That's it. I'm done. Putting up the white flag. Throwing in the towel.
I give up.
After spending the last 15 years of my life trying desperately to connect with my family, to build relationship, to feel loved and accepted, I have finally realized something -
It's not going to happen.
No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do. No matter how badly I want it.
It's simply not going to happen. Ever.
We will never be the family that enjoys closeness and sharing and understanding. We will never be the family that picks each other up when we fall and encourages each other to follow our dreams.
Our entire household was always built on guilt and shame and making others feel so bad that they did what you wanted, or at least quit fighting for what they wanted.
I can't do it anymore. I just can't. It's too exhausting. It's too painful.
It's emotionally unhealthy for me to keep trying. It really is. Being around my family makes me crazy. Seriously insane. And I hate it. It is a toxic relationship, and one that I have to get out of before I go down with the ship.
I love my parents. I love my sisters. Very much. But we have never had a bond or a closeness that families have. We have never been able to depend on one another. We've never been able to help each other pursue our dreams. Our relationships are based on conditional love and guilting others into giving them what they want. It's about constant rememberances of past failures and future grievances. It's about making the other person feel bad enough that they give in or give up.
Yet, I still feel guilty for walking away. The same guilt and shame that has been instilled in me since I was a young child is still there. I feel like I'm abandoning them. Not to mention that I'm terrified of being alone. Without my family I am - alone.
But that HAS to be better than living in a world where nothing I do will ever be good enough. It has to be an improvement over being constantly judged by people who are impossible to please. To feel like a failure because you can't live up to some unnamed expectations from the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. I assure you, the love is very conditional. I just haven't for the life of me been able to figure out what the conditions are. God knows I've tried.
So it's time to let go. It's time to stop being party to this insanity. It's time to say "Enough is enough".
I'm not talking about a family who simply can't get along from time to time. I'm talking about a family with serious deep seeded issues that have destroyed us as individuals as well as a unit - but that we managed to hide so well that often we could even convince ourselves of the lies.
I just can't do it anymore. I will never be healthy or sane while trying to live this way.
So, I quit.
I am walking away. Alone. On a journey to a life free of the guilt and shame and judgement I know so well.
I know there is more to life than this. And I hope someday, they will too.