I'm so missing those people in my life who accept me exactly as I am. With all my mistakes and issues and quirks. The people who truly know me, and love me anyways.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly be guarded, and keeping everything at an arms length to keep myself safe. I so miss those people who I can just be myself around. The ones who have known me for years. The ones who understand me, who get me.
I don't have those people here. And I so wish I did. I miss having my friends to just talk to, relate with, and do life with. It's hard doing things alone.
And I had NO idea how hard it can be to find true friends. I guess that's because the true friends I have are the people who have been in my life for years, since I was a kid. As children, we simply were who we were. Open to ideas and possibilities and things that were different than us. We each simply were who we were, without pretense or understanding that our innate personalities needed to be changed. This made it easy for kids to connect and get to know each other, and true friendships were formed.
Now, as adults we all have to work so hard to be the "perfect" whatever - mom, wife, employee, etc. Instead of being real with people, we have to make sure we project the image we want everyone to see. We create idealized versions of ourselves that have very little bearing in reality. That lack of authenticity makes true relationships nearly impossible.
I want to be real. And authentic. And get to know other people who are the same way. I want lasting friendships with true friends.
I guess that's a process though. So for now, I am SO incredibly grateful to be heading home for Christmas to the people who really know and love me.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Front Page News
Ok, deep breaths... lots of them...
In... Out... In... Out...
These last few days have been some really hard ones. It just seems like I can't finish dealing with one emotional rollercoaster before another takes off. And I'm struggling to maintain some semblance of sanity and not end up right where I was 6 months ago.
Can you believe it's been 6 months? On one side, it feels like yesterday that I was so torn apart I couldn't function. I can remember every emotion, every hurt, every way that I tried to cover it up and make it go away. (None of them worked, by the way)
One the other hand, it feels like an eternity since I had the life I did 6 months ago. Both the good and the bad. It's amazing how far I've come and how things have changed. Solely by the grace of God, I survived. There were days I probably shouldn't have.
But this isn't about 6 months ago. This is about today. It's about moving forward instead of going back. It's about finding some peace in all the chaos and trying to just breathe when I feel like I can't.
I'm really good at hiding things. I am an impeccable liar when I want to be. I can make anyone believe just about anything, and I can hide things that I don't want people to know for as long as I need to. These "skills" (I say that because I do know that these are not positive attributes) helped me get away with way more than I should have as a teenager and beyond. It hasn't been until recently that I have learned that just because I can get away with these things doesn't mean I should.
However, there are some secrets of my past that I am so ashamed of and guilt ridden over, that I've never felt I had any choice but to hide them from everyone. Not a single person in the world except those who were a part of the experience had any idea about the nightmare that I lived for a year.
That all changed yesterday. When it became front. page. news.
Let me tell you how much it sucks when the one thing you've spent the last 8 years of your life desperately trying to hide from everyone makes headlines in the morning paper.
It feels like someone ripped open my soul and exposed it for the entire world to see. One ugly detail at a time. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but sit back and watch it all unfold. I have a front row seat to my own demise. I get to witness my entire wall of secrets come crashing down and the awful truths behind them glaring out for everyone to see.
It SUCKS.
And frankly, I haven't been dealing with it well. At all.
A (few) stiff drinks and an abundance of pills, mixed with plenty of anger and hurt have been my weapon of choice for riding this out. Curling up under the covers and wishing it would go away has been playing an active role as well. Of course, these things are much better alternatives than facing this thing head on. Than dealing with it once and for all. Than talking to someone about all the things that I've kept hidden for the last 8 years.
Nope, I'll just continue to do it my way. Because I'm not ready to talk to someone or let them be there for me or deal with this disaster. I just can't.
You'd be surprised at all the things that time DOESN'T heal.
In... Out... In... Out...
These last few days have been some really hard ones. It just seems like I can't finish dealing with one emotional rollercoaster before another takes off. And I'm struggling to maintain some semblance of sanity and not end up right where I was 6 months ago.
Can you believe it's been 6 months? On one side, it feels like yesterday that I was so torn apart I couldn't function. I can remember every emotion, every hurt, every way that I tried to cover it up and make it go away. (None of them worked, by the way)
One the other hand, it feels like an eternity since I had the life I did 6 months ago. Both the good and the bad. It's amazing how far I've come and how things have changed. Solely by the grace of God, I survived. There were days I probably shouldn't have.
But this isn't about 6 months ago. This is about today. It's about moving forward instead of going back. It's about finding some peace in all the chaos and trying to just breathe when I feel like I can't.
I'm really good at hiding things. I am an impeccable liar when I want to be. I can make anyone believe just about anything, and I can hide things that I don't want people to know for as long as I need to. These "skills" (I say that because I do know that these are not positive attributes) helped me get away with way more than I should have as a teenager and beyond. It hasn't been until recently that I have learned that just because I can get away with these things doesn't mean I should.
However, there are some secrets of my past that I am so ashamed of and guilt ridden over, that I've never felt I had any choice but to hide them from everyone. Not a single person in the world except those who were a part of the experience had any idea about the nightmare that I lived for a year.
That all changed yesterday. When it became front. page. news.
Let me tell you how much it sucks when the one thing you've spent the last 8 years of your life desperately trying to hide from everyone makes headlines in the morning paper.
It feels like someone ripped open my soul and exposed it for the entire world to see. One ugly detail at a time. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but sit back and watch it all unfold. I have a front row seat to my own demise. I get to witness my entire wall of secrets come crashing down and the awful truths behind them glaring out for everyone to see.
It SUCKS.
And frankly, I haven't been dealing with it well. At all.
A (few) stiff drinks and an abundance of pills, mixed with plenty of anger and hurt have been my weapon of choice for riding this out. Curling up under the covers and wishing it would go away has been playing an active role as well. Of course, these things are much better alternatives than facing this thing head on. Than dealing with it once and for all. Than talking to someone about all the things that I've kept hidden for the last 8 years.
Nope, I'll just continue to do it my way. Because I'm not ready to talk to someone or let them be there for me or deal with this disaster. I just can't.
You'd be surprised at all the things that time DOESN'T heal.
Monday, December 14, 2009
You can have THAT "god"...
I was walking into an OBGYN office today, where the doctor also happens to do abortions. *Note - NO I am not getting an abortion. I am not pregnant. I don't plan to be. I was there for totally unbaby related reasons*
As I was walking in, I was "greeted" by a group of people holding signs and yelling at me about the evils of what I was about to do and telling me that there were other ways because their "god" loved me. All this while shoving pictures of aborted babies and the burning fires of hell in my face.
Again, I'm not pregnant, and I'm certainly not in the market for an abortion. But what if I was? What if I was 18, pregnant, and scared to death? What if the baby's father had left me and I had no one to turn to? What if I felt that I had let everyone in the world down and didn't know what to do? What if my parents had kicked me out and my friends had abandoned me? What if I felt like an abortion was my only way out? Would these people, screaming at me in the name of "god" and telling me I'm going to go to hell for what I believe is my only option really going to change my mind? Will it make me feel like everything will be ok and that people love and care about me? Of course not.
You can have that "god".
You can keep your "god" in who's name you blow up buildings, murder innocent bystanders, and shoot unarmed people. You can have the "god" who condones the rape of an innocent child, the forced marriage of a 14 year old girl, and the right of a man to beat his wife into submission. You can hang onto the "god" who wants his followers to walk into an Army medical clinic and shoot unarmed soldiers on American soil. You can keep your "god" in who's name people fly planes into buildings, plant car bombs in highly populated areas, and kidnap and kill those who don't share their beliefs.
I want nothing to do with a "god" who would turn his back on the drug addict desperately trying to get his life together, the prostitute who was sold into the business as a child, or the adulterer who only wants a second chance. I don't want a "god" who would want his followers to unabashadly hurl insults and accusations at a scared and alone 18 year old pregnant girl. I have no interest in serving a "god" who would turn his back on a single mom doing everything she can to support her babies, even if that means working in a bar at night. I don't want a "god" who allows his followers to spew hatred at a person because they are gay, or who refuses to have anything to do with someone because of the way they dress or the tattoos on their body. This "god" that judges people based on their social status and the amount of money they put into the offering plate is not something I want to be involved in. I don't want a "god" who demands perfection and will accept nothing less, so that I never measure up and spend my entire life feeling unworthy.
People do horrible, henous, AWFUL things in the name of "god". I promise you though, those people do not know GOD.
All over the world, these people use "god" has their posterchild for whatever cause they happen to believe in. They use religion as an excuse for their actions. That is NOT God, that is manmade evil. People take their personal opinions and put god's name on it to give them an excuse for otherwise inexcusable actions.
God gives his people a cause. He calls his children to a mission higher than ourselves. But that mission has nothing to do with judging people, changing people, or killing people in his name.
God's cause is simple... LOVE PEOPLE.
That's it. Not "change people". Not "force people to do what you believe is right". Not "scare people into not having an abortion". Not "judge people". Certainly not "kill people".
Just love people.
So those people across the street today, screaming at me about how I would spend eternity in hell for having an abortion do NOT know God. The man who rapes and beats little girls does NOT know God. The coward who opens fire on a room full of people in the name of religion does NOT know God.
So it's simple... you can keep your "god". And I'll do everything I can to help that terrifed 18 year old pregnant girl know that she is loved and safe and things will be ok, no matter what choice she makes. I'll show her what God really looks like.
And it shouldn't be hard...
I was that girl once.
As I was walking in, I was "greeted" by a group of people holding signs and yelling at me about the evils of what I was about to do and telling me that there were other ways because their "god" loved me. All this while shoving pictures of aborted babies and the burning fires of hell in my face.
Again, I'm not pregnant, and I'm certainly not in the market for an abortion. But what if I was? What if I was 18, pregnant, and scared to death? What if the baby's father had left me and I had no one to turn to? What if I felt that I had let everyone in the world down and didn't know what to do? What if my parents had kicked me out and my friends had abandoned me? What if I felt like an abortion was my only way out? Would these people, screaming at me in the name of "god" and telling me I'm going to go to hell for what I believe is my only option really going to change my mind? Will it make me feel like everything will be ok and that people love and care about me? Of course not.
You can have that "god".
You can keep your "god" in who's name you blow up buildings, murder innocent bystanders, and shoot unarmed people. You can have the "god" who condones the rape of an innocent child, the forced marriage of a 14 year old girl, and the right of a man to beat his wife into submission. You can hang onto the "god" who wants his followers to walk into an Army medical clinic and shoot unarmed soldiers on American soil. You can keep your "god" in who's name people fly planes into buildings, plant car bombs in highly populated areas, and kidnap and kill those who don't share their beliefs.
I want nothing to do with a "god" who would turn his back on the drug addict desperately trying to get his life together, the prostitute who was sold into the business as a child, or the adulterer who only wants a second chance. I don't want a "god" who would want his followers to unabashadly hurl insults and accusations at a scared and alone 18 year old pregnant girl. I have no interest in serving a "god" who would turn his back on a single mom doing everything she can to support her babies, even if that means working in a bar at night. I don't want a "god" who allows his followers to spew hatred at a person because they are gay, or who refuses to have anything to do with someone because of the way they dress or the tattoos on their body. This "god" that judges people based on their social status and the amount of money they put into the offering plate is not something I want to be involved in. I don't want a "god" who demands perfection and will accept nothing less, so that I never measure up and spend my entire life feeling unworthy.
People do horrible, henous, AWFUL things in the name of "god". I promise you though, those people do not know GOD.
All over the world, these people use "god" has their posterchild for whatever cause they happen to believe in. They use religion as an excuse for their actions. That is NOT God, that is manmade evil. People take their personal opinions and put god's name on it to give them an excuse for otherwise inexcusable actions.
God gives his people a cause. He calls his children to a mission higher than ourselves. But that mission has nothing to do with judging people, changing people, or killing people in his name.
God's cause is simple... LOVE PEOPLE.
That's it. Not "change people". Not "force people to do what you believe is right". Not "scare people into not having an abortion". Not "judge people". Certainly not "kill people".
Just love people.
God's people have a mission, but they don't haveto justify it by screaming to the world that they are doing it in HIS name. Those who truly know God are the ones comforting the children who just lost their family to a suicide bomber. They are the ones feeding the hungry and nursing the sick back to health. You will find those that know God comforting the woman who regrets the choice she made to have an abortion, and welcoming the tattooed biker into their church. You will find them on mission fields around the world, helping to show God in practical ways by bringing food and clothing and education and healthcare to some of the poorest nations in the world. You will also find them in your own backyard, spending time with troubled teens and helping struggling single moms.
These people know God.
So those people across the street today, screaming at me about how I would spend eternity in hell for having an abortion do NOT know God. The man who rapes and beats little girls does NOT know God. The coward who opens fire on a room full of people in the name of religion does NOT know God.
So it's simple... you can keep your "god". And I'll do everything I can to help that terrifed 18 year old pregnant girl know that she is loved and safe and things will be ok, no matter what choice she makes. I'll show her what God really looks like.
And it shouldn't be hard...
I was that girl once.
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