I'm so missing those people in my life who accept me exactly as I am. With all my mistakes and issues and quirks. The people who truly know me, and love me anyways.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly be guarded, and keeping everything at an arms length to keep myself safe. I so miss those people who I can just be myself around. The ones who have known me for years. The ones who understand me, who get me.
I don't have those people here. And I so wish I did. I miss having my friends to just talk to, relate with, and do life with. It's hard doing things alone.
And I had NO idea how hard it can be to find true friends. I guess that's because the true friends I have are the people who have been in my life for years, since I was a kid. As children, we simply were who we were. Open to ideas and possibilities and things that were different than us. We each simply were who we were, without pretense or understanding that our innate personalities needed to be changed. This made it easy for kids to connect and get to know each other, and true friendships were formed.
Now, as adults we all have to work so hard to be the "perfect" whatever - mom, wife, employee, etc. Instead of being real with people, we have to make sure we project the image we want everyone to see. We create idealized versions of ourselves that have very little bearing in reality. That lack of authenticity makes true relationships nearly impossible.
I want to be real. And authentic. And get to know other people who are the same way. I want lasting friendships with true friends.
I guess that's a process though. So for now, I am SO incredibly grateful to be heading home for Christmas to the people who really know and love me.