Ok, deep breaths... lots of them...
In... Out... In... Out...
These last few days have been some really hard ones. It just seems like I can't finish dealing with one emotional rollercoaster before another takes off. And I'm struggling to maintain some semblance of sanity and not end up right where I was 6 months ago.
Can you believe it's been 6 months? On one side, it feels like yesterday that I was so torn apart I couldn't function. I can remember every emotion, every hurt, every way that I tried to cover it up and make it go away. (None of them worked, by the way)
One the other hand, it feels like an eternity since I had the life I did 6 months ago. Both the good and the bad. It's amazing how far I've come and how things have changed. Solely by the grace of God, I survived. There were days I probably shouldn't have.
But this isn't about 6 months ago. This is about today. It's about moving forward instead of going back. It's about finding some peace in all the chaos and trying to just breathe when I feel like I can't.
I'm really good at hiding things. I am an impeccable liar when I want to be. I can make anyone believe just about anything, and I can hide things that I don't want people to know for as long as I need to. These "skills" (I say that because I do know that these are not positive attributes) helped me get away with way more than I should have as a teenager and beyond. It hasn't been until recently that I have learned that just because I can get away with these things doesn't mean I should.
However, there are some secrets of my past that I am so ashamed of and guilt ridden over, that I've never felt I had any choice but to hide them from everyone. Not a single person in the world except those who were a part of the experience had any idea about the nightmare that I lived for a year.
That all changed yesterday. When it became front. page. news.
Let me tell you how much it sucks when the one thing you've spent the last 8 years of your life desperately trying to hide from everyone makes headlines in the morning paper.
It feels like someone ripped open my soul and exposed it for the entire world to see. One ugly detail at a time. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but sit back and watch it all unfold. I have a front row seat to my own demise. I get to witness my entire wall of secrets come crashing down and the awful truths behind them glaring out for everyone to see.
And frankly, I haven't been dealing with it well. At all.
A (few) stiff drinks and an abundance of pills, mixed with plenty of anger and hurt have been my weapon of choice for riding this out. Curling up under the covers and wishing it would go away has been playing an active role as well. Of course, these things are much better alternatives than facing this thing head on. Than dealing with it once and for all. Than talking to someone about all the things that I've kept hidden for the last 8 years.
Nope, I'll just continue to do it my way. Because I'm not ready to talk to someone or let them be there for me or deal with this disaster. I just can't.
You'd be surprised at all the things that time DOESN'T heal.