On My Terms

I realized something at 2 AM this morning. Something I should’ve known a long time ago. Something that will inevitably change the course of my life.

He will never love me as much as he loves himself.

Ever.

 

No matter what I do or don’t do, say or don’t say. No matter how much I sacrifice, how many times I give him another chance, or how many tears I cry, begging him to just HEAR me.

 

None of that ever has nor ever will make him truly love me.

And there is nothing I can do to make him.

 

And that’s what I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life trying to do. I’ve been trying to force someone to love me who, simply, won’t.

 

I have given every piece of myself, trying to be enough for someone. A year ago, I thought I would die without him. And I went back, to try again. To prove that I was strong enough and good enough and just… enough, for him.

 

I never will be. Because he doesn’t love me. Not really. Because you don’t destroy someone you love, and he is hell bent on destroying me.

 

This is the first thing I’ve ever failed at. No, really. I’ve always been able to work hard enough, be smart enough, and have enough “get it the fuck done” that I’ve managed to will pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted into existence in some form or fashion.

But you can’t force someone to love you who simply isn’t able to love anyone but himself.

 

Sure, he’ll stay as long as I want him to. He’ll be a part of this marriage, to the extent it benefits him. He’ll let me continue to break myself into pieces for him. But he won’t love me. Not really.

 

And that’s not enough anymore. So this goodbye is on MY terms.