What Do I Want?

So I've learned as of late, that when you are the victim in a domestic violence incident, what you want has actually very little bearing in the overall scheme of what happens.

You would think that at some point, someone would sit down with you and say "What do you want? What do you need? What would help you? What do you want to see happen?"

Nope. That's not a thing.

Basically, the giant cog that is the legal system takes over, and it just does whatever it's going to do, with very little or no input from you at all. Fuck the fact that the crime was committed AGAINST YOU to begin with. It seems like a serious flaw in the justice system, but not one that I can do a damn thing about at this point, so instead I'll just bitch about it here.

But HAD someone bothered to ask me what I want, this is what I would have told them:

I want an apology. A sincere, heartfelt apology. Something that in the 5 years we were together, I never once got. I want an "I'm sorry" that isn't based on fear of the legal consequences, or manipulating me, or anything other than genuine remorse.

I want a real acknowledgement of the wrong that he did: For hurting me, both physically and emotionally. For using me. For wasting the last 5 years of my life, with no intention of truly building a future together. I want validation that what I went through was real, and that he accepts what he did to me.

I want him to take responsibility for his actions, like a man. To stop making excuses and blaming everyone and everything else, and simply say "Yes, I did this. I intentionally destroyed this woman who loved me. It was awful, and it was wrong, but I chose to do it." I want him for the first time in his life to accept the consequences of his actions, and to own his choices.

I want him to change - to become a better person, to get his life together, and to never do this to anyone else. I wish that I could just erase all the bad from the last 5 years, and get back the man who I thought I married. But I'm not naive, and this isn't a fairy tale. I tried to help him, desperately, and I wasn't enough of a reason for him to change. But I don't want him to get better for me. I want him to get better for him. Because despite everything he has put me through, and continues to put me through, I love this man. A part of me always will. I won't ever go back, for my own safety and sanity, but that doesn't mean I don't still believe that he has the potential to be an incredible person. He just has to realize it, and step up and do what is takes to overcome his vices and be a man.

I still hope that for him, from a distance. Even when he's dragging me through a god awful divorce, fighting me every step of the way, and trying to make my life hell. I still hope for him that something, someday, will be important enough for him to decide it's worth becoming a better man. But that's up to him. It's not mine to carry anymore. Really, it never was.

Finally, I want my life back. I want to remember what it's like to not feel used and manipulated and broken, because I loved someone who got pleasure from my pain. I want to put this all behind me and be allowed to move on. And if he had an ounce of decency in him, he would give me that. After all he's put me through, you would think he would at some point decide it's enough, and just let me be done, instead of continuing to try to take from me, when I have nothing left to give. I gave him everything while we were together. Everything. Shouldn't that be enough? Just let me pick up the pieces I have left, without putting me through anything else.

I realize that the likelihood of getting what I want is probably akin to the likelihood of getting a rainbow colored unicorn that leads me to a pot of gold. I accept that. And I'm certainly not holding my breath expecting it to happen.

But, had someone ever bothered to ask, that's what I would have told them.