was, so he wanted to be someone better, mostly in hopes of winning me back. Obviously, that didn't happen, despite his best efforts spanning well over a year.
So he moved on. To her.
And now they are having a baby together. And living in the house he and I bought together. And enjoying a normal, happy life.
And I despise her for that. And it's totally ridiculous.
I could have had him if I wanted to. Hell, I still could if I put a little effort into it. But I don't want to be with him. That's not the point.
The point is that once again the same thing has happened: I find a guy that is completely screwed up, I deal with all his shit for an extended period of time, help him get his life together, turn him into a decent human being, and then watch him live happily ever after with someone else.
It really sucks.
And currently the best way to deal with that is to hate her. Her - the girl I've never met, who is now carrying his child and living with him, enjoying the life that I could've had and chose to walk away from. Although, if I hadn't left, he probably wouldn't have changed, and would still be that seriously screwed up person. Who knows. (You're welcome, ex!)
I don't miss him. I don't want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. It would just be nice if someday I managed to get the guy who someone else has already fixed, and that I just get to enjoy. Because this fixing men thing is exhausting.