Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A Moment Of Absolute Honesty...

I've known that we were done since the moment things went so terribly wrong (again) back in April.
In fact, I knew it well before that.

I knew that I was in a marriage where I wasn't loved, respected, appreciated, or even considered. I knew that I was being cheated on, lied to, hurt, and used. I knew that I would continue to give, and he would continue to take. I knew that my husband was incapable of caring about anyone or anything but himself, his career, and his ego.

So why did I stay? Why did I keep trying, despite all of those things I was so keenly aware of?

I loved that man. With every fiber of my being. My world began and ended with him. He was my sun, my moon, my stars. My heaven and my hell. I used to tell him he was "it" for me, and I meant it. He was everything to me. I would have done anything for him, been anything for him, sacrificed anything for him.

And in a lot of ways, I did. I gave up me, for him. And didn't even regret it.

Until it became clear that it wasn't enough. That I would never be enough.

He didn't want a wife who adored him and was proud of him and helped support his dreams. That wasn't enough. Ever.

And I realized I couldn't compete with the pilot lifestyle that he just had to have. For him, it was about the uniform, the prestige, the girls throwing themselves at him, the partying in a different city every night, the "I'm a pilot" response that always got everyone's attention and made him feel important.

Don't get me wrong - I was SO proud of him. I worked my ass off too in order to help him get there, so I had a lot of pride in his accomplishments as well. I wanted him to succeed and grow as a pilot, to celebrate with him as his dreams came true. But, as impressive as it is, it's still a CAREER. And it shouldn't trump your marriage. But it did, every single time.

I tried so hard to get him to understand that... understand that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, if only he would just consider me, and show me that I was the one he loved and desired and needed. I sent him this article one time, hoping that maybe someone else's words would resonate with him when mine fell on deaf ears...

Dear Aviation Husband - Five Things I Need From You

I never even got an acknowledgment, let alone a response. I tried writing him emails, leaving him notes, having conversations, anything and everything I could to get through to him and make him understand that he was all I wanted in this world, and I just needed him to love me too, above all else. I could live with the nights away, the awful schedule, the moving, the being away from friends - as long as I knew it was him and me, always.

But it wasn't. It was him. Only him. And me, trying to love someone who very simply loved so many things more than he would ever love me.

And that's how we ended up where we are today. I mean, obviously there is a lot more to it, but that's what it boils down to.

He didn't love me, because you don't hurt someone you love. You don't break someone you love. You don't lie to and manipulate and cheat on someone you love. You don't choose alcohol over someone you love. You don't destroy someone you love.

There is no doubt in my mind that I loved this man with every piece and part of me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. My heart opened up to him fully and completely, and that's how it ended up so shattered. But I don't regret loving him. I don't regret giving him every part of me. Because I did love right. There is no shame in that. If you aren't willing to give it everything, including the ability to destroy you, then you aren't all in and you can't call it love. I did that. He didn't.

So yes, I'm fully aware that I hurt while he doesn't. That I'm picking up shattered pieces of my heart while he's already on to his next conquest. That our broken marriage matters infinitely more to me than it ever did to him. That I have to heal from all the damage he did to me, while he doesn't even think of me, because I didn't matter to him.

But it's because I did love right. I meant it. All of it. He didn't. 

And I can live with that. I'm at peace with that. And it's what allows me to move forward knowing I'll be ok.

Because in the end, I lost someone who hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, used me, abandoned me, and tried to destroy me. He lost someone who loved him with absolutely everything that she had.

So tell me, who really lost?



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