So Much

There is SO much to be said.


SO much to be thankful for.


SO many lessons learned.


I know it's been a while, and I desperately owe y'all a post. Or at least an
"I'm not dead", considering how we left things.


I haven't been able to post because I've been wrapped up in legal battles with my (NOW EX!!!!) husband. So the blog was off limits for a while.


But we are almost through all of that, and I care share my story. Not just with y'all, but to a much bigger audience as well. (I know, I know, it's vague - but I promise it's awesome!)


Hang in there - it's always one hell of a ride!

What Do I Want?

So I've learned as of late, that when you are the victim in a domestic violence incident, what you want has actually very little bearing in the overall scheme of what happens.

You would think that at some point, someone would sit down with you and say "What do you want? What do you need? What would help you? What do you want to see happen?"

Nope. That's not a thing.

Basically, the giant cog that is the legal system takes over, and it just does whatever it's going to do, with very little or no input from you at all. Fuck the fact that the crime was committed AGAINST YOU to begin with. It seems like a serious flaw in the justice system, but not one that I can do a damn thing about at this point, so instead I'll just bitch about it here.

But HAD someone bothered to ask me what I want, this is what I would have told them:

I want an apology. A sincere, heartfelt apology. Something that in the 5 years we were together, I never once got. I want an "I'm sorry" that isn't based on fear of the legal consequences, or manipulating me, or anything other than genuine remorse.

I want a real acknowledgement of the wrong that he did: For hurting me, both physically and emotionally. For using me. For wasting the last 5 years of my life, with no intention of truly building a future together. I want validation that what I went through was real, and that he accepts what he did to me.

I want him to take responsibility for his actions, like a man. To stop making excuses and blaming everyone and everything else, and simply say "Yes, I did this. I intentionally destroyed this woman who loved me. It was awful, and it was wrong, but I chose to do it." I want him for the first time in his life to accept the consequences of his actions, and to own his choices.

I want him to change - to become a better person, to get his life together, and to never do this to anyone else. I wish that I could just erase all the bad from the last 5 years, and get back the man who I thought I married. But I'm not naive, and this isn't a fairy tale. I tried to help him, desperately, and I wasn't enough of a reason for him to change. But I don't want him to get better for me. I want him to get better for him. Because despite everything he has put me through, and continues to put me through, I love this man. A part of me always will. I won't ever go back, for my own safety and sanity, but that doesn't mean I don't still believe that he has the potential to be an incredible person. He just has to realize it, and step up and do what is takes to overcome his vices and be a man.

I still hope that for him, from a distance. Even when he's dragging me through a god awful divorce, fighting me every step of the way, and trying to make my life hell. I still hope for him that something, someday, will be important enough for him to decide it's worth becoming a better man. But that's up to him. It's not mine to carry anymore. Really, it never was.

Finally, I want my life back. I want to remember what it's like to not feel used and manipulated and broken, because I loved someone who got pleasure from my pain. I want to put this all behind me and be allowed to move on. And if he had an ounce of decency in him, he would give me that. After all he's put me through, you would think he would at some point decide it's enough, and just let me be done, instead of continuing to try to take from me, when I have nothing left to give. I gave him everything while we were together. Everything. Shouldn't that be enough? Just let me pick up the pieces I have left, without putting me through anything else.

I realize that the likelihood of getting what I want is probably akin to the likelihood of getting a rainbow colored unicorn that leads me to a pot of gold. I accept that. And I'm certainly not holding my breath expecting it to happen.

But, had someone ever bothered to ask, that's what I would have told them.

A Moment Of Absolute Honesty...

I've known that we were done since the moment things went so terribly wrong (again) back in April.
In fact, I knew it well before that.

I knew that I was in a marriage where I wasn't loved, respected, appreciated, or even considered. I knew that I was being cheated on, lied to, hurt, and used. I knew that I would continue to give, and he would continue to take. I knew that my husband was incapable of caring about anyone or anything but himself, his career, and his ego.

So why did I stay? Why did I keep trying, despite all of those things I was so keenly aware of?

I loved that man. With every fiber of my being. My world began and ended with him. He was my sun, my moon, my stars. My heaven and my hell. I used to tell him he was "it" for me, and I meant it. He was everything to me. I would have done anything for him, been anything for him, sacrificed anything for him.

And in a lot of ways, I did. I gave up me, for him. And didn't even regret it.

Until it became clear that it wasn't enough. That I would never be enough.

He didn't want a wife who adored him and was proud of him and helped support his dreams. That wasn't enough. Ever.

And I realized I couldn't compete with the pilot lifestyle that he just had to have. For him, it was about the uniform, the prestige, the girls throwing themselves at him, the partying in a different city every night, the "I'm a pilot" response that always got everyone's attention and made him feel important.

Don't get me wrong - I was SO proud of him. I worked my ass off too in order to help him get there, so I had a lot of pride in his accomplishments as well. I wanted him to succeed and grow as a pilot, to celebrate with him as his dreams came true. But, as impressive as it is, it's still a CAREER. And it shouldn't trump your marriage. But it did, every single time.

I tried so hard to get him to understand that... understand that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, if only he would just consider me, and show me that I was the one he loved and desired and needed. I sent him this article one time, hoping that maybe someone else's words would resonate with him when mine fell on deaf ears...

Dear Aviation Husband - Five Things I Need From You

I never even got an acknowledgment, let alone a response. I tried writing him emails, leaving him notes, having conversations, anything and everything I could to get through to him and make him understand that he was all I wanted in this world, and I just needed him to love me too, above all else. I could live with the nights away, the awful schedule, the moving, the being away from friends - as long as I knew it was him and me, always.

But it wasn't. It was him. Only him. And me, trying to love someone who very simply loved so many things more than he would ever love me.

And that's how we ended up where we are today. I mean, obviously there is a lot more to it, but that's what it boils down to.

He didn't love me, because you don't hurt someone you love. You don't break someone you love. You don't lie to and manipulate and cheat on someone you love. You don't choose alcohol over someone you love. You don't destroy someone you love.

There is no doubt in my mind that I loved this man with every piece and part of me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. My heart opened up to him fully and completely, and that's how it ended up so shattered. But I don't regret loving him. I don't regret giving him every part of me. Because I did love right. There is no shame in that. If you aren't willing to give it everything, including the ability to destroy you, then you aren't all in and you can't call it love. I did that. He didn't.

So yes, I'm fully aware that I hurt while he doesn't. That I'm picking up shattered pieces of my heart while he's already on to his next conquest. That our broken marriage matters infinitely more to me than it ever did to him. That I have to heal from all the damage he did to me, while he doesn't even think of me, because I didn't matter to him.

But it's because I did love right. I meant it. All of it. He didn't. 

And I can live with that. I'm at peace with that. And it's what allows me to move forward knowing I'll be ok.

Because in the end, I lost someone who hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, used me, abandoned me, and tried to destroy me. He lost someone who loved him with absolutely everything that she had.

So tell me, who really lost?

3 Months Ago

3 months ago, my world fell apart.

3 months ago, my life also started.

How is it possible that those 2 things can co-exist? I didn't believe it myself, until it happened.

By now, anyone who knows me at all is aware of a few simple facts:

1. Instead of divorcing my husband last year, I let him talk me into giving him another chance, leaving behind my friends and family and life, and moving to North Carolina with him for a "fresh start".

2. Before we ever even actually made it to North Carolina, my husband once again proved that he was exactly the same person that I had tried to divorce the first time, with physical violence beyond anything he had done before. But at that point, I felt trapped in my decision, and like I couldn't stop the momentum of the path I was on. So, I still went to NC. 

3. That decision to leave Texas and move to North Carolina cost me a lot. Mostly, friendships with people who had my back since Day 1, who simply couldn't believe I was actively putting myself into such a volatile situation away from everyone and everything I knew. Even those who tried to support me did so with cautious optimism, hoping it would work out but still gravely concerned for me.

4. It took about 8 months on a roller coaster, but in the end, nothing had changed. The man I was married to was still exactly the same, or even worse, than the person I had tried to divorce a year plus ago. This time, he proved it beyond anything I could ignore. Though, for my own security and sanity, I really REALLY wanted to pretend that what was right in front of me actually wasn't. But there comes a point where the truth is going to come out, no matter how much you try to hide from it. 3 months ago was that point for me.

I will share more of my story later on, because I truly believe it deserves to be told. Right now, however, that has been complicated by the fact that there are multiple pending criminal cases that need to be resolved, as well as a new divorce case. So while I am perfectly within my rights to share truth as I see fit, I also want to make sure that justice is served and that I am safe, protected, and not at risk by doing so. Because my husband's lawyers have tried to take this blog, my anonymous safe haven to share my thoughts and ideas and stories and truth, and twist it into something else.

But in the meantime - I CAN say this:

My life both ended and started 3 months ago, when the agonizing truth that who my husband has been is who he will always be, came raining down on me in spades. I lost myself in him, and I found myself in finally gathering the courage to stand up to him. I am able to walk away from my marriage knowing that I did absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Even long after I should have stopped trying, I tried. I poured my entire heart and soul into that man, and the fact that he is incapable of loving another person is a reflection of his own failings, not mine.

3 months ago, I realized that what I have to offer this world is worth so much more than he let me believe.

3 months ago, I discovered that, despite what he told me for years, I actually can live without him, and I will be ok.

3 months ago, I lost the person who I loved with every ounce of my being - but that was also the day that I began loving myself again.

3 months ago, my life ended. And my life began. And I'm so grateful that it did.

FYI

In case you actually give a fuck about the truth, instead of just believing whatever web of bullshit someone wants to feed you... here you go... I did the hard work for you, you just have to search for the truth. 

http://odyssey.mctx.org/Unsecured/default.aspx (Montgomery County, Texas) 

https://dwslivescan.co.wake.nc.us/mug/Disclaimer.aspx (Wake County, North Carolina) 

Use the above website links. 

Choose the "criminal records" link (for the top link). 

Put in the name of whomever you may be interested in finding info on in that county. (I recommend searching by LAST NAME ONLY. If you use first AND last, make sure to use the correct first and last name, as it doesn't recognize nicknames/middle names/etc. ). 

Search. 

Be amazed by the truth you find. These are public records. Take it as you will.

You're welcome.

#TruthWins #CourtRecordsDontLieButPeopleSureFuckingDo

On My Terms

I realized something at 2 AM this morning. Something I should’ve known a long time ago. Something that will inevitably change the course of my life.

He will never love me as much as he loves himself.

Ever.

 

No matter what I do or don’t do, say or don’t say. No matter how much I sacrifice, how many times I give him another chance, or how many tears I cry, begging him to just HEAR me.

 

None of that ever has nor ever will make him truly love me.

And there is nothing I can do to make him.

 

And that’s what I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life trying to do. I’ve been trying to force someone to love me who, simply, won’t.

 

I have given every piece of myself, trying to be enough for someone. A year ago, I thought I would die without him. And I went back, to try again. To prove that I was strong enough and good enough and just… enough, for him.

 

I never will be. Because he doesn’t love me. Not really. Because you don’t destroy someone you love, and he is hell bent on destroying me.

 

This is the first thing I’ve ever failed at. No, really. I’ve always been able to work hard enough, be smart enough, and have enough “get it the fuck done” that I’ve managed to will pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted into existence in some form or fashion.

But you can’t force someone to love you who simply isn’t able to love anyone but himself.

 

Sure, he’ll stay as long as I want him to. He’ll be a part of this marriage, to the extent it benefits him. He’ll let me continue to break myself into pieces for him. But he won’t love me. Not really.

 

And that’s not enough anymore. So this goodbye is on MY terms.

It's a Shit Day...

I woke up in a TERRIBLE fucking mood this morning.

Don't get me wrong. I will never be a morning person. Ever. People that jump out of bed like Mary fucking Poppins with a smile on their face need to be throat punched, in my opinion. I'm like "Calm the fuck down until I've had coffee and adderall and the clock says at LEAST 9 am. Or maybe 10, just to be safe". But most of the time I can at least maintain some semblance of control over myself, even when it's earlier than I'd like to be awake.

But today I woke up actually pissed off. For absolutely no reason. Just woke up in a shit mood.

And it's gotten progressively worse.

My 5:30 workout with my trainer usually helps alleviate stress and gets the day off to a good start. Today? Nope. Even she called me out on being a total bitch. Deserved. Totally deserved.

Coffee isn't fixing my problem. Adderall isn't fixing my problem. Damn it, I even tried EATING something, thinking maybe my blood sugar was fucked up or my antibiotics were fucking with me.

Nothing is working. I'm still stabby as fuck. Like, people are going out of their way to avoid me. And I don't even remotely blame them.

I can't pinpoint my bitch mode on any one thing. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and overwhelmed. There's a lot happening in life right now, not the least of which is as follows:

I miss the hell out of my boys. One is with his dad, the other is at camp. I just want them home and with me.

I miss my marriage. Not the current, fucked up, destroy me relationship I have now, but the incredible man I married 3 years ago. He was my biggest supporter and my favorite person. I miss that, desperately.

I'm over judgemental people. If that's you... fuck off.

I'm being forced to start figuring out some serious life changes, even though I'm not ready to be making these decisions.

I'm just BLAH. And I need to snap the fuck out of it.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

I Hate You, I Love You

 

In case you're wondering where my life is at the moment. This pretty much sums it up. 

 

 

I tried, again. I thought maybe, just maaaaybe, he meant it when he said he realized he lost the best thing in his life. That maybe he was sincere when he said he'd fight for me, and step up, and be a man, and do whatever it took to keep me.

 

He didn't.

 

What he meant was he wanted to go back to the exact.same.shit. He wanted me to take another ride onthe crazy merry-go-round. Except this time he wants to live his own life in his own place in another state, and come home maybe 1 night a week to play house. But in the meantime, he wants me to do all the things I did before (pay for/take care of the entire household, do all the wifey things, etc) AND he wants me to sit at home like a puppy waiting from him to call me for 3 minutes at a time whenever he can pull himself away from whatever his current entertainment is.

 

So yea, I'm still an idiot. And I still give someone who will never deserve it WAY too much credit.

 

Sometimes, all you can do it forget about what you want, realize what the fuck you need, and run as fast as you can away from the thing that is destroying you.

 

I'll post more later, because right now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces from the latest destruction. Just because you know it's coming doesn't make it suck less.

 

Eventually you learn, or you die. Either one sounds infinitely better than the current situation.  

My Husband Hates Who I Am

I've discovered something incredibly interesting as of late.

This probably shouldn't be much of a revelation, but to me, it really is.

I've learned that fundamentally, my husband hates who I am as a person.

I'm not entirely sure how I didn't catch this before. Cuz it kinda seems like one of those things that should come up before you wife someone up.

However, it's still the truth. My delay in figuring it out doesn't make it less accurate.

My husband hates that I'm outgoing and social and open and free. He hates that I enjoy big crowds, loud bars, crazy parties, and being surrounded by people. He hates that I'm passionate, about everything that matters to me. He hates that I'm a control freak with ADD. He hates that I spend hours on meticulous details, and then throw it all out the window at the last second to just go with whatever feels right at the moment. He hates that I don't know exactly what I want next, but I'm always pursuing something, never ready to settle for what I have. He hates that I expect so much from myself and those around me instead of allowing mediocrity. He hates that I'm better at walking away from something in the moment, and then figuring it out with music and writing, instead of battling it out then and there. He hates that "finding myself" means a motorcycle and biker rallies one day, church on Sunday, and pasties and music festivals the next. He hates that I will NEVER be the girl who can sit at home and wait for something - if I want something, I go get it. He hates that I can love and hate something in the same day, or sometimes the same minute. He hates that my emotions come in waves, and can crash into whatever is in the way.

This list could go on, and on, and on.

I've spent the better part of the last year hearing about ALL of the things he hates so much about me and how they aren't ok. And it's not stuff like "you leave wet towels on the floor" (which I'm totally guilty of, by the way) or "You don't ever want to have sex with me" (which would be a legit issue we should work on). Nope. Instead he's been chipping away at the core of who I am. Telling me how not ok who I am is. And I've been believing him. And trying to change it.

But here's the thing -

All those things that he hates so much? It's what makes me, ME.

And I'm starting to like that girl.

Let's Play A Game

So, I've been informed that there are a number of people who have been following my blog who are actually a part of everything that has been unfolding over the last few months.

I find that to be incredibly interesting.

I mean, I knew that my blog traffic has increased significantly over the past couple of months, but I didn't realize I had an adoring audience of people who were intimately involved in the story.

So first, welcome!

I'm so glad that my life is entertaining enough that you have decided to take the time out of your day to comb through my posts and read my words. I'm flattered.

Secondly, I've decided we should play a game.

A game called - "Who Is This Message For?"

The rules are simple. I write a message below, and those of you reading can determine if it's for you.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not subtle. So this should be easy.

You ready? Here we go:

Message #1

You are a broken, insignificant person who's only way to feel important is by tearing other people down. I think it's incredibly sad that you refuse to believe in true love and commitment, and instead convince yourself and your children that women are only out to use you and you must protect yourself at all costs. It must be a terribly isolating way to live, and I wonder what happened to break your heart so badly that you are forever jaded. Because of this negative, manipulative, narcissistic outlook, the only reason people tolerate or engage you at all anymore is because of what you can offer them materially, otherwise they want nothing to do with you. So enjoy your money, your (paid for) women, and your ridiculous flagrant displays of self-appointed importance, because that is all you will ever have. You will still die lonely and by yourself, because you've never taken the time to invest in authentic relationships, so when you have nothing left to offer, those people who "love" you so much right now will disappear.


Message #2

You're kind of a badass, and kind of a dumbass. The simple fact that you were willing to intimately engage with someone who is married, and who you were going to represent, makes me seriously question your morals and your sanity. But I get it, the boy is charming as fuck, and he has a type: Strong, successful, independent women. That's us. I can't hate on that. And I respect the hell out of you for the reasons you broke it off - it made me smile more than it probably should have. You're welcome, by the way. I just saved you from everything you've read. No hard feelings. Just stay away from me if we end up in the same bar one night. And everything you did? I did first.


Message #3

You absolutely disgust me at the highest level. You're an dirty, attention-seeking, whore who clearly couldn't make her own marriage work, and yet decided that participating in the destruction of someone else's was acceptable. As a woman, and ESPECIALLY as a woman who knows the pain of recent separation and divorce, you should be ashamed of yourself. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, and truly thought you were a better person than that. Clearly, I was VERY wrong. Sorry that you are incapable of hanging onto a relationship and can't even manage to keep your child's father in his life. But being a backstabbing slut certainly isn't going to help that, and desperately clinging to other people's husbands under the veil of "friendship" just makes you pathetic. Go find a baby daddy elsewhere, figure how not to be a desperate, manipulative bitch, and don't ever contact us again. Cuz bitch, you lose. On every level. Move along.

Message #4

I've never met you, but we have so much in common. Mostly because we've been through hell with the same man. It's nice having someone who gets it, who's been there, and who can understand the crazy I've been dealing with in ways that no one else can. I respect you for doing it as long as you did, and I respect you for getting off the merry-go-round. I wish you nothing but good and happiness, and am grateful you reached out to me to let me know I'm not the only one. XOXO

Message #5

Mind your own damn business. If you aren't going to be impartial, and are just going to write everything off as "crazy", then at least have the common sense to stay the fuck out of it instead of participating. Writing dating profiles? Blowing up wedding cakes? Really?! Y'all should be way too mature for that. It's disappointing. Fortunately, I no longer have to be a part of the lakehouse drama, so ultimately you are irrelevant. But it still sucks to know that adults would participate in teenage games. It's too bad - because I had no issue with any of you.

Message #6

I love you. Always have. Always will. Wherever life takes us from here, that doesn't change. You broke my heart - that isn't a secret - but it doesn't change how I feel. Sometimes life throws us things we don't want and don't know how to deal with, but you learn and you grow and you figure it out as you go. And sometimes things break you so completely you have no choice but to start over and build from the ground up. That was you. That was us. The good was fairy-tale amazing, the bad was the stuff nightmares are made of. Some call it crazy - and they are probably right. But if it isn't crazy, passionate, burn your soul to the ground, can't-live-without-it kind of love, is it even worth it? Even knowing what I do now, I wouldn't go back and change it. I'd still say yes to that beer. Still say yes to coming over 6 months later. And still say yes to everything from that moment to this one. It's been one hell of a ride.





So there you have it.

Like I said, not real subtle. But hey, you came to MY blog, so I get to say whatever I like. Love it, or leave it. Either way works just fine for me.

Hope you enjoyed the game. I definitely did.

Choose Wisely

So, here's the thing I've discovered over the past few months of heartbreak, divorce proceedings, craziness, loss, adventure, learning, growing, and becoming:

The heart wants what it wants.

No matter how bad of an idea it may be. No matter how much it may hurt. No matter that logic and reason and everyone with any sense advises against it.

The heart is stupid. It is also powerful. And full of hope.

You can't force it to want, or not want, something. You can't sway it with facts. You really can't do shit about it except either follow it or wait it out.

Either way, it could hurt.

Either way, it could end badly.

Either way, you may not end up where you want to be.

Ultimately, life is a gamble. Love is a gamble. Relationships are a gamble.

No one can guarantee how anything is going to turn out.

So the best you can do is try to figure out the path that will make you the most complete, and then follow it with everything that you have.

No one can tell you what that is. People can give advice, and support, and help you navigate. But ultimately only YOU are response for living YOUR life.

So choose wisely.

Peter Pan

I wasn't aware that my husband knew Kelsea Ballerini.


Clearly though, he must.


Because this song was written about him. 100%.


Don't believe me? Just take an gander at these lyrics:


The smile, the charm, the words, the spark,
Everything, you had it
I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy,
I let you have it
You said I was your only,
I never thought you'd leave me lonely
You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground


You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan




Seriously, right? Written for him.


My husband used to joke that he could either be a pilot or grow up. Not both. It was endearing at the time, until I realized he actually believed that, and planned to live accordingly.


When there was something he didn't want to deal with - he would LITERALLY fly away. He would pick up a last minute trip and just disappear. For hours, days, however long he felt it was necessary to sufficiently punish me and make me give in to whatever he wanted.


Anyway, back to my point.


Either there are multiple sociopathic pilots in the world (Which, based on the pilots I know, is VERY possible) or this song writer had a thing with my husband.


Either way - you should check this song out. And then thank god that this song isn't your life.


Cuz believe me, and Kelsea, it SUCKS.

New Adventures... Hard Choices...

So, when my husband left/lied/cheated/destroyed me (take your pick, it's all accurate) I was completely convinced that my life was over. Permanently. That I would never smile again. Laugh again. Know happiness or love, ever again.


I was dramatic. And I was wrong.


At the time, it felt 100% real though. And my instinct was to run away, because that's what I do best. When things get too hard, I take off and don't look back. I always have. That's how I ended up moving across the US multiple times. It's also how I ended up travelling around Europe, spending a crazy weekend in Cabo, St Patty's Day in NYC, etc. etc. etc. Basically, I leave a lot.


So, naturally, my first thought when my world crumbled was "RUN". Far and fast. And permanently. I immediately started looking for options - jobs, houses, etc. - in St Louis, Colorado, California, Austin, anywhere but here. I was ready to drop everything and just go, because it seemed so much less painful than staying and facing this.


But here's the thing - I have a life here. I have stability here. I have a house. A job. And, most importantly, I have family.


Not biological family - in that sense, I am very much on my own in Texas. But friends who have become my family with their love, support, and "never give up on me" way of life.


These are people who have been in my life since long before I ever met my husband. These are the people who have watched me grow up, supported my goals, and been by my side through the good and bad, to celebrate the fun times and to help me pick up the pieces when my world crumbles.


And I decided I'm not running from that. Instead, I'm embracing that.


My husband has taken SO damn much from me with his sociopathic lies and manipulation. I'm not going to let him take my security. My stability. My friends. My LIFE.


I realized pretty quickly how raw I was as a result of all of this. And because of that, making any big life decisions from a point of devastation was a terrible idea. So, I put myself in a 6 month "time out".


From the day he left, I'm not making any major changes for 6 months. No moving, no running, no tattooing my entire body or joining a nunnery. Because anything I do will likely be from a place of hurt, of anger, of fear, or of revenge. And none of those are good things to base huge life changes on.


Instead, I'm focusing on making myself better. On physically, mentally, and emotionally improving myself. My current world revolves around the things, people, and experiences that heal my heart and fill my soul. That make me feel stronger, happier, more stable, and loved.


The best part is that it's working. I have amazing people in my life and, as a result, have the opportunity to be a part of incredible experiences. I'm taking care of ME. There is so much positive. So much good. So much healing.


I realize that no matter what, I will always be okay. This would've been the thing to break me, if anything was ever going to.


But it didn't. I'm still here. I'm still breathing. And more than that, I'm thriving. Because I get to do the things that are good for me, instead of sacrificing my needs so that someone else can follow their dreams, which ultimately didn't include me anyway.


The 6 months is going by quickly. I have a lot of events and activities planned that allow me to focus on friends and happiness and continue to build my physical, mental, and emotional strength. Before I know it, I will be out of "time out" and then I can start to decide what comes next with a clear head and an open heart.


I don't know what comes next. I don't know what my future holds. But I know the people that will be by my side as I figure it all out. I know there will be love and adventure and excitement and hard work. I know I will fall again, and I will get up. I will fail, and I will succeed.


And I know that nothing and no one can break me.


Because he didn't.

It Don't Hurt Like It Used To

This. Just this.


You go through hell. And you get better. A day at a time.


I'm living proof. You can live through the worst heartbreak of your life.


 It sucks. It shreds you. There are moments you don't think you can do it for another second.


But you can. And you will make it.


I am.

I Must Have Married A Sociopath

http://www.vice.com/read/charming-manipulative-fantastic-in-bed-and-a-compulsive-liar-maybe-hes-a-sociopath-235

I don't even have to explain. This says it all. So completely clearly. So 100% accurately.

THIS was my life with my husband.

Apparently, I must have married a sociopath.

You Live

It's been a few weeks since I've had the opportunity to sit down and write something meaningful.


But I see that as a positive step in a good direction.


I haven't had the chance because of work, family, busy schedules, and new adventures.


I haven't had the chance to write a blog post, because I've been too busy living.




My life is so incredibly different than I imagined it would be 2 months ago. I thought by now I would be moved to Raleigh, getting settled into a new job and a new home, dealing with a husband that was gone 4-5 days a week, and trying to meet new people and make new friends. It would've been hard, but I was willing to do all of that. Because I was deluded into thinking marriage actually meant something to the person I was committed to. Funny how you can be so wrong about things.


Instead, I'm single. I'm in the same house, same job, yet a totally different life.


I get to spend time with people who love and appreciate me whenever I want to. I have grown closer to old friends, and made some incredible new ones. I've had opportunities for incredible experiences with amazing people. I have so many things to look forward to, knowing that I get to do them with people who aren't going to lie to me, use me, and leave me.


Has every second been easy? Of course not. Divorce isn't easy. Finding out the person that you loved with everything you were absolutely did not give a fuck about you isn't easy. Having to find a whole new direction for you life, and then getting up every morning and reminding yourself that your reality is permanently changed isn't easy.


But you do it. And you smile. And you thank god for the people that walk beside you. And you find good in the bad, and enjoy the moments of happiness, and breathe in and breathe out, and survive.


And, if you're lucky, you end up in places and with people that would've never been possible had you stayed in the prior situation.


And you know you're going to be better than okay.


And you live.

Find What Makes Your Soul Sing

The last few weeks have been all about finding a new normal.


Running away and re-centering was Step 1. A tropical vacation with one of the greatest people in my life, tons of sun, free flowing booze, thousands of Spring Breakers, and just being able to leave all the shit behind was exactly what I needed in order to start remembering who I am.


Before I met Voldemorte (Yes, that's the name now - it's appropriate. Because he's evil incarnate, is set on destroying me, and shouldn't even be mentioned anymore in my life) I was a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I embraced a lot of things. My life was full and my interests were many.


I gave up a lot of "me" for the "us" future I planned with him. That's not necessary a completely bad thing, but there comes a point where it gets unhealthy. The problem was that his schedule was so erratic (or more accurately, as I know now, the time he actually deemed worthy of spending with me instead of with the many other people and things that also had his attention was very limited) and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I dropped my activities since they would interfere with our time together. My life basically became working, and then waiting for him to be home so we could enjoy life together. That's not me. It's not who I am.


I love skydiving. I love fast motorcycles. I love softball. I love karaoke. I love shooting guns. I love live music and big crowds. I love taking my truck through the mud. I love adventures and meeting new people and trying things that scare me and finding things that make my heart smile. I love friendships that be wild adventures or sitting in PJs talking until 4 am.


I gave this all up.


And I'm working on getting it all back. On getting me back. On finding my bliss.


Because I can't change the past. I can't change him. I can't change what happened. So you leave that behind you and you move forward. With new adventures, with new people, with new goals.


My outlook for the future has changed completely. Instead of planning a life of following my pilot husband around the country while he builds his dream, I get to keep building mine.


And I've been reminded that I have the most incredible friends in the entire world. Old friends and new ones that have appeared just when I needed them, these people have been here for me every second. They have let me scream and cry and cuss and break shit, and they've helped me clean up the mess. They've invited me out to events to distract me, and for holidays so I wouldn't be alone. They've been there to listen, to offer advice, to remind me of my worth, and to tell me I'm not crazy and my life isn't over. They've helped me see who I was really married to, not just the fantasy I had in my head. And they've helped to rebuild myself. I couldn't even imagine doing this without these amazing people in my life.


I'm blessed to have true friends.


And I almost feel sorry for "he who shall not be named", because he burned so many bridges with his friends with his bullshit and his lies and his actions. He's had to resort to messaging old friends of his former exes to find someone to hang out. That's pretty pathetic. But, it's what happens when you have no integrity and manipulate everyone in your life. I do hope he finds some people in his life that are willing to be true friends, and be there for him, and also be honest with him about how he got where he is today.


But I guess none of that is really my problem anymore is it? I have exactly who and what I need in my life. And that's enough. It's better than enough.


It's my road to an incredible, bright, happy future with the people who truly love and value me and deserve my time and my love.


Find what makes your soul sing, and then pursue it with all your heart!


XOXO

Necessary Endings

So, apparently someone is PISSED that I decided to put the truth out there for all to see.


Yea, if I was a piece of shit human being, I wouldn't like it either. But guess what, sometimes the truth hurts.


Speaking of truth, and hurting, let's talk about what finally got me to my ending point.


Obviously, I wasn't there before. I love my husband, I wanted to work it out, I made excuses for his behavior, I tried literally everything I could possible think of, ranging from normal to insane, to try to make our marriage work. I cried. I begged. I took blame where I shouldn't have. I put up with shit no woman should EVER have to. I WANTED my marriage, no matter how toxic it was to me.


And then, Friday happened. And that was it.


My husband called me at work on Thursday morning, telling me that he was in town and wanted to see me (which was completely random and unexpected - but I was thrilled). I'd had plans for MONTHS to see Florida Georgia Line that night, which is my ALL TIME, most favorite band in the world, and he knew that. So he told me he didn't want me to miss it for him, because I would hold it against him. I repeatedly told him that it was more important to me to see him than to go to the concert, but I couldn't get him to commit to actually see me, even though there were plenty of interspersed "I love you"s in our conversation. He did this all day, which led to me literally laying in my bed sobbing at 6 PM, because all I wanted was him and he was playing his usual game of reel me in with lies and "I love you"s, and then as soon as he has me where he wants me, completely disappear and drop me again. Literally block my texts and calls, and ignore me totally, without explanation. It's sick. It's painful. And I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. Seriously. Fucking shoot me in the chest, but don't fuck with my emotions that way.


So, I decided on Friday it was time to make a line in the sand.


I sent my husband a message, via both e-mail and text, because I never know what he has blocked, that said basically 2 things - 1. I was off work for the day because a water line had broken, and I would love to spend the day with him and talk to him, but that I realized more than likely that request would be ignored. and 2. That if I didn't hear from him, I would be at a certain bar at 6:20 Friday night, and would wait until 6:45. If he showed, we could talk. If he didn't, that was my sign that he didn't love me, didn't want this to work, and was done, and I would accept that and be done as well, because I couldn't keep playing his games. I didn't think I'd hear from him, or that he'd show up.


What I didn't expect is what he did next. Although, looking back, I probably should have. I should have considered the cruelest, most vindictive, terrible thing one person could do to another in this situation, and then prepare for that. But I didn't, because for some unknown and illogical reason, I still had faith that this man would come through for me, despite all evidence to the absolute contrary.


So I hear from him around 10 AM. He says he wants to talk, and will do his best to be there at 6:20, but that he has to drive out to Austin to test fly an airplane, so it would probably be a little later. I told him if he was actually going to show up, that I would work around his schedule. So we decided on 8 PM instead. All day, he sent me messages telling me he loved me, was excited to see me, and giving me intermittent updates on his "trip to Austin". At 7:30 he texted to say he was close to the lakehouse, where his car supposedly was, but that it would be 8:20 before he made it down to our meeting spot. Again, I said that was fine as long as he wasn't standing me up again. His exact response? "I WILL NOT."


About 5 minutes later, I got a text from a friend, who informed that he had seen my husband spending the day at the Airshow in Conroe. Things QUICKLY started to make so much more sense. He was lying to me again. Of course. But why? At this point, my head was SCREAMING at me that I had my answer, but my heart refused to accept it.


So at 8:15, when I was almost to the spot we were meeting, he sent another text saying it was going to be later and he would call me to explain in a few minutes. 20 minutes later, he called. The story he gave me was that "somehow" his dad had run into an airshow guy AND one of my husband's buddies from flight school (who freaking lives in Florida and would have absolutely NO reason to be randomly in Houston, btw) and so last minute they decided to take the limo down to dinner together.


It wasn't even a well put together lie. It was total and complete bullshit. And he knew it. And I knew it. And I called him on it. His response to me? Again, exact words: "I wouldn't have to lie to you, but I can't just drop everything in my life when you decide to come back around."


Let that sink in. When I decide to come back around.


Me. The one who never left. The one who has been begging for this man's time and attention while he's been running all over the country. Me. The one who has dropped literally everything in my life to do anything possible to save my marriage. The one who was willing to pack up and move across the country for him while I couldn't get him to drive across town for me.


But he can't "drop everything" when I decide to come back around.


Again, I know. This should have been my "That's it" moment. But again, my heart is stupid.


So I let him blame me for his lies, again. I let him keep me on the hook, again. And I agreed to wait while they "stopped by a friends house in the limo", and would call me when they were headed that way. His plan, or so he said, was to meet me while everyone else was having dinner across the street.


So, I waited at the spot we agreed on. Again. For over an hour. At this point, he's decided to just ignore my texts again completely. I called my sister, who very wisely told me that I needed to get up, walk away and be done. But I didn't. Instead, I kept waiting. Kept hoping. And kept looking like an idiot.


Finally, at 10 PM, I decided it was time to take action.


I walked across the street to where he said the guys were going to be having dinner. As soon as I walked in, I saw him and his buddy sitting with 2 girls having dinner.


Yep. Really. On a fucking double date with 2 girls while his wife is waiting across the street.


That was it. I fucking lost it.


I walked up to the table, where he had his back to me, and said "Hi, I'm the wife".


It was pretty chaotic after that. His buddy was trying to diffuse the situation, my husband was literally frozen in place not saying a word, and one of the girls was trying to give me some line about "woman to woman, I swear I didn't know". I basically had the entire patio's attention when I told him we could either do this right there or he could follow me to a more private setting. He still didn't move or say a word until his friend (who apparently has slightly more brains than my husband) told him he'd better go.


So we walked about 20 feet away, still with the rapt attention of the entire restaurant I'm sure, and I let him have it. I'm pretty sure, but not positive, that I was screaming at him. But I'm definitely sure he deserved it.


After about a minute of me asking him how the fuck he thought what he was doing to me was ok, he looked at me and finally spoke for the first time. And he said "I'm not doing this with you if you're going to act like this". And he walked off.


I didn't follow him. There was no point. I wanted an answer, and damn it, I got it. In the most shitty, cowardly, disgusting way possible.


I went home, and took a baseball bat to every wedding picture we had. I screamed. I cried. My sister seriously thought I had lost my mind. But I got it out. All of it.


And I'm finally done.


That's what it took. And it sucks.


It sucks that my husband is such a narcissistic coward that he would continue to play these games with my heart, It sucks that I let him blame me for so much for so long, when he is clearly so incredibly fucked up. It sucks I had to literally feel my heart break into thousands of pieces, just like those stupid wedding pictures.


But I'm done.


I'm standing up for me now. My life. My happiness. And the truth.


I've completely blocked him out of my life so that he cannot get ahold of me and continue his games. I'm moving forward with the divorce. And I'm protecting myself.


Because he never did. And never will.


I grieve for the person I thought he was. But that was a lie. The person he really is I want nothing to do with, ever again.


One day, he will love someone the way I loved him. Totally, completely, heart and soul.


And I hope that person does exactly to him what he did to me.


I let him do it, for too long. But not anymore. I have the control now, because I have made the necessary ending. It's done. It's over.


And life has already gotten so much better.


Removing toxic people from your life leaves room for happiness and love and good people. And that's exactly what is happening.


This had to end, because it was time for a new beginning.


Beginnings are incredible. And full of hope.


And so am I.

Oh But My Darling, What If You Fly?

Sometimes you don't get what you want.


Sometimes life falls apart, and there is nothing you can do about it.


Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight, or pray, or work, things just don't go the way you hoped.


This is my life right now.


I wanted my marriage. I WANT my marriage. When I said "I do", I meant every word. I meant that no matter what, I was commited to my husband. Through the good, the bad, the ups, the downs, the ugly, the painful.


I honestly never thought I would get married again after my first marriage. To be fair, neither did anyone else. I was too jaded, and hurt, and guarded to ever go down that road again.


And then, my husband happened. He walked into my life completely unexpectedly and turned it upside down. And for the FIRST time, I seriously considered the idea of marriage again.


I spent a lot of time thinking about why my first marriage didn't work. It was a lot of things, but mostly it boiled down to 2 things - We were too immature and young, and more importantly, neither of us understood the idea of commitment. We were both in it until it wasn't fun anymore, until we didn't "feel in love" anymore, and then we bailed.


So, the only way I was willing to marry again was with the full understanding that marriage is a commitment you don't walk away from. Even on the days you don't feel like it. Even on the days the other person pisses you off to no end. Even on the days you would rather do anything else.


I thought my husband understood that. I thought we were on that same page. And that's why I was willing to marry him.


Obviously, I was very wrong.


I've spent months now fighting for someone who didn't want to be there. I've done everything I know to do to make a marriage work. I've put everything I have into this. I believed in the commitment we made. I still do. Unfortunately though, I'm the only one.


He decided it wasn't fun anymore, and he bailed. He stuck around long enough to get what he wanted from me, and then moved on to other things.


Was I perfect? Absolutely not. Was I willing to do whatever I could to make him happy and be the person he needed? Absolutely.


But you can't fight for a marriage when the other person has already given up. Trust me, I've tried.


Am I ok today? Nope. Not even kind of.


Will I be ok? Yes. Eventually.


I know now that I am capable of loving someone completely. Committing to someone completely. Growing and changing and learning with someone. Being in a partnership. I know that my heart is capable of that kind of love, because I did it. And eventually, I will again.


This will not break me. I gave my best fight, and I lost. But that doesn't mean my life is over.


It will go on. I will be okay.


I got a tattoo not too long ago, and it's more fitting now than ever.


It comes from a poem by Erin Hanson:


There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly? 


Life is about standing on the edge, making choices, and fighting the best fight you can.


And I WILL fly.

The Truth

They say that the truth will set you free. I don't know that this is necessarily accurate, but I do know that I am absolutely sick and tired of being lied about. Especially when I have spent the last 3 years covering for and defending someone who SO.VERY.CLEARLY did not deserve my loyalty or respect.

So here it is: The complete truth. Sorry if this bursts your bubble about the person you think you know, but he is a master manipulator and I'm pretty convinced he's also a compulsive liar. So welcome to reality.

When I met my husband, he was a waiter. He told me he was a pilot of course, but really he only held a license, but didn't actually work as a pilot. He lived in a condo that was owned and paid for by his father. (But of course he told me it was his) Basically, he just had to make enough money every week to live on and support his partying. I fell crazy hard in love with this man. And, despite what he tells me now, I really think at one point he honestly loved me too.

He moved in with me after about a month. He would sleep all day or hang out watching TV while I went to work. He never offered to help with the bills. He worked in the restaurant a couple nights a week. After a couple of months of this, we sat and had a serious talk about where he saw his future. He said he wanted to be a pilot, but that hadn't been able to pass his CFIs in order to teach and build necessary hours to be qualified to fly either commerical or corporate planes. I believed in this man, and wanted him to succeed, so I told him I'd help him study and do whatever I could to support him while he went through this process.

And I did. I helped him make a study plan, and a timeline for completing various milestones. I worked 50-60 hours a week and STILL spent my nights going over flash cards, letting him teach me about airplanes, and whatever else ne needed to pass his written tests and checkrides to become a flight instructor. I was SO proud of him when he got it done.

He started working at the airport as a flight instructor, and spent most of his days up there. I was still completely supporting us, paying all the bills, paying for groceries or dinners when we went out, because flight instructors don't make crap. I got that, but it would really suck sometimes that he had no problem going out to lunch every day with the people he worked or flew with, while I was struggling to make sure all the bills were paid.

When we started talking about marriage, he said he absolutely wanted to marry me as soon as possible but couldn't afford a ring. I loved this man, I believed he truly loved me, and I REALLY REALLY believed that we were going to be a team and support each other. So I dug out one of my rings from my jewelry box, and that became my wedding ring. I paid for the entire wedding, the wedding trip to Maui, and all the expenses for both him and I. By myself.

Less than 3 weeks after we got married, he came home drunk one night after disappearing and not telling me where he was or who he was with, Because I had locked the BEDROOM door (he was able to get in the house just fine, but would've had to sleep in the guest room) he kicked the bedroom door in at 2 in the morning, and was drunkenly screaming at me. I tried to leave the bedroom, and he punched me, closed fist, in the face. The roommate we had at the time heard all of the commotion and called the police. My husband said he wouldn't go to jail and would tell them I hit him, so he slammed his head repeatedly into the door jam, causing a huge gash that was bleeding everywhere. I KNEW that something like this could end his flying career, so the first thing I did was call his father for help.

Even while I was on the phone with his dad trying to tell him what was happening, Mike was screaming at me. I went outside to get away, and he followed me out, punched the window in my truck, and when I told him he wasn't going to destroy my property, began hitting me again. The roommate literally had to pull him off of me. The cops showed up, took one look at me, and immediately took my husband to jail. He kept trying to tell them that I had hit him, but fortunately the roommate had seen him throw his head into the doorjam, and the 911 call the roommate had also picked up most of what was happening, so they knew he was lying.

I REFUSED to give the cops a statement other than to say I did not touch him, since he was trying to say that I did. I also refused to allow them to take pictures of my injuries. I called my attorney and made sure I did everything I could to protect my husband, despite the fact that he had just drunkenly attacked me and then tried to have my thrown in jail with his lies.

Why? Because I love him. Because I'm stupid. Because I had never EVER seen any indication of him being capable of anything like this and thought there had to be a logical explanation. Because I couldn't bring myself to believe that I had just made a huge mistake marrying someone who would put his hands on me.

Anyway, when he got out of jail 2 days later (his father bailed him out, but I went with him to pick my husband up) he was horrified and apologetic and swore he loved me and it would never happen again. But even then, his biggest concern was what we needed to do to make sure he didn't have his life ruined. My best friend's husband is an incredible criminal defense attorney, so I called him and asked him to please take the case and make sure my husband didn't end up with a domestic violence on his record. My friend agreed, warning me that if he took this case, he wouldn't be able to represent me in a divorce if that ever happened. I didn't care, because I wanted my husband protected by the best, and I never for a second believed that we could get divorced.

When the DA and the "victim's assistance" people called to try to get me to testify against my husband, I refused. They were downright mean at one point, telling me how stupid I was to defend the man who had done this to me and that he would just do it again and it would be my fault for allowing it. But I didn't cooperate with them, and told them they didn't understand because this situationw as different and my husband was NOT that person. I believed that. I did refuse however, to actually go to court with him or to help him pay the court fees, etc. associated with this. I told him he was on his own for that.

Long story short, he ended up getting a first time offenders deal because I wouldn't testify, and had to do a year of probation. As long as he was successful in that, he wouldn't have a record. However his monthly probation meetings and court ordered "victims assitance" payments added up quick, so what little money he did make flying went to that, again leaving me to pay all of the bills on my own.

My husband said he would stop drinking as a result of all of this, and that lasted about a month. (He wasn't supposed to drink while on probation at all - but that was quickly ignored) It started with a drink at dinner, then a beer after work, then before I knew it he was back to drinking as much or more as he had before. I told him multiple times that the amount that he drank concerned me, because I couldn't trust him when he was drunk. That just started fights every time about how I was trying to control him, or take away his fun, or how it was my fault that he was on probation to begin with.

Please don't misunderstand me... I love this man. We had a LOT of incredible, amazing times. Most of the time, he treated me with love and respect, and was everything I wanted. But that isn't what this is about. This isn't about all the good. It isn't about how much I adore him. It isn't about how committed to this man I am. That's all true. But this is about setting people straight on the lies that have been told about me. It's about getting my side of this story out. It's about how we got from there to here. And lot of it was because of alcohol. It became a huge problem.

He got so drunk one night we found him passed out in the drivers seat of his car after looking for him for 2 hours. Had a cop happened to see him, he wouldn've been in jail, no questions asked.

Another time, he got so drunk and mixed it with pills to the point where I found him unconscious on the floor, having lost all control of bodily functions and barely breathing. I had to call 911 and have him taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was terrified. I didn't even know until we were at the hospital that it was alcohol and pills, not a medical problem, that was the issue.

There are plenty of other examples, a lot of which his friends and family were witness to. The drinking was a problem. I thought so, other people thought so, our freaking marriage counselor thought so. But my husband didn't, so he kept right on drinking. I never knew exactly what I was going to get when alcohol was involved. Sometimes, things were fine. Sometimes, he would be irritable and moody. Sometimes, he would be downright awful. Verbally abusive, mean, and crossing physical boundaries. I learned the more he drank, the less I should. But even that didn't help when he was on a roll. If I tried to reason with him, it was pointless. If I tried to walk away, he would follow. If I tried to stand up for myself and tell him he wasn't going to treat me like that, he would freak out saying that I was calling the cops on him to have him arrested and he would get in his car and drive away drunk and I wouldn't hear from him until he sobered up and decided he wasn't mad at me anymore. (Hours, days, it's been up to a week of no contact. I never knew. It's part of the insanity.)

We went to Amsterdam for Easter, just the two of us. We ended up meeting up with a couple of girls stationed in Germany, and spent the evening exploring Amsterdam and drinking at a local pub. Everything seemed fine until it was time to go. On the walk back, Mike got pissed off because we somehow lost the other girls in the crowded street. He sat down and refused to move. I told him to give me my credit card and subway pass and I'd meet him back at the hotel when he was done pouting. He threw he wallet at me, and when I took it and started walking to the station, he attacked me. He punched me so hard that I lost consciousness. When I came to, he was standing over me screaming. I got up and ran to a taxi down the street, begging him to lock the doors. Mike tried to punch the window out of the cab to get to me, and the driver drove off with me inside. I didn't even have any money to pay for the ride to the hotel, but the driver was sympathetic and, after encouraging me to go to the police (which I refused - again) he took me back to the hotel.

I made up a story to the hotel clerk about being robbed, got a new room key from him, and locked myself in the room, and a short time later my husband showed up, demanding to be let in. I told him I wasn't going to let him back into the hotel until he was sober, and he started screaming about how I was stealing his passport and holding it hostage and other nonsense. The hotel clerk made him leave by threatening to call the police. I found out later that he called his dad, went to the airport, and somehow managed to get on a plane and back to the states by telling everyone that I had stolen his passport.

Then, whlie I was stranded in Amsterdam trying to figure out what to do, he and his father rented a U-haul and proceeded to go to the house and move out, taking both his stuff and mine. No apology. No concern for me. Nothing. He hit me. He left me in Amsterdam. And he took everything and put in his dad's hanger.

I should've been done then. I know I should've. He was still on probation at the time, so I should have gone to his probation officer, showed her the pictures, told her the truth, and finally let my husband suffer the consequences of his actions. But I didn't. I covered for him again. I defended him again. And I worked it out with him again. Because I loved him.

He said the problem was that the house we lived in was "mine" not ours, since I lived there before him. So, to make him happy, we bought a new house that was "ours". He got off probation in August. In September he decided he was taking a job with an airline that would put him in St Louis. No discussion. No "how do you feel about this for our family?" Nothing. I mean, I knew that a pilot was the goal. For God sake, I'd been literally supporting him to get him there. But when you have a spouse, you have to talk about major decisions like, oh, I don't know, taking a job across the country. But he didn't. It was, once again, all about what he wanted.

I was hurt and pissed that he thought it was okay to make a choice like that without his wife. But he wasn't going to change it, and after many arguements about it, including one where he literally said to me "I love flying more than you", I knew I wasn't going to win and if I wanted it to work I had to get on board.

I'd been telling him for months we needed a vacation to reconnect. He would tell me okay and then turn around and say he couldn't make plans, because he didn't know what was happening with the airline start date and that came first, always. Finally, I told him I was going to Europe for a week (I had to go for work anyway, so I took an extra week for vacation) and that I wanted him to make it a priority to come. He said he would. He didn't. He told me the NIGHT BEFORE we were supposed to leave that he wasn't coming. And yes, I got pissed. I was so hurt that once again, I wasn't a priority. That once again, it was all about him. That once again, I didn't matter. I told him I wasn't doing this and to leave.

He went to the lake house, and I went to Europe. I BEGGED him for the first 4 days to come meet me there, because it was all I wanted. It had been all I wanted the whole time. He kept telling me he would get on a plane the next day, he never did. When I got back from Europe, he was headed to St Louis for school the next week. He refused to see me and talk, saying that I had kicked him out and it was done and on and on. I begged. Again. I apologized. Again. He never did. But he "came back" in that he would stay the night at the house when he was in town from St. Louis - about 1-2 nights a week.

I tried to be as supportive as possible, but seeing your husband a total of 8 days in 2 months is REALLY hard, especially when you had no say in the decision. He kept promising it would get better as soon as he was done, and kept telling me it would only be a few more weeks. But it was always something, it was always longer, he was always frustrated and stressed, and I was always alone. It all sucked.

So I just kept holding my breath and waiting for him to get through the commercial pilot training school so that we could FINALLY be where we wanted to be. He would have a stable job and be able to help with the bills that I'd been paying. He would have his dream job, and maybe the dedication to that would be enough to curb the drinking and make him more willing to settle down, grow up, and be a family. I was even getting excited about a move to Raleigh, where he would be based, because it meant getting away from the negative influences here, starting a new life there, and building something together as a team. I was willing to leave my friends, my job, and everything I have here to follow him to Raleigh so that he could have his dream. And I was doing it happily because I LOVE him and WANTED to be with my husband, more than anything in this world.

Well, guess what? He finished school a week ago. And he left me. In the same week.

He failed a checkride, came home for a couple days, got insanely drunk, lost his shit when I confronted him about it, packed his shit and left. I didn't hear from him for a week, not one word. I finally met him at the airport to confront him, to talk to him, and to try to work it out. I had a lot of time to think, and the ONE thing I needed from him was for him to stop leaving. And I told him that. I told him I would follow him to the ends of the earth, that I would (and HAD) do anything for him. I just needed to know we were in it together. We were a team. That he was as committed as I was. And that we were going to make it work. I told him the leaving'moving out things had to stop, immediately and permantely. He said he loved me, said he would find a way to stop leaving, and then said he had to go fly a trip.

Which turned out to be a lie. Apparently it was all a lie. Because he called me yesterday, and told that he didn't love me. He told me that his goal had been to become a commerical pilot, and now that he had that, that's all he wanted and nothing else mattered. He told me he didn't care, he wasn't coming home, and he didn't want to be married.

So guess what? I got used.

I spent 3 years literally taking care of a man, supporting him, and helping him follow his dream only to be dropped the second he got what he wanted. But even better? He's upset that I'm no longer keeping his dirty little secrets. I'm done lying for him. I'm done defending him. I'm done pretending the things that he is doing are ok. They are not. And it pisses him off to no end that I refuse to play his game anymore. Apparently, he has lost some friends because of the way he has acted. But he blames me. He has never once taken responsibility for his actions. Everything is someone else's fault. Hitting me, drinking too much, leaving. All of those things he can justify by placing the blame elsewhere.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Have I been wrong? Yes. And I've apologized and tried to do better. I've taken a hard look at things that he tells me were problems, and tried to fix them. He told me that because I'm a perfectionist, nothing he does is ever good enough. So I tried to be more encouraging and less critical. He told me that I'm controlling. I can be. I tried to let some of that go for him, and let him figure more stuff out for himself. Those are his complaints about me. Basically that I was pushing him too hard, and controlling too much. Maybe it's wrong, but it was because I saw his potential. I saw the incredible man I thought he could be. I saw what he was capable of, and wanted him to want it to. And I was, and am, willing to change to make us better. Willing to fight for us. I believe in the commitment I made when I married him.

I wanted his time and attention. To be considered. To be included in decisions that would affect both of our lives.

This, my friends, according to him, is why being married to me is unbearable, and why he just used me to get what he wanted and then left. Because I wanted a partnership instead of a child. A man I could depend on. And to be with the man that I love. Safely. Completely. Happily.
What I'm asking for is pretty terrible, right?

I love this man with all of my heart. I did then. I do now. And the stupid thing is, I would probably still be defending him and lying for him and letting him use me, if he hadn't given me any choice. I want him to succeed. I want him to get help. I want him to be the man I know that he can be. But I can't make his choices for him.

But now, the truth is out there. Do with it as you will. Check it out for youself, a lot of it is public record. Choose to believe it or not. That doesn't make it any less true.

I love him. I will probably always love him. But I won't be treated like this by him anymore. And I sure as hell won't let him lie to everyone about what really happened to get us to this point.