3 Months Ago

3 months ago, my world fell apart.

3 months ago, my life also started.

How is it possible that those 2 things can co-exist? I didn't believe it myself, until it happened.

By now, anyone who knows me at all is aware of a few simple facts:

1. Instead of divorcing my husband last year, I let him talk me into giving him another chance, leaving behind my friends and family and life, and moving to North Carolina with him for a "fresh start".

2. Before we ever even actually made it to North Carolina, my husband once again proved that he was exactly the same person that I had tried to divorce the first time, with physical violence beyond anything he had done before. But at that point, I felt trapped in my decision, and like I couldn't stop the momentum of the path I was on. So, I still went to NC. 

3. That decision to leave Texas and move to North Carolina cost me a lot. Mostly, friendships with people who had my back since Day 1, who simply couldn't believe I was actively putting myself into such a volatile situation away from everyone and everything I knew. Even those who tried to support me did so with cautious optimism, hoping it would work out but still gravely concerned for me.

4. It took about 8 months on a roller coaster, but in the end, nothing had changed. The man I was married to was still exactly the same, or even worse, than the person I had tried to divorce a year plus ago. This time, he proved it beyond anything I could ignore. Though, for my own security and sanity, I really REALLY wanted to pretend that what was right in front of me actually wasn't. But there comes a point where the truth is going to come out, no matter how much you try to hide from it. 3 months ago was that point for me.

I will share more of my story later on, because I truly believe it deserves to be told. Right now, however, that has been complicated by the fact that there are multiple pending criminal cases that need to be resolved, as well as a new divorce case. So while I am perfectly within my rights to share truth as I see fit, I also want to make sure that justice is served and that I am safe, protected, and not at risk by doing so. Because my husband's lawyers have tried to take this blog, my anonymous safe haven to share my thoughts and ideas and stories and truth, and twist it into something else.

But in the meantime - I CAN say this:

My life both ended and started 3 months ago, when the agonizing truth that who my husband has been is who he will always be, came raining down on me in spades. I lost myself in him, and I found myself in finally gathering the courage to stand up to him. I am able to walk away from my marriage knowing that I did absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Even long after I should have stopped trying, I tried. I poured my entire heart and soul into that man, and the fact that he is incapable of loving another person is a reflection of his own failings, not mine.

3 months ago, I realized that what I have to offer this world is worth so much more than he let me believe.

3 months ago, I discovered that, despite what he told me for years, I actually can live without him, and I will be ok.

3 months ago, I lost the person who I loved with every ounce of my being - but that was also the day that I began loving myself again.

3 months ago, my life ended. And my life began. And I'm so grateful that it did.