You know the moment when you feel the most free? It's the moment when you finally just let go. Suddenly, all the stress and frustration and anger just melts away and you can simply accept things for what they are and move forward.
I did this today.
It feels sooooooooo good.
I've been putting so much time and energy and effort into something that was an uphill battle. I've been fighting a fight that I am probably never going to win. I have been wearing myself out and making myself physically sick trying to make things work out. But they just aren't.
Today, though, it hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS is my life. THIS is what I have to enjoy. I have today. I probably have tomorrow, but you never know.
I keep telling myself that if I just meet the next goal, then I will be happy. If I just get my degree, get a better job, marry an amazing man, etc. etc. etc. THEN I will be happy. But it's not about then, it's about NOW. Today.
I have a beautiful life. It's complicated, it's messy, and it's not always easy. But nothing worth having is. It is beautiful. I have a roof over my head, 2 boys who adore me, and I'm fulfilling my dream of going back to school. No, I don't have a job. But things are working themselves out for now. And when they don't, I'll figure it out. I always land on my feet.
It's not about making a mad dash to the end and missing everything along the way. This is a journey. My journey. I don't want to look back and only remember the blur. I want to remember the days, the moments, the memories that make it all worth it. I want to find my happiness right now. Not in a degree or a job or a man. But in the here and now.
Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.
I plan to spend way more time living that way. And the first step in doing that was to just let go. So today I did.
I feel free.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
My Bitch List...
So you may just want to skip this post... because I'm telling you now it's not nice or happy or full of roses. Sorry. For those of you that can hang... enjoy.
I can not STAND men who act like children. I can not stand laziness, sloth, lack of ambition, childishness, and immaturity. A couple hints for men who want to attract women worth keeping -
1) Have a damn job. Living off mommy and daddy is NOT attractive. No matter how much money they throw at you. It's repulsive actually. And says a whole lot about your integrity and work ethics.
2) Eat your F-ing vegetables. Sorry, I'm not your mother and this is not a restaurant. If you want your mother's cooking, and sympathy, then go back to living with HER.
3) On that note - if a woman feels like she has to be your mother, there is no way in hell she is going to want to go to bed with you. Mother and sex goddess are 2 entirely different people. You can't have both. You can have someone to mother you, feel sorry for you, clean up after you, and take care of you, OR you can have a chick that can rock your world and be your equal. Choose wisely.
4) STOP overcompensating. It's not attractive. We already know.
5) What's worse than a man's faults? A man who DENIES those faults or makes excuses for them or gets pissed off when you point them out. Seriously, don't get mad at ME because YOU failed 3 semesters of college or lived with your parents through most of your twenties or didn't have a girlfriend until you were 21 or have to beg your college professors to give you the grade you want. I'm just saying... Facts are facts.
6) The words "You have no idea what I went through back when _____________ (fill in the blank)" say to women "I'm pathetic and make excuses for my actions cuz I'm not man enough to own them".
People who are lazy, indifferent, and really don't give a fuck piss me off. Kids who show up in class and do nothing but get through it are close to the top of my shit list right now. People who's parents put them through college and ALL they have to do is show up and do their best, yet they blow it off and waste the opportunity annoy me. Because the rest of us get to actually work our asses off to be there, and are grateful for the chance. So stop being ignorant and realize that there is more to life than 6 packs, tanning, and video games.
Oh, and people - LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT. How long are you going to leech off our your family? At what point do you realize that self sufficiency really is worth the hard work and sacrifice? I am grateful everyday that my parents forced me to grow up and take care of myself and figure out my own shit. I don't have a crutch. I don't have a fallback plan. I don't have a get to run home when things get hard. Instead, I get to do it by myself. And it's been hard. Reallly hard sometimes. But it's worth it. Because the sense of accomplishment is amazing. I have something to be proud of. Anything I have, it's because I've worked for it. Anything that I do, it's me. Can you say that? NOPE. Independence is worth it. Try it. Or continue to suck your family dry. Whatever works for you I guess.
Ok, that's all. I'm off to a hot bath and studying...
I can not STAND men who act like children. I can not stand laziness, sloth, lack of ambition, childishness, and immaturity. A couple hints for men who want to attract women worth keeping -
1) Have a damn job. Living off mommy and daddy is NOT attractive. No matter how much money they throw at you. It's repulsive actually. And says a whole lot about your integrity and work ethics.
2) Eat your F-ing vegetables. Sorry, I'm not your mother and this is not a restaurant. If you want your mother's cooking, and sympathy, then go back to living with HER.
3) On that note - if a woman feels like she has to be your mother, there is no way in hell she is going to want to go to bed with you. Mother and sex goddess are 2 entirely different people. You can't have both. You can have someone to mother you, feel sorry for you, clean up after you, and take care of you, OR you can have a chick that can rock your world and be your equal. Choose wisely.
4) STOP overcompensating. It's not attractive. We already know.
5) What's worse than a man's faults? A man who DENIES those faults or makes excuses for them or gets pissed off when you point them out. Seriously, don't get mad at ME because YOU failed 3 semesters of college or lived with your parents through most of your twenties or didn't have a girlfriend until you were 21 or have to beg your college professors to give you the grade you want. I'm just saying... Facts are facts.
6) The words "You have no idea what I went through back when _____________ (fill in the blank)" say to women "I'm pathetic and make excuses for my actions cuz I'm not man enough to own them".
People who are lazy, indifferent, and really don't give a fuck piss me off. Kids who show up in class and do nothing but get through it are close to the top of my shit list right now. People who's parents put them through college and ALL they have to do is show up and do their best, yet they blow it off and waste the opportunity annoy me. Because the rest of us get to actually work our asses off to be there, and are grateful for the chance. So stop being ignorant and realize that there is more to life than 6 packs, tanning, and video games.
Oh, and people - LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT. How long are you going to leech off our your family? At what point do you realize that self sufficiency really is worth the hard work and sacrifice? I am grateful everyday that my parents forced me to grow up and take care of myself and figure out my own shit. I don't have a crutch. I don't have a fallback plan. I don't have a get to run home when things get hard. Instead, I get to do it by myself. And it's been hard. Reallly hard sometimes. But it's worth it. Because the sense of accomplishment is amazing. I have something to be proud of. Anything I have, it's because I've worked for it. Anything that I do, it's me. Can you say that? NOPE. Independence is worth it. Try it. Or continue to suck your family dry. Whatever works for you I guess.
Ok, that's all. I'm off to a hot bath and studying...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just Had to Share...
So you know the "crazy, insane, work too many hours for not enough pay with a psycho Frenchman who thinks it is his personal obligation to tear every human being around him to shreds" job that I quit a few weeks ago?
Wellll.... Before I quit, they hired someone else and I spent 4 days training him. Showing him the ins and out of the approximately 5,393,204 things that I do for the company. I think all the work scared the hell out of him, but I really did try to paint it in the most positive light possible (Read - I didn't tell him about the crappy hours, crazy responsibilities, or psycho boss. I knew he would figure it out on his own soon enough.)
Today, however, I got a text from one of my former employees. Dude quit. He didn't even make it a MONTH. And he was making $10,000 more than me a year. He couldn't deal with the insanity. And there is lots of insanity!
Ha! For once I got to see Karma in action. And I have to admit, it was niiiice!
Wellll.... Before I quit, they hired someone else and I spent 4 days training him. Showing him the ins and out of the approximately 5,393,204 things that I do for the company. I think all the work scared the hell out of him, but I really did try to paint it in the most positive light possible (Read - I didn't tell him about the crappy hours, crazy responsibilities, or psycho boss. I knew he would figure it out on his own soon enough.)
Today, however, I got a text from one of my former employees. Dude quit. He didn't even make it a MONTH. And he was making $10,000 more than me a year. He couldn't deal with the insanity. And there is lots of insanity!
Ha! For once I got to see Karma in action. And I have to admit, it was niiiice!
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